Update: I still exist, my love-life not so much.

It’s been what, months since I last wrote here? Well guess what, it’s been months since there was any action going on in my love life as well. I’ll give you a little recap of what I can, anyway. There was the guy who I met about 5 years ago at a concert and hadn’t seen since. He was one of those friends where the situation is “Hey let’s totally be FaceBook friends and then not speak to each other ever again, but occasionally glance at pictures from each other’s lives for the next six years.” Well, we chat every now and then as of the last few months, and occasionally share somewhat explicit stories. A few days ago he told me that he’d be in town and we could hang out. He now normally lives a passport and approximately 222 miles from me (thanks, Google.) He said Wednesday night he’d be available and I should let him know if I’m up for it. I’m not sure of the details but I’m pretty sure he was looking to hook up with me and I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend. Tuesday night he deleted his FaceBook, or possibly deleted me. Late, Wednesday night he reactivated his page and messaged me “Hey I guess we missed each other this time around.” I replied “Yeah, I saw you deleted your FaceBook or blocked me or whatever.” No answer. I suppose he got cold feet or caught about his plans? For the record, no I wasn’t going to hook up with him and no I especially wasn’t going to hook up with him if he had a girlfriend.

Okay, maybe not all of that last sentence was true. A guy who I once wrote about here, (Quick Recap: we met at a party, he came back to my place, we talked for hours, I fell asleep, when I woke up he was gone, nothing happened between us, he messaged me saying he was interested in me, he wound up seeing someone a week later, some months later he asked me how I felt about some sort of strictly sexual situation, I declined as I already had one going on with someone and explained that I wasn’t interested in that kind of relationship) left me two messages on FaceBook the other day. His message after at 1am said “Thank you for the birthday well wishes. It’s been a while but we’re def still in line for a make out at least.” It was followed by a 6:30am message “My apologies, such a random inappropriate message… blame the booze.” I was thrilled to know guys at my age still drunk dial/text/message so I don’t have to feel so guilty about doing it once in a while. Honestly, I’ve gotten much better, though. I’ve always had ex’s numbers in my phone and no matter how blackout drunk I may get, I’ve always still known they were off limits. (I keep them in my phone so I know who to ignore in case they ever contact me.) But, the shocking part of this is my own realization of how desperate I’m starting to get because my reply wasn’t anything like “Yes, that was uncalled for and isn’t going to happen” -It was actually: “Lol it’s alright. Honestly, I’ve had NOTHING going on with anyone for a while now so it doesn’t even sound like such a bad suggestion.” And so, I recently sent out a few messages on the dating site and we’ll see how that turns out I suppose…

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There’s Sex & There’s Sex

One question on a dating website asks, “What’s your opinion of the phrase ‘making love’ when it refers to sex? a) It’s beautiful, b) It’s hokey and over sentimental, c) It refers to a very specific kind of sex, d) It’s no better or worse than any other.” On that topic…

Of course on some level whatever vocabulary is used, the act itself basically remains the same, however there is something different about sleeping with someone you’re in a relationship with verses with someone you’re in a “no strings attached” situation with. If you’re not in love, this act is by no means an expression of love you share. While you can “act” or play some things out when you care for someone, there is no way to on demand produce feelings for another you haven’t felt any for. When you deeply care for someone the act itself becomes something with numerous emotions attached. A certain stress of their thoughts and feelings linger above you and your own. Catching a partner’s eye or smile in the middle is an entirely different wordless-conversation than with someone you’re with purely for the action…

If it starts in a dimly lit bedroom, in silence with a lingering look, slowly leaning in for a kiss, with bodies beginning to reach closer, followed by gentle brushes of hair and soft caresses on skin, silent requests with unspoken cues, following clothing gradually vanishing, eyes meeting at moments for an intimate exchange beyond touch and spoken word, and with movements in unison, beginning with acts which only sound poetic and distant from instinctive and primal ritual, it only seems erroneous to identify this as equivalent to what you might experience in other circumstances…

The above can be enjoyable, but compared to alternative situations, cannot possibly be lumped into the same category as shuffling through a crowd, and suddenly stumbling together into a graffiti-covered bathroom, being pushed up and against a wall, and quickly moving to remove articles of each other’s clothing, with hasty requests being spat out, eyes catching just a glimpse of the each other’s bodies, while grabbing hold of hair, with hands rapidly making their way across skin, and kissing like time is about to run out…

When you’re not in bed with someone you care for more than any other friend, a different tone is set. The focus may briefly shift, but the emphasis remains in a more selfish realm. Your concern isn’t necessarily for the other person’s satisfaction, and rather it’s directed towards your own. To be fair, of course one can’t expect to coast along without any effort given. It’s definitely a mutual exchange of satisfying acts, but without true concern for the other at a deeper level, it winds up with each individual seeking their own pleasure, above the satisfaction of the other. While it isn’t a meaningless act, it’s only meaningful to each individual, rather than being an exclusively shared experience. This isn’t to say one may not also find satisfaction themselves when giving pleasure to another. With that in mind, it does of course remain a united experience. Without an emotional bond, you’re free to shift the spotlight to your own needs. In a rush of a loss of inhibition, it can be liberating to let your self-interest exceed the expectation of another. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember everything in moderation is best. You will be walking on thin ice if you become too selfish and expect something from another without any type of reciprocation for their contribution. No one should ever “use” someone else, unless both parties are equally “using” each other. (Also see my post “Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship” if you ever find yourself in this type of situation.)

(Oh how sexist.)

(Oh how sexist.)

Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship

As I wrote “If you’re dating someone wrong for you but the sex is great, stop dating and keep the sex” on my post “Keep It Simple” I thought I’d make a suggested list on keeping a relationship strictly sexual. (Provided someone one day ends up in this position, with this opportunity.) The idea is to make sure neither person winds up attached or feeling as if they’re tied down, so that both can still freely seek and pursue other relationships. I changed this from “Rules” to “Guidelines” because nearly all of these “rules” can be bent or broken (at least once in a while) depending on the specific situation and those involved. Those involved should be able to find a balance between them that works.

-Wear condoms.
(Safety first: Always avoid disease and unwanted pregnancy.)
-Avoid hanging out outside of the bedroom, in the same way you’d hang out with your other friends.
(You probably get along well, but you’re going to feel like you’re dating if there are too many non-sexual meet-ups.)
-Keep it to about once a week, though random late night calls are acceptable -but can be declined.
(If you see each other too often, you risk becoming attached. Too few times and each meeting may feel somewhat awkward.)
-Don’t spend the night.
(Just avoid getting too close and excessively doing anything you’d do in a relationship with another.)
-Get dressed and say goodnight when it’s over.
(If good conversation, cuddling with someone, and kissing goodnight is going to make you fall for them, don’t do it.)
-Limit conversations in-between meeting.
(It’s nice to check-in to be friendly once in a while, but you shouldn’t be talking every day.)
-Get what you want out of it.
(Don’t let the other person be the only one getting something out of the situation.)
-Talk about it and go over the guidelines.
(Make sure you’re both on the same page about the situation and have a mutual agreement. Communication is important for all relationships –even those that are sexual.)
-If you don’t want to be single, continue to search for new potential dates.
(Make sure you stay as active in your search for a relationship as you would outside of seeing this person. Don’t become reliant on your meet-ups.)
-Don’t start a strictly sexual relationship with someone you have romantic feelings for.
(It’s not worth the stress and getting crushed later on. If you start to develop feelings for the person, it’s time to end it.)
-Make the most of it.
(It’s a temporary situation for as long as it lasts, so enjoy it for what it is and don’t let what it isn’t get you down.)
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