A Few Notes

  • I get the feeling I am not going to see the last girl I went out on a date with again. I don’t really have strong reasoning, but sometimes I get a certain vibe about a situation and nearly all of the time I’m right.
  • I made plans with the flakey girl for Thursday, again. I’m planning on showing up and getting stood up. I’m still going because she answers text messages in such a strange way, I’ve become really curious about meeting her in person.
  • I am declaring it much harder to get a second date with a girl than it is with a guy. In the past, nearly every first date I went on with a guy, it was almost always up to me if there would be a second date. I wasn’t that crazy about any of the girls I met recently, but I don’t think they’d have gone out with me a second time if I was!
  • I haven’t received any messages on dating websites in two days (a record!)
  • If you pay attention to someone’s internet habits (log-in time, updates, etc.) you can often infer a lot.
  • I’m definitely tired of dating.
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Third First-Date With A Girl

Before The Date
I forgot to mention that a few days ago I got a reply from a girl who I’d messaged over a month ago on the dating site. She apologized for the delay in her response and we exchanged numbers shortly after. I get the feeling she’s the chatty type because I received 9 texts in a row from her in a 10 minute span before I could reply, while I was at work. I’m not sure what she actually sounds like, but as I read her texts the voice in my head was that of an over-excited teenage girl. You know, a lot of “omg lol new shoes” type-talk. None of that sounds like my type, I suppose, but she seems friendly and I figure she’s worth meeting anyway. From what I can tell on her profile, our opinions clash about drug use, and though it sounds like the difference in opinion would be problematic in a relationship, I figure it shouldn’t stop us from at least meeting once. With that said, last night we made reservations for brunch and I’m off to meet her now…

After The Date
So that went well, I think! She was just as enthusiastic in person as in her text-messages and hugged me hello. Now that I think about it, she also gave me the closest hug goodbye any of the girls I’ve gone out with have yet. I forgot to bring up our differing views on purpose because I didn’t want to ruin it so soon. The date was short because she had to go to work, but I think we’ll see each other again. It was pretty much your typical “Where are you from, what do you do, do you have any siblings, how about pets, what do your parents do, where did you go to school” first date, so I don’t have much else to comment on that. We have a few little things in common and I felt like she gave off a lot of positive energy. Good vibes from her today. Though she has two cats and a decent job/nice apartment, she wasn’t at all like the other date I went on with the law school girl who was obsessed with her little dog. I didn’t feel like she was talking down to me or anything. She seemed fun and cute…We’ll see. Either way that flakey girl from my post the other day has been texting me and we’ve made plans for Thursday yet again. (But who knows if they’ll actually happen.)

Back To The Bar Scene

In bed with a hangover, but the blog must go on! Last night I wound up with a group of friends at the lesbian bar I’d been to a couple of weeks ago and this time it was packed. I found it was a very different scene than my first visit, and with a few more drinks than the last time I didn’t have much trouble talking to anyone. Unfortunately, all of the girls I spoke to turned out to be straight and just there for friends or siblings I didn’t find very attractive. One woman tried to teach me how to dance and I did enjoy listening to a group of girls with an accent I really liked. Overall I had a good time, though I didn’t really get anywhere successful in my dating life…Except for one message I came home to in my dating site inbox:
“And would you be free to meet up for drinks on Thursday?”
It was from a girl who’d actually replied when I sent out another 10 messages a few days ago. I don’t know a lot about her, but I like the idea of meeting someone in person first to find out more. Thursday is the day the girl who texted me wanted to meet, and although we have a time, she never replied with a place so I’m not even sure that’s happening. I’m still keeping the possibility open so I asked if this girl was free a different day.

Smaller # Of Fish In The Sea Than I Thought

So, I’m pretty much back to where ever I was a week or so ago. Yesterday I texted the girl from my post “First First-Date With A Girl” asking her if she was still interested in coming by to watch a show we’d discussed. No reply. Last night I found out that she used to date my girl crush from my post “Tired Of Men, Time To Try Women?” who sparked my attempts at dating women. I’m pretty sure they even met through the same dating website. I’m not sure why, but I almost immediately lost any interest I’d had in her –though of course she has no idea about my discovery of this, or my crush on someone she’s dated. I’m pretty happy we never mentioned names of those we’d dated or had crushes on. I’m also glad I decided against inviting her to an event my original girl-crush would have been at. It’s funny actually- when we met, she expressed being put off by how small she felt the gay/bi community was for women on these sites and how everyone seems to know each other on them.
Today she sent me the following text:
“Hey sorry I took so long to get back to you; i got this when work was super hectic. It’d be fun to watch it but i’m kind of just starting to see someone so I do want to be straight up abt that. It was too early to say anything before and probably still too early but It seems better to be more upfront than not. Im sorry; i still feel really ill equipped when it comes to the dating scene.”
She was pretty surprised by how truly okay I was with this answer today. I suppose the timing of the news, my feelings on it, and the timing of her reply just sort of worked out for the best.
Moving on, last night I also got a text from an entirely new girl from the dating website. We haven’t spoken much, but we made plans to meet next week. Oh how my life suddenly sounds like some little soap opera story. (And these are just the parts I share with you!)

(Goldfish Bowl = Dating Website)

(Goldfish Bowl = Dating Website)

Where Does Love Go?

I was in a four year relationship at the end of my teens. He was many of my firsts including my first serious relationship. We shared the typical memories couples share at that age. That funny time when… That time he was so sweet when… The time that we almost… Then there was that one time… The ups, the downs. The closeness. Every new experience shared. And the drama after the break-up. And then one day I woke up and decided I was done with every one of these memories and that part of my past. I hid away every drop of it. Everything and anything that had even the slightest resemblance to him I put in a box at the bottom of my closet. I convinced myself that we had never shared these days together. I trained myself to believe that I had never met him. At first it was difficult. Of course I knew we’d met, but after some practice I’d somehow convinced my brain that it had never happened. I’d force new thoughts into my mind whenever it would stray towards him. Eventually some sort of default setting took over where my conscious mind no longer experienced thoughts about him because every incoming thought would be immediately replaced with another. I had truly conditioned myself to believe he’d never been a part of my life. Over time it became easier and more natural. I’d really wiped my mind clean of every bit, right down to nearly every digit of his phone number. Think Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I’d erased him. I couldn’t remember a single moment we’d ever spent together.

Some years later, when I was over him, all I was left with was this vague idea of once dating him with a complete blur of every detail. I opened the box. For the first time in probably about 5 years, I opened the box at the bottom of my closet with every love letter, photograph, ticket stub, shirt, charm, and trinket that related to him. Something eerie happened. I still had no recollection of any of the relationship. Here there was proof that I could hold in my hands, but it might as well have been someone else’s past. Paragraphs that he’d written, that I knew I had read each night years ago and had once felt a strong connection to each word, now held no relevance. Pictures of us at places I couldn’t remember being at. A Valentines’ Day card I just stared at, blankly. I knew I’d felt immensely strong feelings at one point which tied to all of these things. I knew I had once deeply cared about this person. I knew I had tears shed for him and I knew I hadn’t just invented the whole ordeal. Yet, I didn’t feel a single thing. I picked up his shirt and held it to my face. They say scent is a strong trigger for memory. Nothing. I looked at pictures of myself next to him, smiling, happy, I felt nothing. I read his words “You’re my first love and you always will be” scribbled across the paper and I felt nothing. All I could think about was how strange it was something that had once had such a tremendous hold over me could now not exist at all. Something that had clearly once meant the world to him, which he’d expressed through countless little notes, was nothing more than bits of ink on paper now. I sat there between crumbling dried roses, a broken drumstick, a bracelet, photo albums, CDs, greeting cards, handwritten letters, and wondered what happens to love after it’s gone. Such a powerful emotion must hold so much energy. Energy doesn’t just disappear. Where had it gone? How was it that something which was once present so vividly, with such strength, could no longer exist at all? Why was I able to acknowledge a feeling once existed so easily, yet not be able to feel it in the least. After years of work to forget every detail, for the first time I missed my memories.

A few days later, I wanted to confirm it. After years of cutting off all contact, hiding my eyes from all photographs, even preventing his name from passing through my lips and ears, I dialed his number from an old address book I’d kept. “Hi, this is um…[MY NAME CENSORED] -We dated about five years ago?”…“Of course I remember who you are!” We met for a drink. And still, nothing. I felt no difference towards him than I might’ve any other acquaintance I’d met long ago. There was no anger. No spark. I was not hurt. I did not care for him any more than any other fellow human being. We in fact hardly had anything in common at all. Except an entire four years together, that had now somehow ceased to exist, even within the past. The love that had once lived and clearly been expressed between us had vanished entirely. And I still wondered what had happened to it and where it had gone. In a silly and corny kind of way, I sometimes look at the stars and wonder if any energy related to any of the things I’d ever felt had somehow floated up, out, and away, and was now nestled some place in-between the vast emptiness, planets, and stars. Yes, maybe that’s where the love we’d created had gone. Maybe that’s where my memories were preserved. Meshed in with every other bit of energy that had ever escaped every other creature.
love-is-gone-copia1

Crappy Dates From The Internet

I don’t really have anything new to report, so I’ll just tell you about two crappy dates I went on a few years ago…

After talking to a guy on a dating website for a while, we decided to meet. He was one of the first people I’d met from the creepy land of the internet, so I made sure we were in some open space with a lot of people. What I should have done was planned out what we were going to do a little better. Once we met, he suggested the movies and that’s something people do on a date, right? So, off we went, to the movies, on a first date. Not just a first date, the first time meeting in person. Why is this an awful idea? Well, unless you’re planning on just hooking up and don’t give a shit about getting to know them as a person, you’re really not going to accomplish much by silently sitting next to them for two hours, in a dark place, while you’re paying attention to something else. This thought did cross my mind, but what did I know back then. We walked to the nearest theater and guess what the only movie playing at that time was? A stupid horror movie neither of us had any interest in seeing. Oh, that’s even better. Now we’re going to be sitting together in the dark for two hours watching something we don’t even want to be paying attention to. But did I know how to back out of things back then? Of course not. So, into the theater we went. About ten seconds into the opening credits he pretty much just leaned over and shoved his tongue down my throat –At least I was smart enough to stand my ground when it went that far, so I put my hand on his chest and pushed him pretty hard, back down into his seat. “I don’t want to kiss you,” I said. He nodded and replied, “Okay.” “We’re just going to sit here and silently watch this awful movie instead,” I thought. –And we did. We didn’t acknowledge each other again throughout the entire movie. He probably felt like an ass that entire time. The movie was pretty much as bad as we anticipated it to be. –But I mean, I guess that was the theme of our date, anyway. I haven’t seen him since that day. Was that last sentence necessary?

The other crappy date I went on was only about a year ago. I really shouldn’t have gone on it. It was a bad idea before I even knew who the date was going to be with. My ex thought that I’d be more content about our recent breakup if I went on a date with someone new. So, under the recommendation of a guy I still had feelings for, I turned to a dating website. I logged in and decided to click on the profile of the first guy who came up on it. Did I take the time to exchange a few messages with him first? Of course not, I just needed to go out on a date with someone else, who I was sure I wouldn’t care about in the least –What did it matter who they were? Great plan, huh? The entire conversation pretty much went, “Hi want to meet?, Sure –How about this place and time?, Sounds good –Here’s my number & what’s yours?” This story ends up being a case of the deceiving profile picture. When we met I immediately knew I didn’t find him attractive at all. Now, I’m generally not a shallow person, but it’s pretty hard to be with someone romantically if you don’t have any physical attraction to them. I mean, someone can go from okay-looking to amazing as you get to know them (or get more unattractive if they turn out to have a crappy personality) because physical appearance isn’t everything in my opinion –But if they’re not even at that level in your eyes from the start, it’s going to be pretty tough. Now, by no means was he hideous –I guess I’ll just put it politely and say he wasn’t my type. I remember as I saw him standing in our meeting place a little voice saying, “Oh noooo!” was going through my head, but I thought I’d stick it out. So, we walked to a nearby bar/café kind of place. He got a beer and I got a grilled cheese. We started talking and he seemed like an okay guy, but I wasn’t feeling it. I kept thinking about how it was forced and wrong of me to be there. So, I blurted out that I didn’t want it to be a date. I told him that I had feelings for my ex and that I couldn’t be on a date at that moment. Whenever a guy seems nice I always think “why can’t we just be friends, though?” -but it never translates properly when you give them this proposal. The entire date couldn’t have lasted more than 30 minutes. When we asked for the check the waitress raised her eyebrows, “Oh, this thing here is already done, is it?” We paid for ourselves and headed our separate ways. Such a lame story. But I now I know I’ll never again meet someone without scrutinizing their pictures and exchanging a few more messages first.

(*There are)

(*There are)