Continued from previous post…
One of the biggest things hanging over the idea of starting some sort of relationship with Green Eyes was the fear that “meh” kiss from the second date, and intimate activities we’d taken part in thus far were an indicator of all future physical involvement. So, when my hook-up buddy texted me that he was free, I thought it might be a good idea to end the 6 month long break since the last time I’d seen him. I hesitated. Something about it just felt wrong, but that lead me to a) Green Eyes is dating other women, b) What if I wind up dating Green Eyes for a while, we’re never intimately compatible, and this is going to be the last time I experience anything like this for a while?, and c) Having never cheated on someone, there’s something about it feeling wrong that makes me want to. So, it was a Wednesday night when I decided to catch up with my hook-up buddy. I decided that I wouldn’t mention it to Green Eyes, but I wouldn’t lie if asked directly, and because we were certainly not in any exclusive situation, I had nothing to feel guilty about.
I made plans to see Green Eyes that weekend. That Friday, because I had plans the rest of the weekend. So, for our fourth date I caught the end of a birthday party for his roommate and then we headed off to our own low-key falafel dinner. We talked, we laughed, it was going well, and we both seemed to think it was a good idea to head back to my place, even though I had to wake up somewhat early. One thing lead to another and before it lead to another in my bed, he asked when the last time I’d been with someone else was. I froze because –really, what are the odds he’d ask that, especially that day, especially at that moment. We’d discussed it a couple of weeks ago, but he must have forgotten. This is the point in time where I feel bad about being such an honest person. I don’t know why lying is so foreign to me. I don’t know why it doesn’t come naturally for me to lie. I don’t know why it doesn’t easily occur to me that lying is an option. I don’t know why I don’t know how to dodge the truth. I could have said “I don’t know.” I could have said “Too long.” I could have said anything but what I said. There was silence after his question as my mind raced, “It’s Friday night, do not say Wednesday night. Do not tell him it was Wednesday.” Too much time was passing, and I panicked over awkward silence and blurted out “recently” in an off-hand tone. His “uhhh,” followed by a nervous laugh and “okay…” made it pretty clear I hadn’t gone with the best answer.
All seemed forgotten when we spent the entire night talking. He’d ask me questions, I’d ask him questions, it seemed never ending as the morning came. Emotionally I started to feel closer to him, but I couldn’t let go of the realization that we had no sexual chemistry. I spent the morning trying to convince myself that it could change, but the fact remained that what he preferred I did not, and what I preferred he did not. The rest of the day he texted me little anecdotes about his day, and a link to a funny website he found. But when Saturday night rolled around he was quieter. I started to think I might be sounding overeager, so I decided to play hard to get. Days passed and we didn’t speak. I realized the playing hard to get game only works if the other person doesn’t have anyone else to get…The rest of the details aren’t so important. It became clear I was no longer his favorite person he was dating. The texts faded and then stopped. I think back to the conversation about how to break it off with someone. I’d asked him why I didn’t see him last weekend, to which he replied “I was kinda busy.” And without realizing I was taking a page from his book, leaving it up to the other person to reach out again, I told him to let me know the next time he’s not kinda busy. Now he was done with me.
I lay in bed next to my hook-up buddy on my birthday because he’d offered to give without receiving, and the only thing I’d gotten from Green Eyes was a two-word textmessage muddled in-between the same message from friends, and people who’s number I didn’t even have in my phone anymore. “But he was my ‘for now’ person! I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to do it all over again and again like this. Now I have to fully explain myself to someone else and completely learn about someone else again. I’ve done it so many times, I don’t want to over and over again, building to nothing. I just started to like him!”
So, that’s why I stopped writing about Green Eyes so abruptly. There just wasn’t any story to write about anymore.