Thoughts On The Train

Sitting on the train today, a song came on my headphones that caused an ex to flash through my mind. It was years ago, and just a six-month/long-distance thing. Closure isn’t easy with such distance after things end, but the feelings have since gone, and he’s married now. Though, that song still causes him to flash through my mind. I remembered sending it to him back then and our conversation about how we could both relate to it. It wasn’t even a romantic song. To us, it was about not really knowing what you’re looking for. When we met we were in that same place. You’re not sure if you’re looking for a relationship, but seem to enjoy spending time with a certain person. He’d just gotten out of the only relationship he’d been in for a good portion of his life. I was over my last long-term relationship, but not yet convinced I’d be able develop feelings for someone new. Then there was him. Although, that wound up being somewhat short-lived, I did learn I was no longer numb and again capable of those feelings.

Today that song caused me to think about the feeling of having fallen for someone. The good along with the bad and the stress/over-analyzing. Then I focused on the good. I was thinking about when you’re in love, whatever that means to you, and suddenly all the music you hear makes sense. Every love song has a line describing exactly what you feel. I thought about what it feels like the first time your skin brushes against someone you’re interested in. It’s usually accidental, or it could just be that you’ve started leaning in that much closer as you talk. Sometimes it’s because they’ve made the first move and reached out to your hand, knee, or arm as they spoke. There’s that split second you become extremely aware of their touch, and suddenly you understand the reference of there being a “spark” between the two of you. It is almost like the shock of static electricity as a register of the touch jolts through your mind. I ran my tongue across my lips and brought forward my memories of kissing someone I cared about. I remembered the bubbling feeling of being so anxious and excited about someone new…

I haven’t felt any of those things in a very long time and as much as I’ve been enjoying single-life and despising dating, I started thinking I might miss those feelings. I might still feel numb after my last relationship, but I’m not yet convinced it’s permanent this time. The process of dating just may be a necessary evil that’s eventually conquered.

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