Just pay attention to the dates in these messages and reconsider not deleting messages in your inbox for this reason…
I’m always honest. I’m always so openly volunteering information about my life that it doesn’t come naturally for me to do anything else. But I wasn’t this time. While I was away on business my date from the previous week –the short one- checked in with me via text message. I hadn’t yet met Clark Kent and I’d been thinking even if this guy wasn’t “the one,” I’d at least be up for a second date with him to see how that went. I was going to text to him, “I was thinking about it and I decided we can hang out again when I get back,” but I read it to myself first and deleted it. What, was I that amazing I was going to allow him to spend more of his time with me? Well, maybe I am but I don’t have that big of an ego. So, I said, “I was thinking about it and I’d like to see you again when I get back.” He said we could arrange something then. I went about my week, Clark Kent came and went, and the short guy crossed my mind again. I was less excited now. Sure, there was no future with Clark Kent, but he was a nice height and not all that hard to get a date with. Clark Kent texted me at work today, just a “happy Monday” kind of text -even though there’s never anything happy to be about on a Monday. I was too busy to respond. A couple of hours later my short date checked in asking how my trip had been. I was too busy to respond to him either. Heading home from work I caught up on my text messages. First I replied to Clark Kent and then I went back to the short date. He asked how my trip had been. Immediately I thought, “Good, I hooked up with some guy” but that didn’t feel like the best response I could give to someone I was considering a second date with. I told him it went well. He asked if I’d seen anything interesting. “Yeah, some guy I met…The movie I saw with a guy I dated for the week…” but I didn’t say that either. I told him about the dinner my boss treated us to. He asked when I’d be free to tell him more. In person. I’d mention it in person if it came up. He’d probably dated someone else while I was away, and there was nothing wrong with what I’d done after just going on one date with him, but he probably didn’t want to hear about it. If he asks. If it comes up. If he’s prying to know more about my week. Then I’d say something. Until then, I’ll just have to learn how to be like most people and keep my other dates out of the conversations with my current dates. Oh but how uncomfortable hiding any thing at all feels…
I’m not entirely against a short list attributes or types of relationships one is not interested in posted on their dating profile. I mean if there is some feature in a person or relationship you’re 100% turned off by without exception and you think it’ll help weed out the messages your receiving by stating that out in the open, that isn’t generally a given (“I don’t like to date people who are mean to me”) -then sure put it out there. However, drawing attention to a very specific incident that went awry, doesn’t look good for you and isn’t going to prevent that situation from repeating. The odds of that exact situation repeating are pretty slim to begin with, so there’s no reason to devote a section of your profile to it. This particular paragraph sent so many red flags through my mind. First of all, it makes this person look revengeful, “I’ll get back at them by describing what they did on my profile, publicly calling out this one person on it.” That leads me to believe they’re not that cool and this weird sort of passive aggressive behavior is probably not a quality I’m going to enjoy if I date them. I would not be surprised if they were a sociopath or a psychopath. Hey, maybe they’re not, but that’s the message they’re sending me. Second, if someone did make up an excuse to leave in the middle of their date, maybe they shouldn’t want to broadcast that. Maybe they deserved it, though I agree it’s not a nice thing to do. The fact that they’ve posted this on their profile leaves me thinking they most likely were that bad of a date that someone decided to escape. -But you couldn’t let it go, huh? You actually updated your profile to target that person. Finally, what if there really was a legitimate crisis this person had to tend to? Now who looks like a jerk not at all sympathizing? *shudders* And to think I’d been in a conversation with this person a year ago, though we never met! (Yes, the image above is an actual screenshot from someone’s dating website profile.)
I mentioned a guy I’d been speaking to from a dating site to my best friend. “Oh, so you’re over that thing with women?” she asked. No, it wasn’t a “phase” and I’m not “over” it. The reason I haven’t been mentioning many women lately is just because I’m having shitty luck with meeting any I’m interested in, or I seem to be as shitty of a prospective girlfriend to women as I seem to be to men lately…*sigh* If I saw an attractive girl that I could identify as being gay/bisexual or whatever else in-between, sure I’d pursue it, but my gaydar sucks. Even more limiting I find I’m usually only interested in feminine-looking women and being feminine-looking myself, I doubt most could pick me out either. *shrugs* And rejection sucks. There are a million reasons one could be rejected, mistaking someone’s sexual identity/orientation doesn’t need to be another one for me. So that mostly leaves me with gay bars and dating sites. When I go to a gay bar to meet someone it feels like I’m specifically choosing to meet women, which feels weird, when I’m clearly still interested in men as well. Every experience I’ve had at these bars was so aggressive. The women demand to know my sexual history with women within thirty seconds of introducing themselves to me and I’m not a great liar or half-truther. I get it, they don’t want someone who’s going to flake out on them and everyone judges a virgin (not that I’m such a virgin with men by any means.) But it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t wind up leaving with any of them, or their phone numbers. So then there are dating sites and I don’t get any messages from women, ‘nor any replies from the few messages I send out. Once in a while I’ll get a message from someone I’m very much not interested in and well that’s that. So in short, women just don’t like me, I guess, or at least I haven’t yet met an available one I like who does, while men I have some interest in do continue to show interest in me.
I still notice attractive women. I always have. I don’t say much about it because I don’t say much about it when I notice an attractive man either. I had a mini crush on a girl I met a couple of weeks ago, but I’m pretty sure she’s straight and I don’t know her that well. So, once again I didn’t mention it to anyone. She was just pretty cool and pretty fun to talk to and pretty…There, does that satisfy you, those who want to believe it was just a phase? There wasn’t anything more than that to make of it, so I didn’t. I spent over twenty years of my life not realizing I had an option to date women and ignoring the occasional crush. It’s too bad I didn’t collect a bunch of experiences in my youth to justify my admittance to being open to it now. Maybe then people wouldn’t see my mentioning of it as such a novelty. There was somewhat of an exciting aspect to it at first, just like any new discovery, but it wasn’t just a novelty thing. A friend said they could find someone to hook-up with me, but I didn’t want a one night stand, ’nor to be some couple’s fantasy in a threesome. Of course I have an interest in something I’d never experienced before, but it’s not a one-and-done deal. It was just another option in dating. It’s only to other people that it’s such a big deal. It never was to me. I never “came out.” I never felt the need to discuss it with others. I certainly never felt the need to create a new label for myself. Labeling myself as “straight” for all these years is what convinced me I had to adhere to the label and that there wasn’t any room to be anything but that. I don’t do those labels anymore. I’m lucky to have as many non-judgmental family members and friends as I do, as I know many don’t, and this might be a bigger deal in their circles of acquaintances. For me, it isn’t, so I’m thankful for the ability to so easily be label-free now.
OkCupid has come out with so many labels and the ability to select up to five genders (woman, man, agender, androgynous, bigender, cis man, cis woman, genderfluid, genderqueer, gender nonconforming, hijra, intersex, non-binary, other, pangender, transfeminine, transgender, transmasculine, transsexual, trans man, trans woman, two spirit) and up to five orientations (straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, hetroflexible, homoflexible, lesbian, pansexual, queer, questioning, sapiosexual.) Now, it’s great for anyone who identifies with being any of those things because they can choose exactly what fits them, but when I look at that, I can’t possibly be the only one who just feels more confused about which label best fits them. I’ve yet to come across a profile that has selected five of each, but at a certain point isn’t it okay to just not label yourself at all? Where is the “none” option? For me, that long list of labels just feels so much more restricting. I guess some people like to feel included in a certain group, belong some place, and some people like to have a word that describes them perfectly. That’s okay. But, I personally do not wish to be boxed into any labels any more. I feel free to love and fuck whoever I please and others can label me as they see fit straight, bi, gay, hypocrite, questioning, queer, poser, lesbian, hetroflexible, or whatever else they feel fits. But I’m not calling myself anything but me these days. No, I’m not “above” it. I’m not “above” anyone who loves being labeled and who has worked hard to feel comfortable in their label or for equal rights for their label. I’m not better than or belittling anyone who has gone through any types of hardships to gain respect for their label. I applaud it and am fully for it. I just want to be respected just the same in my label-less-ness, is all. I’m not even feeling that this label-free thing is such an original idea, either. I know some people won’t understand this or agree with it, but who would anyone be if all they did was try to appease everyone else? And I don’t believe I’ve offended anyone, as I certainly didn’t mean to, but I know it can be a very touchy subject. I know, I see your posts on FaceBook everyone, you know who you are, not that you know who I am, but I’m 100% sorry in advance and will delete this entire section if you find it offensive some how. I’m not on this blog to start internet fights. There’s enough bullshit on the internet as it is and I don’t need to contribute to any of that viral “omg” nonsense. <3
So, I haven’t written about dating women very much on here recently. I might more often. I might once in a while. I might not. Hopefully no one is surprised either way. I’ve put more focus on the apps and websites I use for dating men because I’ve spent so much of my life dating them. It’s sort of like the low-hanging fruit of dating for me. It’s familiar and easier, though not necessarily better. It’s where I seem to have more luck. So until some cute female notices me, I see this male-trend continuing in my dating patterns for now. I don’t plan on this coming up again, but figured I should clarify for those wondering since this is my dating blog and all…
On Sunday he told me I was a good writer. I’m not, or at least what he’s read that I’ve written isn’t that great, but it prompted me to reply. So, I asked him what brought him to a dating site. He spoke pretty realistically and on Monday I decided it was time to start exchanging textmessages, which was earlier than usual. He was also a bit taller and a bit younger than I usually prefer, but it didn’t seem sensible to turn down a date because “aw, you missed the cut off by a few inches and years.” (Inches as in height for those of you who read something else.) At one point he made a comment about meeting my cat. “Oh, you’re coming over?” I asked. I told him we’d have to meet elsewhere first so I could make sure that he wasn’t a weirdo, or rather that he was “good-weird” and not “bad-weird.” On Tuesday we settled on a bar at 6:30 that Saturday. On Wednesday we were still chatting, and then he stopped replying. The last thing I’d mentioned could be a deal breaker for some. I didn’t know what to make of it. Eight hours later I tried a “How was your Wednesday?” sort of test. No answer. Thursday came and went without a text. Friday was almost over. I didn’t know what to make of it. He was texting me constantly and now he’d disappeared. Plenty of people have gone ghost on me in the past, so I started to assume this is what was happening. Of course, I wasn’t used to his texting habits, so it was hard to judge and then this conversation happened after a long pause following my first message:
So, we went on the date. (After some excuse about him not responding due to a big project at work.) Honestly, I was more excited about putting myself together for a night out, than I was about meeting him. I wore my usual go-to wintertime first date outfit: My favorite perfect-fitting pair of jeans, a plain black cowl-neck blouse, and boots. I wore the boots that give me an extra couple of inches, with his height in mind. I tried to arrive on time, but still wound up 10 minutes early. I’m always early. He was two minutes late. I didn’t judge. He was kind of cute. I nervously removed my glasses when I saw him wearing his. “I don’t usually wear my glasses, they’re just for distance, and I can see better this way now.” That’s the first thing I said to him. “Okay? Should we sit?” was his reply. “It smells like licorice in here!” This was the next thing I said to him. “It does, but I like licorice, so that’s okay. Do you?” We both like licorice. He seemed really nervous and his hand was slightly shaking as he picked at the corner of the menu on the bar. “So, have you always lived here?” I asked. “No, I actually attended college at…” He unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a t-shirt with the college’s name. I raised my eyebrows, “uh, right, I see…” The bartender probably enjoyed the show. We wound up being two awkwardly quirky people dating as if neither of us had been on a date before. I guess it had been a while for me. He ordered a beer and I had a glass of their happy-hour wine. As cheap as it was, I didn’t mind that he didn’t offer to pay. We talked about religion, our families, where we grew up, trips we’d taken, and my dark humor shone through it all, but he didn’t seem to mind.
We took a walk in search for food. He stumbled over a bicycle resting near the curb. “Are you okay?” I asked. He said nothing. “Did you just trip over a bicycle?” I asked. “Yep,” he replied. “There’s a place over here…” he said while looking at his cellphone. He announced the name and continued to describe it. An image flashed through my mind of the…“intimate” moment I’d shared with someone in the bathroom. “Don’t tell him about the last time you were there,” I made a mental note. “Er…I’ve uhh…I’ve been there.” I said. “How was it?!” he asked. “Don’t tell him what you remember about that place. Don’t tell him about the bathroom encounter,” I repeated in my head. “Uh, it was okay. I saw someone’s band play there once.” He responded with an enthusiastic “Cool!” and I changed the subject. We got some wraps at a falafel place. They were pretty messy. He didn’t offer to pay, but they also weren’t that expensive. Normally this would have sent up a red flag for me, despite claiming I want everything to be equal, but my job had given me a bonus the day before, so in this moment it felt kind of rewarding to be this financially comfortable, and I wasn’t really seeking anyone to treat me to anything. Not that he knew that. “I saw that on your profile it said you prefer to date someone older than you, why is that?” I asked. “I don’t know if they can teach me something exactly, but I feel like they’re more experienced. I don’t really like women my age. Most of them aren’t looking for the same things as me and they’re kind of immature.” His leg was bouncing up and down on the bar stool. “Do you have to pee, are you nervous, or do you just do that sometimes?” I asked. He said it was just sort of a nervous tic and he was a bit nervous. I admitted to doing it occasionally as well. He asked if I wanted to head to another bar. It was still early, so I decided to let the night continue. He scrolled through bar options on his cellphone. “You know, you’re just going to find a bunch of bars, we’re never going to settle on one, and then we’re just going to walk around and find one anyway, so-” He put his phone in his pocket and said “I was just thinking that.” I pointed out that he had something stuck in his teeth and helped verbally guide him to where it was. Then we were off.
We eventually wound up going to a bar in the area at my suggestion when I realized we were close. I hadn’t been there in years. It looked different than I remembered, but it also could have been that I was sober at that point. Walking there, I asked “do you smoke?” “I have a pipe, you wanna see it? I took a picture of it!” He replied while pulling out his cellphone. I glanced down at the glass octopus tentacle-shaped pipe. “Wow, it’s octopussy,” I replied, then quickly frowned thinking, “Did I just say ‘pussy’?” This time he offered to buy me a belated birthday drink, but I declined again. We had two more drinks each. We talked about drug trips, previous relationships, the concept of marriage, being losers in school, the recent surge in crime and how he knew someone who could get me pepper spray. When I returned from a trip to the bathroom I asked him how many people he’d slept with. “That’s what you were thinking about in the bathroom?!” he responded, confused. “No, I was just wondering,” I clarified. His number was significantly less than mine. He uncomfortably stated, “I don’t really want to know your number, but I feel obligated to ask.” I gave him a range. “So, you know the exact number just like that?” I pointed out. “Yeah…” he replied hesitantly. “It is a kind of a low number,” I admitted. Suddenly he became a bit defensive about how he chooses not to just sleep with anyone. “I didn’t mean it like that! I think it’s by choice. I was just pointing out that it is less than what I usually hear from a guy,” I explained. He nodded. When it was close to midnight he said he was going to get going. “Okay. I was going to invite you to my place, but I don’t mean to hook up or anything,” I said. “Yes,” he replied, rather quickly. “Are you sure? You realize I live really far from your place, right? It’s cool if you stay over, but I’m not inviting you for anything sexual,” I warned him. “You’ve made that very clear, you’re not attracted to me, I get it. That’s okay,” he said, defeated. I shouted back in his ear over the music and chatter of the bar, “No, I mean I don’t mind you staying over because it’s late and you live far. I think you’re cute and all, but I don’t want to hook up or anything because I only just met you and I wasn’t lying earlier when I mentioned I had my period.” Because you know, this is all first date talk, right? Though I have a history of bringing dates home just for sleeping.
So, we boarded the train to my place. I ducked under two men kissing in front of an open seat, “Excuse me.” He awkwardly held a pole over the seats opposite me. I shrugged, “There was a seat.” Eventually the seat next to me became available and he joined me. We arrived at my apartment and it was quiet. It suddenly felt a bit claustrophobic to me, like there was too much attention drawn to each other, away from the distracting hustle and bustle of the bars and trains. I attempted to offer him pajama pants, but we were very different sizes. He tried to climb into my bed with his jeans until I’d repeated a third time that I really didn’t mind if he took them off to sleep. Suddenly he was nervous again. “I just want to warn you I will wake up with really bad bed head,” he turned to me. “That’s fine,” I replied confused. Did he not think my hair got messy when I slept? This was the first man I’d met who had shown worry over sleeping on his hair. He asked if he could wash his hair in the morning to fix it. I told him whatever he needed was fine, and added that I had an extra toothbrush. Suddenly I started laughing, “Not that the toothbrush is for your hair. I just meant that you could also have a toothbrush.” He joked along, “Some toothpaste as hair gel.” I started cracking up, “I just pictured you coming to tell me you’d just used up ALL of my toothpaste tomorrow morning, and I’m just liked ‘that’s…okay…’ and I just replaced the tube, too!” He laughed at the picture I’d painted.
We continued to talk and laugh and almost watched a movie but I quickly turned it off when the characters sounded exactly like a conversation I’d had with him earlier. “But, it’s us! I want to hear our story and find out what happens, let’s keep watching it!” he protested. “It’s creepy, no!” My vote won. Around 3am we got to sleep. That morning I heard him running the water in the bathtub. He came out asking me for a towel for his hair. “I just don’t want to spend the whole day looking like Ace Ventura,” he explained, pointing to his hair. I smiled, “It does look EXACTLY like his hair.” He went home shortly after that. -After he offered to cook me something (he cooks!), and give me a massage (he took Swedish Massage classes!) “Are you a hugger?” he asked. “No, not really,” I answered, and then hugged him goodbye anyway. He was all smiley like he liked me. He told me he felt a lot closer to me. I brushed it off. He was sweet, but the entire night he’d repeated the sentence, “Isn’t it nice we also have _____ in common?” Like he was pushing too hard for us to be some perfect match. I had to push back that I wasn’t looking for someone identical to me. It’s differences that compliment one another that make a good match. I don’t want to say he was “too nice.” I don’t want to say it because I know how stupid it sounds, but I felt it. I wanted him to have a tougher side to him that I just didn’t see. When I admitted a certain fantasy/fetish-thing I had, he was too freaked out by it. Okay, it’s not that common, but it’s also not that uncommon and I’ve met plenty of people who brush it off like it’s nothing, which I’d prefer. He even brought it up in a textmessage to me that afternoon, after leaving my place. It was about how he didn’t think we’d be a good match just because of what I like to picture during sexual scenarios. I have a feeling he’s one of those “let’s just make love” kind of people. That’s all nice and everything, and sometimes that’s great, but there are times when one hopes for something a little more uninhibited and so I found myself shooting some pretty sexually explicit messages to my far-away-crush shortly after my date ended. The weird part was that it felt like cheating. I’d only just met this date, my crush is thousands of miles away, and yet I couldn’t help but feel like what I was doing was wrong…Of course, it hasn’t stopped me.
So, here’s another weekend bitterly single and replying to messages of those I’m not interested in on dating sites…
When you see this^ pop up on your OkCupid account it’s like when you’re grandma impatiently taunts you, “well?” during a conversation of your relatives husbands/children. It’s like that sinking feeling you get when yet another engagement/wedding/birth announcement pops up on your FaceBook newsfeed. You know, the ones you quickly scroll by, maybe “accidentally” not clicking “like” as you move onto the next post. It’s not true, though. Of the 2,776 questions that you can currently answer on OkCupid, I skipped a bunch and I’ve *only* answered about half of them over the years. My birthday is getting closer. This is the first year it hit me that this means I’m getting closer to turning 30. This birthday also means I’ve been single for nearly 4 years now. I sat in a bar with some coworkers in their 30’s the other night. Some are married, some in relationships, and some single. I asked them to reassure me that being in your 30’s isn’t so bad compared to your 20’s. That there are things to look forward to in your 30’s. I got a lot of “uhh.” One guy told me “Well, in your 20’s you go into everything more. You love harder, you fight harder, you-” but he got off when a coworker in their early to mid-twenties laughed, “I like that you said ‘you love harder’ first” and the conversation moved on.
It feels like the older I get the less options there are. The less people in my age-range not already spoken for. The less time to decide if I want to have children. The less time to do things I have the energy to do with someone else. The less time to enjoy being in a relationship with someone else and decide if we should get married or have children. The less time to look youthfully attractive. And well, just less time in general for anything, if I were to live into old age. There is plenty I enjoy about being single, especially being an introvert and needing time on my own to recharge and all. There are a lot of things I’d miss. There are moments of heartbreak I can remember that at that time I’d tell you weren’t worth feeling for having loved. But after a while all of that fades and maybe it’s just due to human nature and chemicals and impulses in ones brain that bring back the craving of ditching single life, but I’m back to being dissatisfied with my love life, and I’ve grown extra picky from my experiences.
My update on single life? I went to some museums and zoos on my own because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to do those kinds of things. I did my makeup thinking, “Maybe I’ll bump into someone on the train and some Hollywood-type love story will ensue.” It didn’t. Upon arriving at my destination I promptly realized everyone else is either with their significant other or their children and every turn I just kept hearing this whisper, “You’re single, huh?” …I’m also going through a jar of pickles a week. (Lack Of Dates = Lack Of Reasons To Avoid Bad Breath.) …I’ve given my number to two guys from various dating sites/apps recently. I knew very little about one of them, so without high expectations of potential, the lack of motivation caused me to sort of flake out on him. The other guy started up one of those really out-there and silly kind of conversations with me, so I played along without having anything better to do. He tells a lot of dry jokes. I thought I could put up with it until he uploaded a new photo and this conversation followed a few days later while I was out with some coworkers for happy hour…
Myself: “What’s today?!”
Myself: “I was sort of supposed to go on a date at 6pm.”
Coworker: “What?! You’re standing him up?!”
Myself: “No, no. We didn’t set a place, so it doesn’t count. I wouldn’t stand someone up.”
Coworker: “He’s probably waiting somewhere with flowers!”
Myself: “Waiting where?! We didn’t have a place. He would have checked in by now if the plans were still on, and I didn’t check in because I kind of lost interest.”
Coworker: “Then why were you going to meet him in the first place?”
Myself: “Well, I agreed to before he put up a new picture and I saw he had a gap between his teeth and-“
Coworker: “You’re so shallow!”
Myself: “No, I know. It is shallow. But I can’t help it, I just wasn’t really attracted to him anymore. I mean on some people that’s fine, but in the picture it just wasn’t on him and-“
Coworker: “So shallow.”
Myself: “It is but he also told bad jokes which didn’t help and if I’m not attracted to him, I’m not and how’s that supposed to work?!”
Coworker: “So why were you going to meet him?”
Myself: “I don’t know, to see what he’s like, maybe I’d be swayed another way. I don’t know him in person so I figured I’d give it a shot.”
…But I didn’t, and I guess he didn’t really mind either.
There’s an option to increase your message storage on OkCupid and not have to worry about deleting old messages to send new ones. This is what it looks like when you don’t have the increased message storage and you send a message to someone who does (-And you’re extremely persistent, pay no real attention to those who you message, have no originality in your messages, are sending a message to someone who has a 0% match to you, and the person you’ve messaged isn’t planning on answering you…) Side Note: Check out the month the Christmas wishes were sent.
Continuing my recent trend of only having conversations that go no where on a dating site, here’s another…
The lack of romance in my life seems to be making me rather bitter these days. Most of the conversations I have on dating sites lately are similar to this one, if I even dare to answer…
…I wrote this a few months ago and had been meaning to edit it before I posted it, but so much time has passed that, well here it is as is:
I don’t post as much as I used to because I haven’t been actively dating as much as I used to, but every now and then I like to check in and give an update…The last date I went on, a couple of weeks ago…Well, let’s start from the beginning. So, the usual cycle began. I logged into my *whichever-app/site-it-was-this-time,* scrolled through my suggested matches, and felt I’d reconfirmed any doubts I’d had about eventually dying alone. Then of course an attractive face caught my eye, and I slowed down the rolling queue of single people. Moments later he’d sent an initial message, and the conversation began. Cute, interesting, not particularly with my exact sense of humor, but he was nice, so this would be alright. We chatted for a couple of days –actually there was about a week long break in-between our messages at one point- although, that’s not so important. He didn’t have a great excuse, but had reappeared to continue to message me, and then we switched to textmessages. We actually only made the number swap because of a dumb –but true- excuse I gave, about having an issue with a program at work when he knew how to resolve it. Program fixed, and we moved onto the normal and abnormal conversations people tend to text. This went on for few more days. Eventually we even had set plans to meet, and then one night it turned into something like this (realistic paraphrasing of the actual conversation while being as honest as possible)…
Him: “That sounds like a fun vacation! You didn’t wind up finding Mr. Right on that trip?”
Me: “Actually, I did wind up dating someone long-distance for 6 months after that trip. Now that’s the second time I’ve mentioned someone I dated, to be fair tell me one of your relationship stories!”
Him: “That’s alright!”
Me: “No, c’mon. How about, why did your last relationship fail?”
Him: “It didn’t.”
Me: “What? What do you mean, you’re still in it? I mean, why did it end, what was the reason?”
Him: “No I mean, I haven’t been in a relationship before.”
Me: “You haven’t had a girlfriend before?”
My Thoughts: *Oh no, what’s wrong with him?!* (As much as I’d like to pretend my thoughts don’t sound so cruel)
My Thoughts: *Alright, I gotta know how far he’s been…* (Not that it matters!…?)
Me: “How old were you when you had your first kiss?”
Him: “16” (It might have just been around there, younger or older)
Me: “How old were you when you first had sex?”
Him: “Is there a wrong answer to that?”
My Thoughts: *Uh-oh*
Him: “I haven’t yet.”
My Thoughts: …I’d like to say it doesn’t matter. I think I’ve been saying that for so long, but honestly, at that moment, well I wasn’t thrilled with the answer. I was turned off because I couldn’t help but think there must be some horrible reason, and I’d never encountered something like this at this age. And with such little experience how much time would it take someone to develop that sort of skill set? I was extremely judgey, but figured it would be okay if I didn’t say it…
Him: “You know, one time a girl stopped talking to me right after I told her I was a virgin. Just ended the conversation right there.”
My Thoughts: *Yeah, about that…*
So, we kept talking. I asked a lot of questions. I was honest, but not too honest because sometimes we all have inappropriate thoughts and the difference between being mean and just human is keeping them to yourself. He was adamant about telling me what he had experienced. It was interesting he’d done certain things, yet just by circumstance had never led to the rest of things. He then revealed a pretty uncommon fetish he had…So uncommon, I felt compelled to Google it to see if it was a “real thing” and understand how something like that was even worked into a sexual scenario. Sure enough, it exists and works for some people. After some debating, I decided not to specify what the fetish is on here. He was so uncomfortable with it, I’ve decided even though he’s anonymous, I feel like doing him the honor of skipping most of the details on the topic. But, for those who are still curious, I will say it’s over a typically somewhat mundane part of the body.
The first time we made plans to meet he cancelled with a lame excuse. The excuse itself wasn’t even that lame, but it made me feel like someone who was called “lame” in jr high school would use the excuse. I figured cancelling on an initial meeting just a few hours before was usually a deal-breaker. Either because it meant the person had never really intended on meeting you, or because the person being stood up wouldn’t be willing to give them another chance. But, some days later, we met!…And he was normal! Well, “normal” as in whatever weird way we all are in our uniquely diverse individuality. He’d simply fallen into one set of circumstances after another where he didn’t wind up in a relationship or losing his virginity until he’d suddenly just been the age he is now, and it’s not quite easy to jump into things after that at this age, especially based on the way even I’d reacted to his situation.
The date itself was fine. Days earlier we’d already discussed my opinion on who should pay on a date, so that was sort of easier and more awkward all at the same time. (I say that I don’t mind splitting it, while unable to help silently judging the other person if they don’t cover me –on a first date.) But, as I hadn’t eaten and didn’t want to drink without food, I meant it when I said he didn’t have to pay and I’d pay for my half myself without judging him. We did split it and somehow in the end I think he still wound up paying a larger amount. Overall, I just got this “friends only” kind of vibe from him. It’s hard to describe better than that, but when I let him know this he said he got that a lot. Maybe it was a combination of corny jokes and too much innocence on his part, but I couldn’t picture myself ever being in any type of romantic relationship with him. We continued to text each other after that night, and I’d say we became friends, but am not sure of us ever getting much closer –even just as friends. So there, that’s my story of the time I dated a mid-20’s-year-old-virgin with an uncommon fetish.
Actually, he used to be a scientist. I don’t know how I feel about him yet. Green Eyes and Blue-ish Eyes are out of the picture. I haven’t heard from either since I last wrote about them. The Scientist and I have been texting and exchanging messages for about 1-2 weeks. He’s been texting me “Good morning” every day for a week, and I’m starting to feel like it’s more of an OCD-routine than a friendly check-in. I enjoy talking to him, though. He’s pretty open and seems okay with my openness and talkativeness, but I’m not sure we’re the right fit. We finally met in person for the first time on our first date last night. We split some appetizers and had a couple of drinks. We talked a lot. A lot of it was probably the same first-date talk everyone seems to continuously repeat in the endless dating cycle. “So you grew up there? Oh, so what did your parents do? Yeah? So, what do you do now? You mentioned you had a brother?” Sometimes it all gets so repetitive it’s as if everyone I’ve met has meshed together into one long repeat of the same date. It’s my same stories, their same questions, and I’m finding it difficult to try to stay interested in what either of us has to say. When he put his credit card down on the check I asked if I should chip in. He said I could if I wanted to. We split it. I know that I’m sort of judging him for that. I keep trying to advocate for equality in dating where a guy shouldn’t have to treat a girl, but I find that I’m still very judgmental on a first date. I also happen to know he does pretty well financially, and I haven’t been doing as well, so it sort of further pushed the slight grudge I held against him that night. Of course he didn’t even glance at the check, whereas I wearily picked up the corner before gulping and putting my credit card down.
He seems nice, trustworthy, smart…But for some reason I just didn’t feel that attracted to him. Physically he’s alright. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that made me feel like we just weren’t quite on the same page. It was still early on, wasn’t a good enough reason to rule out seeing him again, and I don’t have anyone else lined up at the moment, so when he asked me on a second date, I said yes. He explained that he prefers to discuss seeing someone again or not as soon as the date’s over. I felt that could be awkward if you’re rejecting someone you just met in person immediately after spending a couple of hours with them. Fortunately I didn’t get the boot and instead he said that he enjoyed that night and asked if I’d like to do it again. We’re going to dinner and a show this weekend. It’s not like I’m seeing anyone else…It’s kind of nice to know there’s a reason to dress up and someone to meet at the end of the week. Of course, it would be nice to be more excited about who I’m going to see, so I’m not going to stop pursuing other options just yet.
I feel like I haven’t reached a third date in quite a while. Green Eyes and I have continued to text each other since our 19-hour second date. Every now and then I’ll give it a “playing hard to get” spacer day, and sometimes I think he does the same. Of course, neither of us are ignoring one another if the other initiates a text first. We don’t agree on everything, and he doesn’t share my exact sense of humor, but at the same time we seem to enjoy chatting with each other. It happened to be Valentines Day when I did make the mistake of letting him know this blog exists. I don’t usually mention it to many people –let alone someone I’ve written about- but I dropped in a quick mention of it’s existence when discussing how often I write. I’d hoped the conversation would continue glazing over that tidbit, but immediately he began to question if I’d written about him. One thing lead to another in the conversation, and he was feeling uncomfortable with the idea. I tried to explain that it wouldn’t be like I was out with him to document his every move, and suddenly I felt that the “IF” in his “if we meet up again” sounded a lot louder. I’m hoping he’ll let himself forget about it, as it hasn’t come up again. But then that night the conversation shifted towards another uncomfortable place when we discussed whether or not one would want to know the reason they’d been rejected. I’d had his “meh” kiss in mind during this, but it’s really more of an in-person discussion if it’s going to be had at all…
…But then the conversation got better…
…Then went a little downhill again…
…And then made another comeback!
I didn’t wind up seeing him that weekend and by the time this weekend rolled around I realized I was missing him and asked if he was free. “Probably tonight and maybe Sunday” meant he had a date Saturday. Since the second date I’ve been encouraging him to keep dating other women because I wanted to keep dating other people as well. I went with Friday night and suggested a bar. We grabbed a couch and had a couple of drinks. He got my first drink and I got my second. I recently watched this video and found the “I know a date’s going well when…” segment popped into my mind a couple of times: When we discussed how cold it was and I touched his hand, “Feel how cold my fingers are!” -And by the end of the night I noticed how close we were sitting together, legs against one another and his hand on my jeans.
We had a decent buzz, but it wasn’t like the overdrinking on the other date. It was fun. We told each other the jokes we’d say if either of us ever decided we had the guts to do stand-up comedy and talked about our oddest sexual encounters with others. At one point he wanted to show me something in his phone, looking down at the screen he kept saying to himself, “Missed call? Who called me? Why do I have a missed call? Who would call me now?!” I couldn’t help myself, “Probably the date you’re going on tomorrow night,” I teased. He said it wasn’t her. Yeah, I was right he had a date. That’s when it hit me, I was starting to get a little jealous and I don’t feel that way unless I like someone.
We walked to the train and hesitated about which train to get on –do we take our separate trains or were we sharing someone’s? “Uh, you’re not inviting me back to your place tonight are you?” he asked. “Well, like I was telling you before I have to wake up at 8am and…” He cut me off nodding and agreeing he already had known that wasn’t the deal that night, and said he’d just kiss me instead. We kissed and the “meh” kiss I was expecting disappeared. I pulled him back and kissed him again, and then once more. He kind of laughed. Then I headed to my train. We could still see each other across the platform. I put my glasses on so he wouldn’t be such a blur. I had this stupid smile and kind of twisted the toe of one of my boots around on the ground. I didn’t realize it was this embarrassed-flirty sort of movement I was doing until I noticed a woman smiling at me doing this as I watched the guy across the platform. His train arrived first and as he headed over to it I watched him, “He waved! He waved! Yes! He waved! Oh no he’s getting on the train now, quick wave back, did he see you wave back?!” I think I kinda sorta like him a bit.
It seems my declaration for not being able to date multiple people at once has gone out the window. There was another text from my hook-up buddy I’m not exactly ignoring, and a second date request from…Well, let’s call him Blue-ish Eyes from this post. Green Eyes and I are also still talking. The other night he mentioned having gone on a date with a woman he wasn’t sure if he would see again. Even though I’d encouraged him to continue dating other women because we’re nowhere near anything exclusive, it suddenly felt competitive and it was no accident I revealed my upcoming date with Blue-ish Eyes to him. Part of me thinks he caught on to the game. Shortly after he said he was thinking about asking to see if I was around that weekend but apparently he’d have to “wait in line.” On top of it all, you’ll never believe that as of last night, Clingy Guy is back in the picture after all these years, obsessively clicking on my dating site profile every half hour again! Of course, I no longer have patience for his creepiness and do plan on blocking him after the first message I receive.
Last night was my second date with Blue-ish Eyes, but I wound up working late. I rushed home to change my clothes and ran to the train. My go-to second-date-outfit was still in the laundry since it wasn’t that long ago I’d seen Green Eyes, and I’d quickly grabbed something else. I still wound up keeping him waiting 45 minutes and I had been 15 minutes late after getting lost on our first date. It’s unsettling for me because I’ve never really been late to anything. Any of my friends, employers, teachers, or nearly any other date I’ve been on will tell you the same, but by coincidence the only two times he’s met me, I was late, and he wasn’t thrilled about it. I tried to explain that this was some freak thing that never happens and sort of got this “yeah, sure” attitude back. “Two for two” he said. As much as I don’t like when people are late, I guess the fact that he wasn’t more understanding turned me off a bit. The next thing that went wrong about this night was that in my rushing to meet him, I’d skipped dinner, heading straight to the two-drink minimum comedy show he’d purchased tickets for. The first glass of wine in I whispered that I was accidentally drunk but would try to pretend I was sober. He laughed. I had trouble paying attention to the show after the second glass. Again he didn’t turn down my offer of splitting the bill. Again, I mentally swiped points away from him. I guess I just like to see that someone is willing to treat me to dinners, shows, drinks, and after that’s established, I’m open to treating them.
When we left the show, I insisted on dinner at a fast-food restaurant. It always seems like a great idea when you’re not sober. Blue-ish Eyes reminded me of a guy I once dated when I was fifteen years old. I’d noticed it the first time we met and mostly brushed it off, but on our walk I realized there were more similarities and it wasn’t necessarily a positive realization. I made a fool of myself at the restaurant. I guess you just look worse when alcohol’s affected you more than your date, as well. It was late and they were getting ready to close, pushing tables together to mop under them. After returning from the restroom, I’d forgotten my way around the maze of blocked off tables, and found myself squeezing through two that had been pushed together. “Miss, what are you doing?!” a worker cleaning the area asked me. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t find another path!” I told her, knocking over her mop as I climbed over her cleaning supplies. Upon reaching our table, the group of guys at the table next to us were singing the opening song for the MadTV skit “Lowered Expectations” about the video dating service offering bad dates. Any chance it wasn’t about me? Embarrassed I asked my date if we could leave. Walking to the train he said that going to a comedy show and then just heading home was probably a mistake because it didn’t allow for us to get to know each other well. I guess I figured we should talk, but I quickly steered the conversation to a topic that made him go silent. Literally, just long pauses of silence while he starred at the ground followed my questions. He threw them back at me, and being pretty open I had no trouble sharing my own personal stories, but in the middle of one, my train came. So, there was a quick, extremely awkward hug goodbye and the abrupt end of the date. -I did get a “Remember to drink a lot of water” text from him when I got home. I guess he cares?
Well, that didn’t go so well. Perhaps I could blame it on being Friday The Thirteenth. He did get some points for noticing the design I did on my nails, which Green Eyes didn’t notice, but, knowing that he’s not very open seems to have put me at ease about not meeting him for a third date. On the train home, I texted Green Eyes. I asked if he’d ever accidentally been drunker than a date. He asked if I was talking about me or my date that night. “I’m texting you at midnight about my date, what do you think?” I answered. I think I’m still going to give Green Eyes a shot at a third date.
PS- That’s right, I actually forgot it was Valentines Day today, and really couldn’t care less.
There is a reason they aren’t facing the camera.
There is a reason they don’t have any pictures that weren’t taken from a far.
There is a reason their picture is in black and white.
There is a reason they’re in sunglasses.
There is a reason her picture was taken at a downward angle.
There is a reason he has a hat on.
There is a reason they skipped that question.
There is a reason their pictures are from five to ten years ago.
Amongst my mental chaos of dating too many people at once, I got a textmessage from a hookup buddy I was tempted to see and I realized I couldn’t pull this off. So, I flaked out on the women I was supposed to meet this weekend, and never checked in with the first date from last weekend. I did have a good time talking to Green Eyes (on here, that’ll be the name of my second date from last weekend) over lunch on Sunday, so I figured I should try another date with him. He’d already invited me to grab a drink that Saturday, and I had asked to get back to him closer to the weekend. In the morning I realized I’d better lock something in with him before he had someone else lined up. Later on during our date, I discovered that we apparently read each other pretty well…
Green Eyes: “Hey, when you said you weren’t sure if you were free this weekend, did you have another date?”
Me: *laughs* “Yeah…That’s why I quickly texted you in the morning. I thought you might’ve assumed that out and made other plans.”
Green Eyes: “I figured when you said that, so I did tell another girl I might be free that night. I was thrown off getting your text so early in the morning, but it was nice to wake up to.”
Me: “I guess everyone does this kind of bullshit when dating.”
We both laughed it off.
I got to the bar early and skimmed the cocktails menu. Set on a drink I wanted, I stalled on ordering in case he was planning on treating me. I told him I was a lightweight and didn’t want to drink much before he arrived. That’s true, but it wasn’t why I didn’t order my drink. He paid and we chatted. We probably said more than we should’ve and definitely drank more than we should’ve. Towards the end of the date I found myself offering to pay for some of his drinks and my own. I didn’t feel negatively about it, it just felt fair. It must have already been the next morning when we were leaving the bar. He walked me to the train and mentioned something about coming back to my place. I had a good buzz going, but I do clearly remember my exact answer: “Oh. Um. Well, if you don’t tell me what time it is, so I don’t know how late it is, okay, yeah I guess you could come by.” So, we headed back to my place. You know how some movies cut to a black screen right before some bedroom scene begins? That’s kind of what I’m going to do here.
If it wasn’t already a given, the next morning we were both feeling pretty sick. I woke up at 9am and rummaged around for an extra toothbrush to leave him in the bathroom before getting back into bed. I glanced over at him and replayed the night in my mind, trying to finalize my opinion of him before any morning conversation began. He wasn’t exactly my type physically, but he was cute enough. The real deal-breaker was that he wasn’t a great kisser. It wasn’t horrible, but it was so “meh,” I really felt I could do without it. I’m not sure it’s something you can still improve when you’re nearing thirty either. I couldn’t stop picturing that he must have looked like a goldfish smacking their lips at the top of the water. If I see him again, I’ve got to say something or this will never work out. As awful as I think it would be to bring up, I kind of feel like it might not be so bad. We spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon in bed talking about…really just about everything. We went over each other’s past relationships, sexual experiences/likes/dislikes, getting over lost loves, funny stories, and shared other little anecdotes from each other’s lives. It was very honest and open. I liked that.
Green Eyes: “You know, you’re definitely…Well, just…You’re really the type I’m attracted to.”
Me: “Hm. …You have nice eyes.”
Green Eyes: “Thank you.”
Green Eyes: “After her and I broke up, I had to block her on FaceBook, but we had a lot of mutual friends. One day a friend put up this picture she was in and…You know, I mean there was just this picture…I had to see this picture of her…and…”
Me: “Well, I have a couple of ex’s that I felt it was necessary to block all our mutual friends in addition to them. I mean, I completely explained to these friends that it was nothing personal, I just didn’t want to run into anything like that…”
Green Eyes: “Exactly! I wish I could do that…But they were close friends.”
Me: “Yeah, and I mean you can be over someone but sometimes there’s still something that’s just…It’s like you can only be over some people to a certain extent…And you reach that point, and you’re over them and all, but…”
Green Eyes: “Yes. And it’s also strange that you can be so into someone and so in love with them, and then when you break up and you’re over them, it’s just gone. It’s so weird that it’s gone, like what happens to it, where does it go?”
I just smiled because I’d written this post about that before.
Green Eyes: “Hey, were you planning on bringing me back to your place?”
Me: “No. …I wouldn’t have if I drank less. But it’s fine.”
Around 1pm I finally decided to get dressed and that we’d go out for pancakes on me. So, we hopped in my car and headed out. At the restaurant I mentioned that I hadn’t accomplished a lot that day and probably should have gone grocery shopping. Green Eyes offered to go with me. I asked if he also needed groceries. “No, but I don’t mind going. I really don’t!” I still declined the offer. Was I on the 18th hour of a second date, or in the middle of a long-term relationship? Do second dates usually have 18th hours? (I wasn’t really asking.) When we got back to my place, I figured the date had to be winding down, but he asked to use my bathroom. Of course I let him back upstairs, telling him, “Well, it’d be kind of weird if I said ‘no’ now.” To my surprise he wanted to hang out even longer. He mentioned he was supposed to meet up with his friends hours earlier and another date a bit later. I encouraged him to do both, but he just seemed to make up excuses. I told him our date shouldn’t stop him from going on other dates. I believe “Right on,” was his exact response. This date didn’t make us exclusive, regardless of having this weird illusion we’d been together for a while. He claimed he just wasn’t into her and that it had nothing to do with me. Eventually, after repeating how tired I was, he finally stopped stalling on heading out, although he did seem to suggest other excuses to stay longer while putting on his shoes. I got nervous when he almost took his jacket back off. Then, hours after he left, he was texting me again. My reaction: “uh oh, he likes me…”
I want to be excited about someone and I want it to gradually progress into something. I want to save up all those new experiences with someone new and draw it out over time. Cramming weeks of dates into a nineteen hour period just isn’t as rewarding as falling for someone over time. I’d been thinking it would be nice to jump into the more comfortable and settled-in phase of a relationship, but I really found myself missing too much from the beginning…though that’s still where we should’ve been. I got a sort of “how was your day?” check-in text from him the next day. The attention felt nice, but I just didn’t feel like it had anything to do with the message being from him…
Around the same time I’d received a message from the one-photo profile, I got a message from a two, semi-blurry-photos profile who had misread the genre of music I was into. He apparently missed the “not” in “I’m not into…” and messaged me talking about those kinds of bands. I was going to ignore the message only because it felt slightly awkward, but a day or two later realized that was silly and simply replied that he must’ve misread what I’d written and asked what else he was interested in. We wound up in a fun conversation with a lot of jokes going back and forth. It was simple conversation, very playful, fun and flirty. I started to feel like I was coming off a lot funnier than I may actually be in person, and began thinking it would be better if we met and cleared that up because I’d give any further false impression about me. Perhaps it was also just that we shared a similar sense of humor and would continue to find each other humorous in person after all. I was hesitant about meeting someone with blurry pictures, but after such fun conversation, I was still intrigued enough.
The coffee date was more like a short lunch of sandwiches with tea. I’m pretty sure asking someone to get a coffee no longer necessarily means exactly that. This date was pretty unlike the date from the previous night. Appearance-wise he did have facial-hair opposed to being clean shaven, was slightly older than me while the other date was slightly younger, his family was of a different religion, he had lived in this area for longer, and just had a difference sort of lifestyle. He pulled out his credit card when I’d barely had a chance to offer to pay. Granted, the total was less than half the amount of the previous night’s dinner. The total meant nothing to me, but I knew I was giving him points with the gesture of paying. He seemed more fun, more interesting, and like he probably had a more similar sense of humor to me. Still, I wasn’t sure about how attractive I found him either. I sort of rated him at a medium level. I suppose I’d see him again as well. Then it dawned on me that although at an early stage of things, I was dating two people at once, with plans of meeting more the following week. (There are two women I’ve exchanged numbers with who said they were free next weekend and would text me closer to then.) Immediately I began to panic about whether I could handle it. I felt like Phoebe on Friends in that episode where she’s dating two guys at once –I’ve recently been re-watching the entire series since it’s become available on NetFlix Watch Instantly. It felt very appropriate at this point in my life with all the dating that goes on in the show. I replied to one guy’s texts, “Yeah I had a good time too,” followed by answering the other guy’s text with my e-mail so he could send me some article he thought I might be interested in. I’m enjoying the contrast between the two dates, while remaining somewhat interested in both at the moment.
I noticed that both of them texted me right as I was getting home, about an hour after the date, that they had a good time and were interested in seeing me again. It’s not the first time I’ve received a text that quickly after a date either. So, I’ve decided that waiting two-three days before calling rule is dead ever since textmessaging became popular, but I think texting the next day is also acceptable, especially after a late night out. I haven’t come up with nick names to keep track of them yet on this blog, but I’m sure I’ll have something to call them after the second date, provided we all get to that point. Hopefully things don’t go too well with both of them for long, so I won’t feel weird back-to-back dating the two of them, especially if I wind up kissing one of them goodnight. So far, I’ve only given both a friendly sort of goodbye hug. I think it’s all acceptable this early on, of course, but I’ll have to be upfront with them if anything progresses much further with either of them…or next week’s potential dates. Do you hear the nervousness behind this post from someone who’s never truly cheated on someone and doesn’t plan on starting?
The second date texted me a sort of check-in, hope-my-day-at-work-wasn’t-too-bad kind of text. We had a bit of back and forth text conversation. It was nice. He won some more points on that. The only thing is, I notice myself getting more excited about the fact that there’s *someone* than over who it is. It’s more over, “aw, *someone* acceptable is interested in me!” and less “I’m excited about someone who’s interested in me!” I suppose that’s just sort of what happens after such a long stretch of singleness and no “somebody” to text little anecdotes about your day to…I guess it’s always nice to have that and another reason to temporarily forget the downside of dating/being in a relationship.
I kind of sort of had scheduled five dates at once. I guess that’s partially my excuse for being busy and not posting here lately. After cutting back on my dating site screening process, it’s become a little easier to get a date. I’m in a date-mood lately, although half way through them I still get that déjà vu feeling and realize I’m sitting across from someone, telling the same stories and asking the same questions again. I even have my go to first date and second date outfits that I seem to stick with. But lately, I’ve been enjoying checking out new bars and restaurants I get invited to after such a long hiatus from dating, so I kind of told five different people I was free this weekend. I figured some of them would bail and if I had to, I could pull it off or cancel on some. In the end, I was right. Most of them rescheduled for next weekend.
I received a message from a profile with just one picture and barely any profile information the other day. Normally I’d be hesitant to reply, but I sensed sincerity and got back a lack of self confidence from him. There was a surprised inquiry about why I’d even answered him once I did. He seemed very plain. Smart, cute, but sort of dull. Safe. After only a couple of messages we exchanged numbers and he asked me to dinner. Honestly, when I got a “Hey, it’s so and so would you like to go to dinner” text I’d already forgotten about him, and thought “Who’s so and so?” I had to log back into the dating site to check. I sort of sighed and texted back that I’d go. It took me about twenty minutes to decide if I actually felt like going on the date last night. I weighed my options since it was cold outside, but getting dinner when I didn’t have much to eat in my kitchen sounded good. I didn’t tell the date that I showed up because I was hungry. He seemed surprised that it was me when I said hello and I didn’t find out why. He looked exactly like his one and only photo. Again I felt a very non-intimidating vibe from him which I liked. Once on the topic of tattoos he wanted to know why I wasn’t surprised he didn’t have any and I explained my first impression of his innocence. He said that I might be surprised about him, but then a moment later added that I actually probably wasn’t that far off.
The check came and I offered to split it. Without a moment of hesitation he agreed. I mentally removed some points from him. He did ask me to dinner and pick the place, but I also did pressure him into getting a drink with me when he rarely drinks. Later, it felt cheap of me to remove the points, and unlike what I feel would be equal and acceptable on a date, but I suppose I’ve started to get spoiled again letting others treat me to dinners/drinks on dates. We got along and I’d see him again, but he’s not the type of guy you get really excited about. I’m not sure I could picture myself too romantically involved with him, especially physically. On my way home I thought about texting one of the other potential dates I’d pushed off until next week. I remembered I hadn’t added his number to my phone contacts yet, and figured it might be too weird to go on two dates in one night. As I walked in my front door, he actually texted me and I prepared to head back out if he was interested in getting a drink. He had plans, but asked me out for coffee the next day. So, this was my back-to-back date weekend…Stay tuned to hear about the other date!
I spent last week wondering if I’d decide to spend that weekend on a second date with the guy I saw last weekend. I didn’t make up my mind until the afternoon he texted me asking if we were still on. My mood at that moment? Go on the date! He chose a bottle of wine and an appetizer for us, and I skimmed the menu for the tastiest sounding dish. It happened to be one of the most expensive main courses, but seeing that he didn’t flinch when I mentioned it interested me, I figured it was safe to order. We started talking and I couldn’t help but wonder what had gotten me the second date in the first place. It seemed obvious to me that we were continuing to disagree on just about everything.
Again he seemed to try to slap a label on who I was entirely as a person. I couldn’t believe I was actually explaining that people were so much more complex than being given one label and how diverse personalities could be. I told him that most people weren’t one clean cut way or another and instead fell along some sort of spectrum of personality type and core being. He told me that some of my stories confused him and he was disappointed as he’d been under the impression he had already pegged me for exactly who I was. I’d shattered the image he’d already tried to set of me. He told me that he thought I was a hippy and I no longer fit into the box he’d categorized me into. But, this wasn’t Dharma & Greg and I wasn’t going to just be some novelty he’d hoped he could say he’d dated. For the record, no one else has ever considered me to be a hippy. We continued to discuss our differences, as it seemed there wasn’t any common ground to fall back on. At one point a radish flew out of his hand and landed on the seat next to us. I laughed and he tossed it onto our table. I told him it was still clean and he admitted he wanted to eat it, but wasn’t because he didn’t want me to judge him. I wondered why he even cared what I thought at that point.
A bit later it was discovered that my ex’s employer was actually his company’s main competitor. He asked me what I thought of that business, and I admitted I really had no interest in it. He told me that his job was very important to him and defined his life. He asked what I spoke to my ex about if I wasn’t interested in his company. “I don’t know, we just had fun instead. We talked about things we actually had in common,” I told him. I instantly realized this was, in other words, “I do not have fun with you and we don’t have anything in common.” We then debated a topic I’m passionate about that he’d mentioned he’d disagreed with, but was what he’d invited me to dinner to discuss. He quickly changed his stance and I lost some respect for him. If he hadn’t known enough or cared much for the topic, why had he taken such a strong stance in the first place? We continued to mismatch discussing our preferences and choices made in our lives, but this wasn’t one of those meals where you cautiously pick at a salad in order to not make a mess in front of someone you’re trying to impress. I enjoyed my darn dish. Again he swept up the check without even glancing to see if I’d reached for my purse. Guilt free about the meal with the date I’d had no interest in. The restaurant become crowded and the waiter asked if he could buy us a cocktail at the bar so we’d give up the table. I said yes and he said no. No surprise there. He walked me to the train and asked me to text him the title of a book that had come up in conversation. I gave him a half-assed hug goodnight, thanked him for dinner, and went on my way. When I got home, I did text him the title of the book. I think it was the first time in my life I was happy I didn’t get a reply text and have my fingers crossed it stays that way. My experiment with dating just for dinner wasn’t such a bad experience after all.
I basically went on a blind date tonight. A week or so ago a guy on a dating site asked me out after just a message or two were exchanged. I was in an odd and somewhat desperate mood, so with just one quick scroll over his profile, I’d agreed. I’d almost forgotten about it until he checked in today to see if we were still on. I guess I’d also been hoping someone better would have come along by now, but seeing as a date might be better than no date, I went. On the train there was a guy sitting across from me who I mentally labeled “movie star pretty.” He had gorgeous eyes I kept catching. I caught him watching me reapply my lipstick, but only wound up starring at the floor, laughing to myself at how bad I am at flirting and how impossible I find it to smile at a stranger. I thought about jotting down a quick compliment with my number and handing it to him as I’d step off the train. I’ve probably been dreaming about putting that plan into action for years, carrying a small scrap of paper and pen everywhere I’ve gone, but still have never had the guts to do it. I wonder what makes me so outgoing at some moments, yet shy away so quickly during others –alcohol excluded. We wound up getting off at the same stop and I unintentionally ended up following him for quite a while as we were headed in the same direction, which would have made for an awkward exit if I had gone the route of handing him a note. After convincing myself he had a girlfriend and would have blown me off or that he might have been gay, I pushed the image of him out of my mind to arrive at the bar I was meeting my date.
My date wasn’t unattractive, but he certainly wasn’t what I’d called “movie star pretty.” We ordered drinks and I pointed out oysters were on the happy hour menu, as if I hadn’t checked the menu before heading out. This wasn’t a date from hell or anything, but I was not impressed. I was almost bored and had this feeling that he was continuously putting me down, forcing me to defend myself. He just didn’t make me feel great about who I was, and seemed very concerned with social status. He constantly tried to stereotype me and fit me into a box to group me into the type of person I was as if everyone can be so easily labeled. At one point he actually said, “You’re not as weird as I thought you were going to be.” I asked if that was a good or a bad thing. He said he was a little disappointed. I was a little insulted. An hour in I wanted a second drink, but didn’t get to voice that because he instantly told the waitress that we’d just have the check and informed me he had dinner plans with a friend next. I assumed it was another date. To top it off as I gathered my belongings, he also let me know that he had differing views about something I’m very passionate about. We agreed there wasn’t enough time to discuss it and I headed home.
I figured I’d never hear from him again. Clearly we didn’t click. He didn’t leave me feeling very positively about myself, and I’d been turned off by quite a few things he’d said about himself. The train ride home I decided to think of it as nothing more than free oysters and a free drink. I texted my hook-up buddy after months of silence; Busy. Then I came home to a text from the date asking me out to dinner next week. I wanted to text back that we didn’t click, but I hesitated and first checked my dating site inbox. Empty. Or at least empty of anyone I saw as a potential date. Then I googled the restaurant he suggested. Another fancy place I probably couldn’t afford. I’d never really dated for the dinners and drinks. It’s really never been my thing. But considering how poorly things have been going in my dating life, I figure it’s something to consider in the new year. Back to something being better than nothing. If I meet someone more interesting, I can cancel. If I’m not in the mood or my conscience is bothering me, I can cancel. Or on Saturday night I can just look at the menu online and debate how hungry or in the mood I am for a fancy meal. Women do this all the time. This date barely let the check hit the table before scooping it up and announcing he’d pay. Why not give it a shot? I can end this after one meal, just two dates in, right? All of these questions are being triggered because I find something unsettling about this, but considering my current path hasn’t lead me anywhere great yet, perhaps some actions unlike myself couldn’t hurt? Don’t worry, I’m already picking out the slightly less expensive dishes from the menu so the side of guilt served is a little smaller.
If you’re in your twenties, the holiday season means a flood of engagements will be coming through your FaceBook newsfeed. I suppose that has had a hand in raising my anxiety of being single and has caused my screening process to become a little more lenient. Apparently I have a date this Saturday night with a guy who’s profile I only glanced at, and exchanged no more than two messages with. I thought I might as well get a night out of deciding if this person is worth any more of my time. I have very low expectations, which means it’s going to take a lot to be let down next weekend. In the meantime I’ve been exchanging messages with a girl I’m really not that excited about, but hey someone female actually isn’t ignoring me on these sites for a change. And, the most recent initial message from a guy sitting in my inbox, and being ignored is currently…
Usually I’m not this bitchy…But I was in a crappy mood and I’m checking my messages on dating sites and I see this message. Why would your initial message be an insult? How could this dude possibly expect me to react positively to a message asking if my interests have turned me into a “crazy” person, and then try to play it off as a serious question. I was also surprised at how defensive he became considering I just glanced at his profile picture and quickly thought of a return insult without even clicking on his profile. Apparently it was a sensitive topic for him. What I really don’t understand is that a week later (tonight) he sent me that last message on the bottom. (I haven’t responded.) It’s not the first time I’ve ended or ignored a message only to have someone start the conversation new a week later…even when the previous messages are sitting right above it.
I’ve got until June 2019 to find a suitable male date before the condoms I just bought all expire again. Remember Mr. Perfect Profile? Last week I shot him one of those not-quite-desperate, and rather mostly just determined texts, a week after he’d canceled our date last minute. I figured I’d have nothing to lose. My weekend was open, there were no other prospective dates lined up, and we’d never met so it didn’t really matter how I came off as to him, so I asked him out a second time. In the past I had a history of being somewhat naïve and under the assumption if someone said they were busy, they were busy. It never occurred to me that someone wouldn’t be completely honest with me when it came to dating. After years of being lied to, I’ve kind of toughened up and have trouble trusting what I’m told, but there’s still a part of me that will fold if the liar becomes defensive. It’s difficult to find the balance in protecting my feelings, while not coming off as insensitive. This time when he excitedly accepted the rescheduled date for Saturday night, I teased him, “Just let me know a little sooner if you plan on backing out at the last minute again this time.” He became defensive about family issues having come up that weekend, and immediately I noticed I was apologizing, nervous of having offended an honest person. Shortly after that we’d confirmed a place and time for the date. I hadn’t planned on getting my hopes up again. I was pretty let down the first time he’d backed out, and knew it could easily happen again, but by Thursday I felt myself getting anxious about the upcoming weekend. I thought it might be best to check in Friday, so I wished him a happy Friday and asked if we were still on for the next day. No answer, but that’s alright because he was probably at work. When I still hadn’t heard from him on that rainy Saturday, and I joked asking if I should assume he wasn’t into heading out in the rain to meet me at that bar, and I never heard back, I knew there was no need to pick out an outfit.
That’s one thing that I will always find completely uncalled for, though. Ignoring someone. I’m not talking about missing a call or a text here or there when you’re busy. I’m not even talking about when you get some strange initial message on a dating site from someone you’ve never spoken to before. (I do think it’s a little rude not to answer one of those, especially when it’s a long and non-generic message, but I can understand that some people would rather not get a reply than a reply letting them down, and some people don’t have time to respond to each and every message, especially when already conversing with a prospective date. It’s a tool used to meet someone you’d like to go on a date with, and it’s users are generally aware of that.) I’m talking about when you’ve already met someone, or had a decent amount of dialogue with a person with plans set to meet them, and you decide to back out of it by suddenly not acknowledging anything they say. I don’t care if it’s over the internet or what year this is, it’s rude, disrespectful, and completely uncalled for. The digital age has helped disconnect us from one another to the extent that we forget there is a person on the other end of that textmessage, e-mail, or phone call. There is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and some sort of schedule in their life who has decided to put aside x amount of time of their indefinite lifetime to speak to you or spend time with you. The very least you can do to not be a piece of sh*t human being on this earth is to follow through or politely decline their request and not leave them hanging there indefinitely over what you might have to say, only to find out that you didn’t even have it in you to offer seconds of your time to spare them any of their time wasted over you. It’s selfish and cruel.
Alright, this isn’t just about last weekend. This isn’t the first time, I know it’s not the last time, and I know I’m not the only one it’s happened to. It’s bigger than “I’ll call you” and they don’t. It’s just being ignored entirely. It’s when you try to connect with someone and they respond by pretending you’re not even there. It’s reaching out and then having someone suggest your existence is just not significant enough to be acknowledged. It’s just as childish as when you were a kid and your friend was mad at you. They would say they’re not talking to you, and even though you knew they could hear you, they’d turn the other way and remain silent. It usually ended with finding a person in the middle and a “Tell so and so that I am not speaking to them,” which was eventually followed up with breaking the silence and directing their words to you again. Through text messages, the middle person doesn’t exist. You can either send follow up texts that make you look like a fool when the other person continues to ignore you, or you can patiently await a reply that never comes, going about your day with the lingering idea in the back of your mind, triple checking that your phone is on, you haven’t hit silent mode by mistake, and you have no missed messages. This act makes you feel pathetic and it’s followed by negative feelings of either sadness or angry, and it’s really all quite unnecessary. It’s when you go out on a date and afterwards he/she texts you that they had a great time and would like to see you again, and then you then set plans for x night and never hear from that person again. It’s when you show up to the bar/restaurant and no one is there, without having a single missed call on your phone. It’s when you develop some sort of connection with someone over many messages on the internet, textmessages, or phone calls and when it comes time to meet it’s as if they literally disappeared off the face of the planet.
I am reminded of this because a decent number of years ago I went out on a date after meeting this guy in a bar. It went well. We continued talking and he asked me on another date. We still continued to converse, the night of the next date neared and poof he was gone. Never answered another of my texts or calls. Removed himself from the event invite to my birthday party. Removed himself from FaceBook. I thought maybe something horrible had happened to him. I thought maybe something had happened with his family. I thought maybe he might have come out of the closet and not been ready to speak to me about it. I thought of just about every possibility, including a lot of blame on myself. It hadn’t occurred to me that the most logical idea was that for whatever reason (including meeting someone else) he had changed his mind about going on another date with me, and decided that rather than facing me and confronting me with this, he would make himself vanish. He, as many others do, just ran away from something unpleasant like a coward, leaving someone else to deal with the uncomfortable situation on their own. A couple of weeks ago I noticed this “new” friend on my FaceBook. It was the dude I’d gone on that date with years ago who disappeared off the face of the planet. He must’ve just reactivated his FaceBook and never deleted me as a friend back then. Remembering it was around the time of my birthday, I curiously clicked through his pictures from back then. Apparently he’d gone on vacation and decided to just vanish off the earth instead of just texting me to call off our date. I can’t make any more sense of it now, but I guess I can probably lump him into the “just a jerk” category at this point and continue to move on.
Have you ever stood someone up? Have you ever ignored someone as a way of avoiding a future date with them? Have you ever walked out on someone you were in a long-term relationship with? Why did you do it? How did it make you feel? Did you ever consider how it would be for the other person? Did the person ever deserve it?
The time-traveler (see previous post for the back story) shot me a text the next afternoon. I know he doesn’t use textmessages, so I knew that was big for him. I suddenly felt guilty about how I’d left things off, when I really had no plans of speaking to him again. It took me a couple of hours before I remembered how much I hated being ignored in that situation, and decided it would just be better to let him know how I felt before leading him on any further. His textmessage had sounded so sweet, so I felt kind of awful to bring him down. It went like this…
It was his short reply that made me feel pretty bad, though…
That curt “See ya” has such a hurt and defensive tone behind it. I didn’t read it as a friendly, “Oh well” sort of “see ya,” but one that says “I don’t care,” when you really do. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry I may have mislead him, or that I felt bad, but nothing I typed into that “compose message” box seemed like anything that would have made me feel better if I’d been on the receiving end of it. My friends think I shouldn’t feel so guilty and that he shouldn’t have had that response, but I know there have been times I was there. Even just a couple of days ago I’d had my excitement over the latest Mr. Perfect Profile crushed. Somehow this text read “I was happy about meeting you and felt potential in how things went, all last night and throughout today, and then you shattered that.” Maybe he should’ve read into my “I’m tired” so early into the night a little better. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him goodnight. Either way, no matter how short-lived something may have been, bringing someone down who didn’t really do anything wrong will never be a pleasant thing. Although that was a lot of reading into the text exchange I did, I suddenly felt an overwhelming distain for dating…That probably sparked some of this blog’s recent comeback.
[Continuation From Previous Post]
I hadn’t been out on a date in months, and I also hadn’t been out on a date with a guy in almost a year. Feeling that this made it some sort of out-of-the-ordinary special occasion, even with a not-so-special (yet?) person, I decided to spend a little extra time on my appearance. I’ve got a job where formal attire is required, sucking the excitement out of being “dressed up for a change.” So, a little more effort is necessary to stray from my routine look. I know I don’t “need” makeup, but spending some extra time applying it differently from my usual look, paired with the extra 5 minutes on my hair, I did feel that I looked pretty hot that night. (That’s not a word I typically use to describe myself.) Even if it was just the confidence boost it somehow added, it was nice to feel that way. Knowing the person I was about to meet was really my second choice date for the night, I figured I’d arrive a little early to have a pre-date drink and psych myself up for it a little more. Maybe I was also hoping to get someone else’s number before he arrived. I spent the first 20 minutes in a crowded bar desperately looking for some place to put my glass of wine down so I could take off my coat. I leaned against the wall in-between the jukebox and the ATM hoping someone might separate from their group and use one of them. Eventually I did ask someone very attractive to hold the glass for me for a moment. Their body language screamed “I’m not interested in you.” Thanks. I wasn’t off to an exciting night.
The date showed up mostly on time and I was surprised that his accent, clothes, and just about everything about him felt like he’d been plucked from some old New York film from somewhere around the 1920-1940’s. It was quite interesting and even more so hilarious. I decided to pretend we’d gone back in time and I went with it. Of course, he was clueless to this game –as this was just who he was present day. He used the restroom and when he walked out immediately said, “Ah, you’re still here, that’s good.” I figured it was a joke, but wondered if anyone had really been that rude to him before and just vanished moments after meeting him. At my suggestion, we got out of that bar and went a couple of blocks down to the less crowded place I was actually supposed to meet my first choice date at. Wouldn’t it have been funny if he had been there with someone else? I wouldn’t have been surprised after how excited he’d sounded over the bar. He wasn’t there, that I noticed. So, second choice date and I talked. He talked like we were living decades in the past, and it fueled my game of imagining we’d gone back in time when he talked about his distain for the latest technology and refusal to use textmessages. Even when I asked about his family he seemed to ramble more about New York history, when this and that bridge was being built and so on, than their actual lives. Perhaps he had been a time traveler! My little sci-fi fantasy was probably the only thing keeping up my excitement about the date. From the start I wasn’t feeling very into him, and had to keep my mind from wandering to the beginning where he’d noted I was still there after he’d stepped into the restroom. To pass the time and keep myself entertained, I talked a lot, and I talked about things that interested me. If you’re interested in someone, I suggest asking to hear more about that person rather than talking their ear off about yourself. That’s sort of a general rule number one on dates. That is, dates you want to go somewhere.
I didn’t mind when he kissed me because I’d had a couple of drinks, but it woke me up to realize he was somehow into me even after my non-stop chatter, or just looking to hook up, and I shouldn’t lead him on. I told him I was tired and I had to go head home. Sometimes I am actually tired and sometimes I have had a good time, but feel it’s getting late. So, I can’t tell you that it’s every time, but there is a very good possibility someone isn’t into you or the date if they tell you they’re tired. He seemed a bit surprised as two hours hadn’t even gone by yet, but he walked me to the train anyway. I hugged him goodbye and quickly had the thought, “Well, you’ve already kissed him, maybe it would be weird if you didn’t kiss him goodbye now” –Of course, there wasn’t much time to give it a second thought because my train was about to leave, so I kissed him goodnight and hurried on my way. I was still humored over the idea that he’d really been from some other decade in time, and although I’d never know without seeing him again, I figured it might be more fun to keep it as a sort of mystery novelty idea. I might have just gone on a date with a time traveler. That was a much more fun way of putting it than what the more probably reality had been.
Do you ever find someone “perfect” on a dating website, or rather find that they have the “perfect” profile? You sort of have that invisible check list you run down and you find that their qualifications to date you are off the charts. While you know the guy or girl might be totally different in person, every word they write, and every picture they put up is exactly what you look for on a profile. When you read it you smile and nod along to every line until it seems too good to be true. It usually is in the end, isn’t it? I’ve only found this kind of profile two or three times in all my years on dating sites. Of course, if all had gone to plan after finding them, I wouldn’t have this blog. I wind up excited over the potential, stressed about screwing things up in the conversation, and nervous about getting my hopes too high for some sort of later let-down. A couple of weeks ago I stumbled onto one of those pages, and we wound up in an excellent back and forth conversation. We both seemed to be so perfectly aligned on every topic, humored by each other’s jokes, and just having an overall great flow in conversation. I realized how long it’d been since I’d had a good conversation with someone and how much I’d missed it. It was more than just the basic getting to know you questions, it was stories and anecdotes that made it interesting and real. Just a couple of days into the conversation, I sent my number and said to text me so we could make plans to meet. Just a couple of hours later I got a text, and all seemed well…Until it didn’t.
I’ll spare you the details of most of the he said/she said, but plans to meet went into the works over a two week period with a lot of uncertainty on his side. “I might not be free? I have tentative plans with a flakey friend,” “As of right now I am free Saturday. There may be a work thing going on but I don’t think it’s likely,” and then “I should be good for tomorrow.” In fact the only time I got a “Yeah, definitely!” was when I said “Maybe some time when you’re free.” There were some excuses about work preventing answers via text with days-long gaps in-between. I got the feeling he’d recently met someone else and none of this was truly what was going on. When we were finally locked in with a place and time for Saturday night, I had a bad feeling about it. Sure, I’d been excited about it all week, but something told me I was going to get stood up. I’d been talking to someone okay, yet less interesting on the same dating site, so I hesitantly made plans with him for the same night. I’ve never done that before, had a date with a back-up date lined up in case one fell through, but for some reason it just felt necessary this weekend. I’d spent too many lame weekends in a row pondering what it’d be like to be out on a date again.
Three hours before the date, around the time I’d have been hopping in the shower, I checked into the dating site and sure enough he was on it. Of course, this didn’t mean a lot because I was also logged in, and I’d still been chatting with other prospective dates. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that until you’ve actually met someone and established some monogamous agreement in your relationship, but after already having a bad feeling about the uncertain language he’d been using, I sent a “So, see you there at 7?” final text. That’s when I got the latest story about “some shit going down back home” and how he was out of town, wouldn’t be back for over a week, and sorry for cancelling. Maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn’t. It probably wasn’t. Either way, disappointed I sulked some. Why was this “perfect” profile this misleading about the person behind it? I started thinking about the flaws we all have. Everyone we ever meet has them and we’ve just got to find a compatible combination of our flaws. Almost everyone you’ll ever date is someone else’s ex for a reason. The “perfect” person is only perfect to you because you find the combination of their positive attributes and flaws to be flawlessly compatible with your own. Although I wasn’t psyched about my back-up date, I decided not to let the outfit I’d picked out go to waste that night and started getting ready anyway…
[Check Back For Details On The Date I Went On In The Next Post!]
Okay, so you remember the post about the guy who took a year to reply to my message? Well, that conversation was continued a couple of days ago:
Random Guy: Hello! Didn’t we talk a while back? I apologize if I didn’t message you back, I kinda got frustrated with this site and haven’t been on much recently. Anyway, I would love to get together sometime!
Myself: ..That was a year ago……
Random Guy: This is true…but I still think we would get along well:)
Myself: Dude, now you just messaged me back over two months later…
I think that summarizes the success of (or lack of) my dating life right now.
I definitely have a couple of anecdotes to share from some bar hopping adventures, but I haven’t been writing because I’ve been feeling less “free” on this blog. I shared it with a couple of friends, (and probably some “friends”) when I first started it and have now begun to censor myself more than I would if it were fully anonymous. I’ll do my best to keep it up, but may have to make some adjustments to keep this blog at my comfort level. To be honest, I almost deleted the entire thing not that long ago, before deciding it wasn’t necessary. As far as the dating sites go, I sort of abandoned a few conversations I felt I was forcing myself to have, but of course the silly messages still occur every now and then –Here are two recent examples:
Random Guy: You’re adorable, so adorable in fact that I’ve decided I’m going to adopt you as my new little sister! Don’t worry, we’ll spend all our time climbing trees and drinking kool-aid. Actually you seem like a cool person, I’d love to get together sometime and let you cook for me haha.. Wait! You’re not crazy, are you!?
Myself: uh..Yeah, I am crazy. But I’m sorry, you seem a little crazier than me anyway and I’m not interested.
Random Guy: Well. Say you were with someone, and you liked them, but you wanted to treat it as something more casual. Then you find out he’s not circumcised. Would you prefer to switch to “just friends”? Versus if you were actually dating someone you really, really liked and wanted a serious relationship?
Myself: Have you messaged me before about something similar? If you haven’t, it’s really f*cking weird this is the second time someone has sent me this kind of message…
[His account was deleted after this]
Well, that was a first. Yesterday I got a message from a guy on one of the dating sites. I could tell he wasn’t really my type, but he was cute, intelligent, and interesting enough. We exchanged about four messages describing our jobs, what we do in our free time, etc. Then suddenly he messaged me saying that he’d thought it over and realized we should probably try to meet different people on there. Is it really possible to break up with someone you’ve only spent a total of maybe 20 minutes speaking to and never met? I replied to the last few things he mentioned to round off the conversation, agreed that we probably weren’t the best match and wished him luck. But it was just strange because I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’ve somehow been dumped. I didn’t say anything so out there, ignorant, or cruel. I’m really just sort of confused as this has never happened before. I spend so much time shaking off those I’m not interested in, I guess I never really thought about someone doing it to me, so early into a conversation that was going well. I guess most of them usually just stop replying out of the blue when they decide they’re not interested, but to get a message that says “Maybe we just need to both keep looking” -I suddenly feel just about as bad as you can feel getting dumped by someone you didn’t know for more than a day and hadn’t developed any feelings for. I guess that isn’t so bad, but at the same time it doesn’t feel great when you’ve already been somewhat lonely and down. Maybe it was just the way he phrased it that made it all too familiar, and stirred up feelings of being dumped in the past. Sometimes it’s like I’m reliving certain moments, though the present situation may have little to do with my past.
The continuation of my non-existent love-life…The most recent message in my dating site inbox:
Not Exactly Random Guy: Hi there how is it going, I’m [NAME CENSORED], so tell me how is your experience so far on this site. Please read my profile, get to know me, and I hope to hear back from you.
Myself: [NAME CENSORED], we went to highschool together.
We have a pretty low match percentage lol
I thought you were with someone last I knew, sorry to hear it didn’t work out. Hope you’re still having a good time with the [HOBBY CENSORED] stuff!
Good luck on here! =)
He was always kind of creepy. Sometimes I wonder how they don’t recognize me, especially when we’ve been friends on FaceBook. It just further proves that people send out mass messages and don’t even pay attention to who they go to…Even I’m not that desperate (yet?)
I can’t say I’m doing too well in the dating scene right now. A guy sent me a message with a slightly odd comment about one of my pictures, but his pictures were attractive and he had an interesting profile, so we wound up chatting for a few weeks anyway. I was interested in meeting him in person to find out if he was the good kind of weird or the bad kind. With some people, it’s difficult to tell online. He had asked me to get a cup of coffee (I never know if I should take that literally or just as a saying) and I accepted, but then we just went back to our conversation. One night I sent him my number saying that he should text me if he wanted to meet up, and instead of a text, I got another message with his number, saying I could do the same. I think this was around the moment I realized as much as I don’t want to set any rules or restrictions in dating, I need to be pursued and I’m not into pursing someone. It’s silly in my mind, but I can’t deny it.
Eventually, I texted him. We both expressed that we would be free that weekend. He still hadn’t named a time or a place, so I decided to make it easier. I told him that my day at work had been stressful and I was craving a martini. He didn’t reply. The weekend arrived and I texted him twice asking if he was free to meet up, but each time he’d just throw it back to me. I didn’t go out that weekend. Then I remembered that his profile mentioned he was also interested in meeting some people just for friendship instead of dating. I started thinking maybe he had just messaged me seeking friendship and not a date.
Being me, I asked him a few days later. He told me that he saw potential for both in messaging me and just kind of wanted to see where it went. Well, that’s fine and all but I’m not really on that site to seek friendships with guys at this time. It does usually wind up that way with most of the people I meet, but it wasn’t my initial intention. I let him know about my need to be pursued and he said that he typically feels he needs to be pursued as well. I told him that I was more interested in dating than finding new friends from the site, but I added that I probably wouldn’t mind making new female friends so that I would have friends to go to gay bars with. To this he suggested being my “wingman.” There went the possibility of someone new to date. I told him that it hadn’t really worked out the last time I went with a straight guy friend, and he told me that he hadn’t really thought of himself as a “straight” guy before. Our conversation continued, but the potential for someone new to date did not.
So, the closest I came to dating someone recently was speaking to a guy I thought wanted to date me, to it turning out he just wanted to be friends, and ending up with him questioning his own sexual preferences. I’d say, yeah, I’m not doing too well with the whole dating scene right now.
Calling them out on it…
Random Guy: Hi you are beautiful how are you? Xoxo
Myself: Sorry, I prefer messages with more effort that suggest the person did more than glance at my pictures before messaging me. I’m not interested. Good luck on here! =)
Random Guy: Lol
I managed to skip the entire dating process which would’ve wound up a complete waste of time with one dude! Maybe I should “test” everyone this way!…
Red Flag Number One: His initial message mentioned messaging me in the past and him not being sure if I received it because he had internet problems. On this site it’s pretty clear if you sent someone a message or not, as there are multiple ways of confirming it. There must have been a reason I hadn’t replied to his message from his previous profile.
For some reason I ignored the first red flag and we started talking. He asked me what I found physically attractive in a guy. I found that kind of strange to ask as everyone has pictures up, and I’d even made note of some of my “turn offs” on my profile. He was pretty upset by the fact that I’m generally not attracted to guys with facial hair. I don’t really know why he wanted me to further delve into why exactly I wasn’t into it, when it wouldn’t really change anything.
Red Flag Number Two: He said that he thought I would make a good girlfriend because I seemed to be good with communication. I do think I’m pretty good with communication in relationships, but to mention the suggestion of some sort of commitment with another after about 20 minutes of chatting online is a little too soon. Still, for some reason I let it go.
And again, “for some reason” I told him I’d meet him because it was hard to get a real idea of someone on these sites and sent him my number with instructions to text me when he’s free. I really wish I hadn’t noticed the typo in my number the first time I sent it to him and hadn’t corrected myself. Now, I expected to receive a text possibly that night, or maybe (preferably) that weekend about plans to meet. I figured we were done with the website and moving to our cellphones.
Mind you our conversation happened over a couple of hours in the same day. He constantly told me about how I was his type and how great I seemed. I really think you should hold off on all of that until you’ve met someone in person. It just doesn’t come off as very sincere and I’ve really never been flattered by comments about my physical appearance on there, as it’s all solely based on just a few pictures I’ve put up.
Red Flag Number Three: He’s going to my profile every ten minutes. I went on a date with someone like that about a year or two ago, who wound up giving me the vibe of a stalker after we met. Good news is that he finally deleted his account a few days ago.
*He texts me “Hi” at 9:31pm.
*He messages me on the site a few minutes later about how attractive he finds me.
*He texts me that it’s him (Side note, I wasn’t a fan of his name from the start) at 9:43pm.
I’m turned off by the amount of times he’s going to my profile and his message about how attractive I am and how he’s so attracted to me, so I decide to answer his text the next day. It’s kind of late, anyway.
*The next morning he messages me on the site, while I’m at work, at 10:30am “I texted you…”
*He texts me again, while I’m at work at 1:36pm “hello? Why are you blowing me off?”
*Just in case I didn’t get that text, he messages me on the site at 1:50pm, “Why are you blowing me off?”
*Finally, at 2:10pm, while I’m at work he messages me on the site “You’re an asshole.”
We haven’t known each other an entire 24 hours, we haven’t met, it’s been about 12 hours since he first texted me, and he’s calling me an asshole…
Normally, I don’t ignore people. I don’t like being ignored, so I don’t do it to others. I had intended on meeting this guy up until he started to seem creepy. I decided I’d give him a chance to redeem himself and text him back after work, -After all, I sometimes go to bed around 9pm and I’d have been at work the next day, so it wouldn’t be that crazy not to answer him right away. A friend said that I didn’t owe him an explanation for not replying in that time frame, but I figured I’d be honest. I didn’t want him to be left wondering why he was ignored “out of the blue” as I had dealt with myself in the past. Maybe he would stop texting me and we could still meet, even. But, he blew it. Obsessively freaking out about me not answering him for a few hours, and not just giving it a day or so first, really isn’t something I find attractive, magnified when I haven’t even met the person. So, I answered him…
Myself: Dude, you’re freaking me, okay?
I haven’t even met you, I don’t even know that it’s been a full 24 hours since you first messaged me, but somehow I already felt like “Okay, I need some space, let me just reply to him later.” I don’t like when people suddenly ignore me for no reason, so I do my best not to do it to others, which is why I’m replying now, but it’s never “for no reason” -I just don’t usually get to find the reasons out when it happens to me personally.
Red flag number one was that you said you’d messaged me before. It’s rare I don’t reply to a message unless I have a real reason…
Then you said something about how you thought I’d make a good girlfriend, and that felt really fast.
It was kind of weird how you were asking what I found attractive in a guy, which added to it, but I wasn’t going to let it get to me…
Then you said you found me so attractive or something, after we agreed we would meet…You’re just going off of my pictures on here -that’s not a sincere compliment to me unless you see me in person so I’ve always hated getting those kinds of messages on here, and between that and you going to my profile every 10 minutes, as someone female I have to let you know it makes me imagine you’re jerking off to my pictures and I find it really creepy.
Then there’s that you text me right away in the same day when I figured we could meet up some time soon, not that very second…Followed by a bunch of messages here telling me you texted me and then just cursing me out?…
You know what, you’re probably a nice, normal dude. Thank you for the compliment(s.) I bet you meant well…But honestly you just came on way too strong, way too fast for me, even just by those few simple actions & words. I’m sorry, I just wound up really turned off by all of this & I was going to give you a chance to cool off and see if you calmed down, but you didn’t. I hope you find what you’re looking for on this site. I do wish you luck and I didn’t mean to offend you if I have.
Obsessive Random Guy: then don’t send over 30 messages to me, give me your number, then simply completely ignore me with no explanation…if you weren’t interested just say it…seriously think about it
good luck bye
Obsessive Random Guy: you’re a sociopath wow… jerking off to your pictures?!?!?..I was reading your profile because I was enjoying it and it is long…..you have some serious issues.
[I didn’t literally think “Omg, he’s jerking off to my pictures!” but it just was just along the lines of finding it creepy he kept going to my profile and then messaging me about my appearance. And seriously, if you need to go back to my page every 10 minutes for two days to read my dating profile, I think you need to work on your literary skills. -And do you see how he says bye and then messages me again!?]
Myself: You sound like you need some more experience in dating, at least when it comes to it through these sites. I messaged you because I had an interest until you freaked me out. It’s been hours since I didn’t reply to you, that’s not completely ignoring someone with no explanation. I have waited a day or more for a reply from some guys, sometimes. From the way you’re overreacting in these messages, I highly doubt we would have been a good match. Nothing I’ve expressed in the above, suggests I have any issues, but rather that you do come off as much clingy than I’m comfortable with. My comment was a combination of you saying how attracted to me you were and the amount of times you were going to my profile. You were/are acting very similar to someone I once met from here who was too clingy, and I’d rather not repeat that. I sincerely do wish you luck on here, although you’ve continued to be rude to me at this time. I’m sorry you were so angered & upset by this.
Obsessive Random Guy: dude it’s a dating site you don’t have to take it so seriously…we had good conversation regardless…I’m sorry you’re so jaded and think every little thing comes off as creepy…I’m not angered at all just surprised at the way you’re reacting to something so ridiculous as me texting you hours later after you gave me your number. You need to really chill out and take a look at the situation as a whole…
and so what I gave you a compliment? Big deal…to me there is nothing wrong with my approach…Plenty of women would appreciate my consideration and giving a shit about their thoughts and feelings.
[Why doesn’t he get that it was the amount of times he texted and messaged me, not that he’d texted me a few hours after we first spoke?]
Myself: Yeah…Right.. *I* shouldn’t take it so seriously…Yes, that is good advice…*I* should “chill out”…Well, glad to hear you’re not angered or upset and that you just always speak this way..apparently. It’s pretty clear, we’re obviously not right for each other. Hope you find someone for you.
[Because he didn’t sound angry at all, right? I asked him to calm down, so he told me to calm down. Obsessively messaging me and stalking my dating profile isn’t exactly just finding “every little thing” creepy. And yeah, if there is nothing wrong with his approach, why is he messaging someone who ignored him the first time?…]
Bad Date Averted.
Random Guy: Hello! Didn’t we talk a while back? I apologize if I didn’t message you back, I kinda got frustrated with this site and haven’t been on much recently. Anyway, I would love to get together sometime!
Myself: ..That was a year ago……
I guess if you don’t receive a reply on a message you send out on a dating site, just give it a year or so! On a rare occasion I’ve gotten a reply on a message I assumed would stay ignored, a few weeks later. There was one girl who replied a few months later…But 11 months later?! I looked back in my inbox and it appears our conversation stopped at my last message asking which weekend he was free. His most recent picture wasn’t as attractive either, so I wasn’t really psyched when I received this message a few days ago. There goes my bit of shallowness coming out again.
Well, no romances were formed on my vacation. When I returned I shot the Canadian guy a text which went ignored. I guess a month is too long in-between a first and second date, and I will just have to find someone who thinks I’m worth waiting for and all that blah blah blah stuff. I have been exchanging messages with a few guys on dating sites recently that have potential at the moment, but seeing as how every date I’ve ever been on eventually wound up, I’m not getting my hopes up. No girls have messaged me lately (as usual) and I haven’t come across anyone I particularly felt compelled to message. I actually wasn’t planning on replying to any messages recently, as I’ve been trying to busy myself with the hunt for a new apartment, but when I discovered the messages I’d received were from men with attractive pictures, I decided it might be alright to meet someone new, seeing as it’s been a while now. I’m not sure if that completely qualifies as simply being shallow, but well of course if they sounded like completely ignorant jerks as well, I wouldn’t have bothered! Oh, and there was of course this lovely conversation I had on one site recently…
Random Guy: happy anniversary babe!!!!!!!
Myself: Message designed to desperately get a reply?
Random Guy: Look at your disgusting frail figure lick my asshole
Myself: Wow what male weirdos this site attracts! Good luck with whatever it is you’re doing on here, I suppose.
[I actually went to my profile, looked at each picture just to double check, thought “I don’t look frail, I look hot, that guy’s nuts!” before typing that reply.]
A Little Over A Week Ago:
A few days ago I got a message on one of the dating sites, from a guy who sounded totally okay. He didn’t have a profile that I was that excited about, but he looked alright, sounded nice enough, was around my age, and had a couple of things in common with me. I haven’t been on a date with a guy in about 6 months, or with anyone in a few months, so I was thinking it might be time to try out the whole dating thing again. Of course, the moment he mentioned a specific day to meet I stopped replying. I wasn’t even that excited because I still wanted to be on my break from guys, except the idea of someone rather than no one was starting to seem more appealing lately. Then I started thinking about all of the stresses of dating and how much I hate first dates. I quickly pictured how our night would go and just wanted to call the whole thing off. The next day I went back to my “someone better than no one” idea and gave him my number saying I’d probably be free later. After I didn’t hear from him, I made plans to meet up with some friends at a bar. As I was getting ready to go out, he texted me saying he was feeling under the weather and asked if we could meet the next weekend. I told him it wasn’t a problem and in my mind began picturing excuses I might text him to cancel again in a week. I wondered though, if his excuse for canceling was because he had just been feeling as jaded as I am about dating…
On Friday I guess I was back to thinking going on a date might be a good idea, so I decided to text the guy from the week before and let him know I’d be free Saturday. But, as soon as he suggested 7:30, I started thinking about backing out. I just kept thinking about how awful dating is, and the idea of a first date all over again sounded like the last thing I wanted to do. Then, I finalized the plans and went anyway. It went well! We got a drink and some appetizers, covered all the first date basic questions, and even got a little off topic and dared to break to the “rules” of what shouldn’t be mentioned. We laughed, interested each other, he kissed my cheek goodnight, and I believe I had a successful date. He texted me today and I realized what crappy timing it was to meet someone new. He’ll be away for the holidays, and then I’ll be on vacation, so the next time I’ll see him will be in a month from now. A lot could change in a month, but who knows maybe the timing will be just right when I’m back in the US starting my new year mid-January. Maybe he’ll play a role in a decent chunk of my life…Or maybe he’ll just be one nice first date I went out on and nothing more…Anyway, he seemed to fit all of my basic “qualifications” and physically looked like “my type” -or at least the type I tend to be attracted to time and time again, so I suppose there’s still some potential at this point. I’ll be referring to him as the Canadian, as that’s where he’s originally from and I don’t reveal any real names on here. I have dated another guy who was originally from Canada, but seeing that he’s married now and we haven’t spoken to each other in years, I figure he’s pretty much out of the picture and all confusion will be avoided.
This conversation occurred on one of the dating sites about a week ago…
Random Guy: Well based on your television and comedians list we have basically the same sense of humor. Louis CK is amazing.
Also, I’d love to see more mermaid pics of you.
[I’m in a costume in one of my profile pictures.]
Myself: Louis Ck’s great.
Yeah, whenever people mention that picture I find it kind of creepy…Like more of my skin is showing in it than in my other pictures…Or were you actually interested in the entire costume which can’t even be seen in the picture? I actually spent about 12 hours making the costume. It was my first time sewing -it’s actually made of 2 or 3 scarves I got at a 99 cents store. But no one would know that from the picture.
Random Guy: Aw, I’m sorry if that was creepy. It’s not that more of your skin was showing, it’s that I’m really into animal girl costumes – mermaid fins, cat ears, wings, tails, etc. (of course that might be a creepy thing to say as well, pretty bad first impression)
Myself: uhh, yeah that’s definitely creepier.
Random Guy: Oh well, sorry I brought it up then.
So, any interest in getting coffee with me sometime?
Myself: meh…probably not really.
Random Guy: Understandable. Thanks for responding even after I was weird, good luck on here.
Myself: eh, that wasn’t so bad. I think everyone’s weird and weird is better, but you can’t start off with that initially because it signals the bad kind of weird, you know…But I make that mistake a lot, which is why I don’t mind so much.
It’s mostly that you’re a little younger than I’d prefer to date men.
Myself: Good luck to you too.
You remember this conversation, which was followed by this one? Well, it didn’t stop after that, but I’m finally starting to think that this will be the final part, as I’ve stopped replying…
Random Guy (4 Days After Calling Himself A Hipster): Guess you won’t date a hipster
Myself: Typically hipsters are not a style I find attractive, no.
Random Guy: I landed a date !
Random Guy: It took 2 weeks !
Myself: Good job, takes some people months or years at times.
Random Guy: She’s a Doctor thought not sure we have much in common
Random Guy: She’s so hot I don’t think she’ll be into me
Random Guy: Were gonna go to [EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT CENSORED]
Myself: Have a good time.
Random Guy: Thanks I’m so nervous ! Would you wanna meet up for dessert after as friends ?
Myself: No thank you.
Random Guy: Ok I just showed my buddy [NAME CENSORED] your profile from work he wants to know if you’d give him a shot but he’s not on here really awesome dude
Myself: No thanks
Random Guy: Ok thanks for being my mentor
Random Guy (6 Days Later On Thanksgiving): Wanna get turkey ?
I was going to reply, but…I didn’t? Who invites someone they’ve never met to have turkey on Thanksgiving? Wouldn’t they assume there was some big family dinner with turkey going on, or something? And how made up does his date sound? Isn’t that something they say girls want? “A guy who’s hot and a doctor.” And the whole going to some expensive restaurant for a first date is really not my scene, so if it was an attempt to make me jealous, he definitely further pushed me away. Did he really think after all the times I said I wasn’t interested he was somehow going to make me jealous of not dating him? I wonder if the friend he mentioned even existed or he was just going to meet me pretending to be someone else. Oh and the getting dessert after his date? Yeah, that’s normal. I hope he had fun on his imaginary date. Seriously, sometimes it’s clear why some people are single. Okay, I guess I do hope he actually had a date and it worked out because there is definitely someone out there equally odd as him and it would be nice for them to find each other. I don’t believe there’s someone for everyone in the soul mate sense, but I definitely think there is such a variety of people in the world, that there are good odds there is a combination which works out for nearly everyone to find someone they would be happy with. Though, as I am TiredOfDating, I’m not sure how likely I feel the odds of actually meeting one of those “good fit for you” people are.
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