At Least Spring Has Begun Now…

Like clockwork every guy who’s ever had a crush on me comes out of the woodwork every winter. It’s usually around December or February when everyone’s depressed and sick of the snow. I’m usually rather lonely myself during this time, but not desperate enough to agree to a date with any of them. A parade of every guy I’ve ever turned down appears, lined-up to ask me out every year. I’m not even kidding, literally SIX contacted me out of the blue after a year+ of silence in a two-week period. I could even name each one. I was definitely surprised by one of them. He’d deleted me from FaceBook over a year ago when I declined his invitation to dinner. All of a sudden all these men are all, “let’s catch up,” “we should hang out,” and so on. Not once do they consider that they’d be a part of my life by now if I had any interest. Maybe I don’t let them down firmly enough. But maybe they should also catch on that it’s impossible “I’m busy” every single day they suggest a date. Maybe they should realize one makes time for those they want to see. One of them tricked me. He offered to help me out with something I’d posted about on FaceBook. I should’ve known. It’s never without expecting something in return when they’ve had a thing for me in the past. At first I accepted his help. “Really, for free, you’d just help me like that?” The moment I say “Sure,” the “So, how about we catch up this weekend? We could grab a drink or dinner…” happens and I freeze. I had been pretty sure he had a girlfriend, or I wouldn’t have accepted this offer. I’d have seen through it. I look up his FaceBook. I scroll down. “Relationship Status: Single” appears in my line of vision. “SHIT!” I exclaim, in the office. No one seems to notice. They must have broken up. All of a sudden I’ve gotta let him know, “I’m busy…every weekend…and every moment I’m not in my office as well.”

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Dickless Pics

You can’t tell a guy you’ve never received a “dick pic” without that smirk appearing on his face. I went out for a drink with my coworkers the other night which turned into drinks, shots, and would-be-extremely-office-inappropriate-conversation. It wasn’t even a Friday night but it wound up being the latest we’d stayed out with each other since any of us had started at the company. This is one of those “let’s grab a happy hour drink after work” gatherings that take place a minute after 5pm, before you’ve had any time for dinner. We’re getting better and realizing we should order a pizza to our usual bar, but that thought hadn’t occurred to us yet the other night. I’m starting to like that we have a usual bar and a usual group. It’s a crappy bar. The drinks aren’t all that cheap, the glasses aren’t cleaned well, and the bathroom’s basically on the other side of the planet, but it’s growing on me. We’ve got a usual group, a usual bar, and even a usual waitress and usual booth –Isn’t that what every sitcom lover has always hoped to have?

But this night we all got a little too personal. The morning after was one at the office where not one of us could make eye contact with the other. Maybe it was the brutally honest round of “who would you do at the office?” that pushed it too far. The first drink arrived and I had my nose in my phone, fingers rapidly tapping against the screen. I threw it in my bag with a smile and announced “Sorry, it’s morning on the other side of the world.” The girls chimed in, “Well, you were talking to someone you’re into because you’re smiling.” I couldn’t deny it, but what does one make of a crush on someone you’ll likely only meet twice, briefly, in your lifetime. “Yeah but this-” I pretended to type textmessages on my phone- “is really the extent of our ‘relationship’ –I don’t even know how to react when he sends these sexy kind of pictures when he’s in bed with his shirt off and whatever. I’m over here all ‘hey uhh here I am bundled up in my winter coat.’” They giggled, “Well, you just gotta send one of those pics back!” I glance at the one guy at the table before the others arrived. He was squirming around in his seat. “We’re making him uncomfortable with our girl talk!” He laughed and took a long sip of his beer. I passed around a picture of my crush. Yeah, that’s right, I wanted them to know who *I* was capable of attracting. I actually appreciated that one girl sounded a bit surprised when she exclaimed, “wow, he’s pretty hot!” I flashed the phone at my male coworker, explaining that I didn’t want him to feel left out. He shrugged, “yep, a guy.” “Well, I was out when he sent me one picture in bed,” I continued my story, “but he asked me to send him a picture while I was at the office. So I did. I actually went in the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see me taking a picture of myself at my desk.” They giggled and asked if I’d taken nudes in the bathroom. I hadn’t.

The rest of the group showed up. We explained how uncomfortable we seemed to have been making our coworker when there wasn’t much testosterone around the table and they wanted to be filled in. My coworker started, “Well, if a guy sends a girl a sexy picture, how should she respond?” “Send one back!” both guys replied simultaneously. “And if they’re at work?” she continued. “Go in the bathroom” they agreed. “That’s what she did!” my coworker announced, pointing to me. Their surprised expressions were priceless as they stood up, jaw dropped open, demanding I hi-five them. I insisted I hadn’t been nude in the office bathroom, but of course they weren’t about to drop that idea. The conversation inevitably moved to the topic of dick pics, and how I never received one. “Dick pics” remained the recurring topic of the night. It circled back when a couple of the guys decided to text another coworker asking to send dick pics –from my cellphone. Luckily, I caught it before too much time passed and was able to explain the joke.

The buzz from my third glass of wine on an empty stomach was strong. Cellphone in hand, I couldn’t resist the urge to drunk-dial. I messaged my far-away-crush while the room seemed to be spinning and the chatter of dick pics hadn’t ceased. The next day he responded with a laugh. Only then had I remembered I’d messaged him before passing out in my bed. I scrolled up to reread my jumbled rant about how I’d never received a dick pic and I didn’t want one, but I did want one of him in his underwear. I thought, “aw what an innocent version of that request.” But, I’d followed it by some sort of, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” A few days passed and one morning I awoke to a new picture message. It was my far-away-crush in his underwear. Request honored! Shortly after this message I remembered my part of the deal…But, I was running late to work so I sent an “IOU” message and let it be. I’d never sent this sort of picture before with the paranoia of where it might end up, and because it had never been too difficult to arrange an in-person-meeting posed this way. If there ever was a time photos like these were appropriate, this was definitely the type of “relationship” that called for them. My mind raced- “I don’t actually have to follow through, but I kind of want to because I’ve never done that. If I’m just in my underwear it’s really not that different from a picture in my bathing suit at the beach. But it is different if I’m not at the beach. I can’t have my face or anything in my bedroom in the picture so no one will ever be able to tie it back to me. I should probably shave. What kind of underwear should I wear? What was I wearing that night I was with him? It can’t be the same or he’ll think that’s all I wear. It shouldn’t look too posed, it should look realistic, but it should look good.”

All those questions considered, I took the picture –or rather I chose the picture that came out the best- and clicked “send.” It was only minutes if not seconds, but such a simple and small action had felt like such a rush for me. I nervously awaited his reply, phone in hand. I’m now convinced guys always see your message right away, but they don’t always respond right away –unless your message is a picture of you with clothing removed. So, after this week, our messages have evolved to include occasional nearly-nude picture messages, and for the first time I’ve joined the rest of the world in becoming extremely paranoid about whose hands my cellphone falls into.

Stating The Obvious

So, here’s another weekend bitterly single and replying to messages of those I’m not interested in on dating sites…
clearly

Persistence

There’s an option to increase your message storage on OkCupid and not have to worry about deleting old messages to send new ones. This is what it looks like when you don’t have the increased message storage and you send a message to someone who does (-And you’re extremely persistent, pay no real attention to those who you message, have no originality in your messages, are sending a message to someone who has a 0% match to you, and the person you’ve messaged isn’t planning on answering you…) Side Note: Check out the month the Christmas wishes were sent.
Option

Dating Website Conversation #17

The weird things guys say in their attempt to get a girls attention continue. Here’s a conversation from a couple of days ago…

Random Guy: Hey,
If you & I were together they would call us Beauty & the Beast …and when someone calls you beast I’ll beat the hell out of them!
I was just looking at your profile and I liked what I saw so I want to get to know you better. You have beautiful eyes & a gorgeous smile!
Write back to me & let me know what makes you smile.
Talk to you later
[NAME CENSORED]

Myself: um…Thanks. As my profile indicates I’m looking for someone female at this time, though. Sorry.
Random Guy: well I can wear high heels and tuck it back if you are interested lol
Good lick I mean luck with that
Myself: Good luck with your search on here.

(Waiting For Dates To Write About)

Besides having two dates for this weekend (provided they don’t cancel or stand me up) I’m feeling like things are going slow again and I’ve had less to write about. Here, have a look at some recent conversations from my dating site inbox…

Random Guy: How do they come up with this enemy percentage? I mean, does 45 percent of you hate BIG belly laughs until your cheeks are WET from happy tears?
Myself: What?. ……..
And, it’s based on the answers you give to the questions on here. I have found the match % is usually pretty accurate as the people with lower match %’s end up being those you’d have the least interest in.
[He had an extremely low match % to me]

Random Girl: interested in watching?
Myself: What?
Random Girl: me and my girl having sex…
Myself: No thanks, looking more to just date someone
Random Girl: gotcha

Dating Website Conversation #14

It can get tiring sending out messages and never receiving replies. Everyone with a dating website profile eventually gives in to some copy & paste messages. After you spend time personalizing long, well thought out messages, coming up with unique words for each you send, just to be ignored time and time again, you start writing generalized messages which can be sent to anyone again and again. Just remember to avoid looking like a fool when you send the same message to someone twice or say you’ve read someone’s profile when you haven’t. I personally like to keep my copy & paste messages sounding unique and always add at least one or two personalized lines when I give in…

Random Guy: hey how are you? my names [NAME CENSORED].
I read your profile & it seems we have a lot in common. So i figure to tell you a little bit about me…
I am an assistant teacher & i work with kids/teens who have autism. currently im studying to be a child psychologist but in the mean time to pay bills I help teach kids who have autism.
Hopefully Ill hear back from you & we can chat.
take care
Random Guy:
hey how are you? my names [NAME CENSORED].
I read your profile & it seems we have a lot in common. So i figure to tell you a little bit about me…
I am an assistant teacher & i work with kids/teens who have autism. currently im studying to be a child psychologist but in the mean time to pay bills I help teach kids who have autism.
Hopefully Ill hear back from you & we can chat.
take care
Myself: You should be more careful about copy & pasting this message to people without reading their profile. You sent me the same message a little over an hour before this one. -And if you did read my profile, you’d have noticed I said I was interested in dating girls at this time, not guys. Good luck on your search.
[No surprised, he didn’t reply again.]