One question on a dating website asks, “What’s your opinion of the phrase ‘making love’ when it refers to sex? a) It’s beautiful, b) It’s hokey and over sentimental, c) It refers to a very specific kind of sex, d) It’s no better or worse than any other.” On that topic…

Of course on some level whatever vocabulary is used, the act itself basically remains the same, however there is something different about sleeping with someone you’re in a relationship with verses with someone you’re in a “no strings attached” situation with. If you’re not in love, this act is by no means an expression of love you share. While you can “act” or play some things out when you care for someone, there is no way to on demand produce feelings for another you haven’t felt any for. When you deeply care for someone the act itself becomes something with numerous emotions attached. A certain stress of their thoughts and feelings linger above you and your own. Catching a partner’s eye or smile in the middle is an entirely different wordless-conversation than with someone you’re with purely for the action…

If it starts in a dimly lit bedroom, in silence with a lingering look, slowly leaning in for a kiss, with bodies beginning to reach closer, followed by gentle brushes of hair and soft caresses on skin, silent requests with unspoken cues, following clothing gradually vanishing, eyes meeting at moments for an intimate exchange beyond touch and spoken word, and with movements in unison, beginning with acts which only sound poetic and distant from instinctive and primal ritual, it only seems erroneous to identify this as equivalent to what you might experience in other circumstances…

The above can be enjoyable, but compared to alternative situations, cannot possibly be lumped into the same category as shuffling through a crowd, and suddenly stumbling together into a graffiti-covered bathroom, being pushed up and against a wall, and quickly moving to remove articles of each other’s clothing, with hasty requests being spat out, eyes catching just a glimpse of the each other’s bodies, while grabbing hold of hair, with hands rapidly making their way across skin, and kissing like time is about to run out…

When you’re not in bed with someone you care for more than any other friend, a different tone is set. The focus may briefly shift, but the emphasis remains in a more selfish realm. Your concern isn’t necessarily for the other person’s satisfaction, and rather it’s directed towards your own. To be fair, of course one can’t expect to coast along without any effort given. It’s definitely a mutual exchange of satisfying acts, but without true concern for the other at a deeper level, it winds up with each individual seeking their own pleasure, above the satisfaction of the other. While it isn’t a meaningless act, it’s only meaningful to each individual, rather than being an exclusively shared experience. This isn’t to say one may not also find satisfaction themselves when giving pleasure to another. With that in mind, it does of course remain a united experience. Without an emotional bond, you’re free to shift the spotlight to your own needs. In a rush of a loss of inhibition, it can be liberating to let your self-interest exceed the expectation of another. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember everything in moderation is best. You will be walking on thin ice if you become too selfish and expect something from another without any type of reciprocation for their contribution. No one should ever “use” someone else, unless both parties are equally “using” each other. (Also see my post “Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship” if you ever find yourself in this type of situation.)

(Oh how sexist.)