9/4/16:
I’ve said “I like him” to myself a few times after arriving home and I’ve been smiling a lot. I’m nervous about how I’ll mess it up or what I’ll uncover about him, but right now we just met and I felt something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s nice and I want to savor it before it fades or crashes and burns. It’s the middle of the night and I should be asleep to wake up early in the morning, but I’m smiling and listing everything I enjoyed about my day with him…

So, it started just like most of my dates when I meet someone from a dating website or app. I wasn’t particularly excited because I’m usually disappointed upon meeting everyone, but I put together the usual casual-first-impression-of-me outfit, opted for sneakers over sandals as we were planning on going for a walk, and I was off. I stood where we were to meet watching people walk by. Some I hoped were him, some I hoped weren’t him, and then he appeared and my thoughts raced, “That’s him?! He’s here for ME?! Oh no, I don’t look good enough for him. Does he find me attractive? Wow, he’s really, really cute. He’s actually pretty hot. And he’s here to meet me!” It was like all those times I’d look around and imagine myself with someone else’s significant other, always wondering why I was never with the more attractive date, and now I was. We started walking and I kept smiling to myself thinking, “All these people can see him and they see that he’s with me!” It sounds kind of shallow, but it’s the first thing you notice about someone. We started walking and sharing stories. He’d turn to look at me while he was talking even though it made it a little awkward to walk. His eyes were green with a sort of orange hue around the center, the kind of eyes people write about how you can get lost in. I’m horrible at making eye contact, but found myself looking into his eyes much more than usual.

We walked to a park and talked about our jobs, our backgrounds, all the usual things we always talk about on a first date, but it wasn’t as boring as it usually is. We stopped for some ices at his request. I happened to order and told him to combine his order with mine, he awkwardly put his money away as it seemed he had intended to pay, but it wasn’t even on my mind. Sure, they were only a couple of dollars, but I was enjoying my time with him and which of us paid just felt irrelevant. We were joking about this or that, I don’t even remember why some things were so funny but I laughed and I remember he was laughing too. The cashier and the woman behind me called me three times to tell me that I hadn’t picked up the water I’d just requested, but I’d already forgotten about it. He leaned against a railing while we ate the ices and he looked like some really cool guy I’d wish I knew, and now I did! I almost never remember what any of my dates wore when we first met, but he was in a short sleeve, loose/summery white button down shirt, khaki shorts, and Teva sandals. I have no idea as to why I was so attracted to this outfit, but it was probably just the fact that he was the one wearing it and it seemed to fit him in more ways than the size on the tags. We stopped at a piece of art in the park and he read the deep description about the somewhat silly piece. Neither of us got it and we joked about that, too.

He asked if I wanted to get a drink and I said I should probably eat something. We scoped out a few places and settled on one bar/restaurant. We were seated outside and got a few appetizers and a few drinks. The appetizers weren’t great, by the way, but I didn’t blame him or care much at all. He leaned back in his chair and told me about his dream business he was pursuing. I listened, but at one point I started to zone out. “What was his flaw? What would be the reason we don’t work out? What wouldn’t he like about me? What would I dislike about him?” I scanned his face and watched his lips when he spoke. I wanted to kiss him, but it wasn’t my opportunity to. Too soon and everything could be ruined for no good reason. I might send the wrong message. Why did everything have to come with a message? I looked over all the physical features of his face, and then my eyes fell to his chest, waiting for some physical flaw to stand out, while trying to remind myself not to do that. My eyes drifted to his biceps. He was my type, that’s all I could tell, and then I thought it would be so tough getting over him at some point. I popped back into the conversation, he still hadn’t said anything about himself or commented on anything about me that had rubbed me the wrong way. He went inside to ask for the check. I texted my best friend. I had to tell someone that I was with his amazing guy. He returned and everything was paid for. He earned his points anyway, but for once I didn’t care and I’d already been prepared to split the bill.

We walked some more and stopped in a record store. He flipped through the records and we talked about music. We walked some more and appeared at a train station. He told me he was going to go home but that I could come with him. It was almost 9pm. I debated it for a bit. I was supposed to wake up early in the morning, but he did live closer than most people I’ve been dating and I didn’t want to call it a night yet. We waited on the train platform and he asked me a question, so I gave my opinion –on a topic somewhat too private/sensitive for this blog. After that he must have remembered a relevant insecurity I’d mentioned I had earlier over drinks, looked me in the eye and told me that it wasn’t so. I brushed it off like his comment hadn’t meant a lot, but I was sort of melting. I don’t remember the train ride or how long it took. I don’t remember what we were talking about. Time didn’t have the same feel to it anymore. His neighborhood wasn’t the greatest and I was a little nervous walking through it, but if that’s the only drawback I find, I wouldn’t mind it. He asked if I was hungry and picked up some potatoes and few other vegetables. He cooked for me. We sat on his couch and ate. I finished the last of his ice in my glass of water and filled his ice cube tray. He was impressed by this gesture I hadn’t thought twice about. “Things are going well,” I thought. We threw around the idea of watching a movie but we just kept talking and never got around it. I told him how attractive I found him. He was really modest about it and not at all like those cocky guys who know they’re hot. He kissed me and we kissed for a while and cuddled for a while and it got later and later. I talked about how I had to leave and he agreed for about an hour. I asked if he’d come back to my place to spend the night there and he was willing to, but I didn’t want to push things. I’m always rushing into everything. I finally took a cab home, on my own, close to 2am. Close to 12 hours with him. I woke up and I couldn’t wait to see him again. I miss him already. I haven’t felt like this in years…