Wrapping Up The Story Of The New Guy

I spent my business trip rather miserably. Every time I had to reach for a tissue I remembered why I had a cold and felt guilty all over again. “You threw away a potential relationship for a fling!” just repeated in my mind. But part of me didn’t regret it, either. I’d rally back how I was justified in my actions and perhaps my feelings for the new guy would return when I saw him again. Shortly after the week was up, he was asking me to come over and I agreed. I showered and got dressed pretty casually. I didn’t bother to do my makeup; I wasn’t going out and he’d seen me without it before. My doorbell rang. I opened the door and…disappointment. I felt nothing again. I wasn’t excited to see him. I wasn’t really attracted to him. I let him inside and we sat down on my bed, where I typically lounge. I was kind of cold to him at first. “How was the trip?” “Fine.” That sort of thing. I paused and decided to tell him everything. What did I have to lose at that point? My feelings were gone, I had to get it off my chest, and he deserved to know why my interest had suddenly changed. So, I told him everything. And I mean everything, back to when I met my foreign crush, through the details of my evening with him, along with the details about how I honestly felt about my intimate encounter with the new guy on his birthday, into how I felt on my business trip, and concluded with my current feelings. “Wow, you’re smiling and back to normal again. What a difference!” he responded when I’d finished. I hadn’t realized how much lighter I’d felt without holding that all inside.

Strangely, he didn’t take it that bad. Before I told him everything I’d asked him if he had been seeing anyone else. The inexperienced dater that he is, he asked if it was normal to share that sort of thing with someone you’re dating. I assured him it wasn’t at all, but I’d always been far from normal in my dating endeavors. He’d actually gone on a first date with someone from the dating app the night before. That had been why he’d turned down plans with me that evening. I’d kind of hoped he would come out with my friends for a casual birthday gathering they were having at a bar. I had hoped my friends opinions would help mold my own opinion of him. I desperately wanted to feel something for him again, just because it had felt like such a dizzyingly amazing experience I hadn’t had in so long, but forcing my feelings to return just didn’t seem to be possible. When I pushed him for details and found out he’d kissed this girl the night before I felt a flicker of jealousy. I hoped, perhaps I still had some attraction to him? But it turned out simply to be the idea of not being all that special anymore. He started to say he felt a little guilty and wondered if it was wrong to casually date two girls at once. No, no of course it wasn’t, not if you’d only just met them, and hadn’t agreed to be exclusive with either of them. So, then I let my story spill.

When all the cards were on the table, he asked to borrow my phone charger. This was when I remembered I’d put aside a bunch of promotional items from my company to give him. One of which was a portable phone charger. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I’d essentially just broken up with him, as I’d let him know I no longer had feelings for him in whatever kind of short-lived relationship this had been, but I saw no reason I shouldn’t give him the goody bag anymore. So, I handed over a tote bag with a portable phone charger, pens, measuring tape, and so on. He thanked me but then looked a little confused. “Is this like a consolation prize?” he asked. Yep, I’d just dumped someone and then given them a gift bag to take home. Smooth. Because that’s how awkward people do it.

We went out two more times after that. As “friends.” We got some food, some drinks, and returned to our separate apartments. Then, at a gradual pace, we spoke less and less frequently. Every day turned into every week and every week turned into “once in a while” and that turned into not always answering every message. His FaceBook page is still connected to mine, while his profile is now nothing more than a ghost reminder of the couple of weeks we had in the past. I haven’t matched with anyone on my dating apps in a few weeks, ‘nor come across any dating site profiles I felt like clicking on. I’ve been considering hitting the bar scene again, but haven’t found the right wing women yet. There’s love and there’s sex and it’s great when you have them both with the same person, but when you don’t have either, sometimes it’s nice to have one if not the other.

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3rd Time Meeting The New Guy

I spent most of the new guy’s birthday nervously awaiting seeing him that evening. I’ve always been bad at withholding information or being dishonest, but I also didn’t think someone I was dating would like to hear that I’d slept with someone else just under 24 hours before them on their birthday. It was all so out of character for me. I discussed the situation with a friend over instant messages. Their modified advice -after I insisted on having to say something was: “Tell him that you are interested in him, but that you wanted to have a fling with this guy who you’ll never see again. And then even if he doesn’t want to sleep with you today, I would almost guarantee that it won’t matter and there would still be the chance to see where it goes at another time. He can’t be upset that while you were single you hooked up with a guy from out of town whom you’ve known for far longer than him, and had plans to hang out with even before you knew him. You might have to explain it to him that way. But that’s the only way it is. He may be upset at first, and that’s because he’s jealous, but he should get over it.”

The new guy’s birthday plans with his family ran late. Like, close to midnight arrival at my place late, but since it was his birthday and I was leaving on a business trip, I felt like I should still see him. Waiting for a guy to come to my place late at night for the second night in a row was too weird for me. I was feeling awkward before he even arrived. I let him in my apartment and right away I knew I wasn’t excited about seeing him. This is awful, I thought. I continued to be awkward around him, and I knew I couldn’t say anything to him on his birthday. I gave him the card I’d made him and he seemed to appreciate the effort. I hadn’t had a big enough dinner, so I wasn’t in the best mood. When I mentioned it, he kept offering to go out to get something for me, but I couldn’t let him go out in the rain on his birthday just because I hadn’t eaten enough –and after the previous night I’d just had. Why was he so nice? Was he that into me? I felt worse. Though he put no pressure on me, I still felt like I should help him have a good birthday in whatever ways I could. So, since he wasn’t going back out we ended up sleeping together…sort of…no, we did…but it was just…well, that bad. I don’t entirely blame him, clearly there was a lot on my mind keeping me out of the mood, causing me to be so cold towards him in my awkwardness of the situation I’d created…But his lack of skills played a part as well. It seemed like he just said all the wrong things at the wrong time and suddenly became an incredibly awkward person himself. We stopped what was going on and lay there in the dark. He described worst-case-scenario and asked if it was that bad. It was, but I just couldn’t say it. I played down the level of “bad.” It also couldn’t help that this performance was being held up side-by-side with last night’s, just making it seem that much worse. I felt kind of awful. Did I mention that already? And he had no idea about half of it. We went to sleep.

The next morning I had to run a few errands and pack for my business trip. We said goodbye, nothing special, and I went about my day. I had the beginning symptoms of a cold. I knew why. I also felt sad. “Sad” is such a simple word, yet it really didn’t feel any more complex than that. I had hoped when I saw him my feelings would return, but ever since I’d rekindled my crush on the foreign guy, my feelings for him had vanished. In a breakup you miss the other person. In this, I just missed what I’d felt. I thought I’d go on this business trip and see if I missed him. See if I’d want to give him another shot after the night before. When I returned I’d tell him what happened…

“What A Difference A Day Makes…”

9/6/16:
My favorite movie touches upon theories of how time flows, and there’s a scene where they describe the start of a relationship as fast. I’ve always been able to relate to that. I meet people and I feel nothing again and again. They’re always nice on paper, no real flaws that I can find, but the connection just isn’t there. I’ll see them for a few times, giving it time. I start to like them sometimes, but it never develops past that. The few times I’ve fallen for someone it was fast. It was a rush of a sudden overwhelming amount of…liking them. I can’t say “love.” I don’t believe one falls in love that fast with someone they hardly know, but when I like someone, when I really like someone, I’m excited and it’s a complete rush. My brain obsesses at the beginning. It’s like an explosion of sudden emotion shortly after meeting them and it’s hard to quit. It fades some overtime, it settles, it might disappear, or just calm down, but the beginning is always a rush, and that’s where I am. Saturday I had nothing. Saturday I was still lonely. Saturday I was debating stringing along some mediocre dates just to have someone. Sunday everything was different. I spent Sunday, Monday, and this morning in a wave of excitement. I went to sleep after midnight and I woke up at 4am filled with anticipation. I’ve been anxious and excited because I can’t get him off my mind and I want to see him again. I’m trying to fight it. I’m telling myself to slow down or I’ll burn off this feeling too quickly. I’ll overdo it and tire too fast. But no matter how much I try to relax, I can’t switch it off.

It’s funny, as lonely as I was at times, and as much as I knew there couldn’t be any real future with someone who lived as far away as my foreign crush, I half hoped I wouldn’t wind up falling for anyone until he visited my city, and now just four days before he’s here, the urge to see him disappeared. What timing. I feel oddly guilty about seeing him. I’ve only half mentioned it to the guy I just met. It’s silly of course. We’re not in anything serious. I don’t know where this will go. I’ve only known him for two days. Two days! But I don’t want to date anyone else right now. I don’t want to keep my options open. I want to see what happens with him. I hope something happens with him where this just works out. I did like my foreign crush, but the bubble popped when I looked at that situation realistically. This cloud of doubt has always been above my crush on him and I knew my crush was more about fun and a temporary attraction. I haven’t felt this crazy about someone in…well, about four years. Since my last real relationship. And it’s scary because this is so new and it might all fall apart so quickly, still. I’m nervous about falling from where I’ve flown to in this now. I’m in my head, dizzy, spinning with so much hope and so many ideas of what could be. My mind’s already raced to the extremes: what if this lasts, what if I never date again after him, what if this continues, and he keeps feeling the same way about me too, how do I feel about his last name, what if we had children, what if we stay happy together for many years, will I get along with his friends, will we have a healthy relationship, we could go here and there together, if I still do that big vacation in a year I’ll miss him if he’s still in the picture, and so on and so on…

I woke up on Monday after meeting him ready to go on a hike with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, but hours passed and my friend didn’t answer my phone calls or my texts. Was my friend flaking out on me at the last minute?! I frowned at the time and although it felt too soon according to the usual “rules” to reach out to the guy I’d just been with ten hours earlier, I really wanted to see him again. Did he want to go on a hike with me instead? I texted him. He had made lunch plans already. I told him that was fine and not to worry about it, but he said my plan sounded much more awesome. “You can’t ditch your friend because I just got ditched, it wouldn’t be right,” I told him, as much as I hoped he would. He suddenly played down the lunch plans and told me to give him a minute. Fifteen minutes later he was headed over to my place and we were in the car headed to our hike. He cancelled plans for me, he liked me, and he couldn’t be upset with me over cancelling the plans because I’d already told him not to. I was excited. We were in the car for over an hour. I had intended to put some music on, but it wasn’t until we were already there that I’d realized we’d already spent the entire ride talking. He looks at me with this interested and curious smile when I say something that he likes. We started the hike. Sweaty and out of breath scrambling up some rocks we realized we’d gone a bit off the path. We looked around for the path and he paused. I knew he was going to kiss me, I anticipate it, and still I try to pretend as if he’d caught me off guard, except there’s this sort of energy in the air each time before he kisses me. Everything slows for a moment. And each time I’m left with the same smile. It’s comfortable with him. We got back on the path and continued on. I stopped to get a pebble out of my shoe, balancing on one foot. He came over to me and held my shoulders to steady me. I flashed back to a couple I’d been envious of on the train a week ago when the girl bent down to tie her shoe and the guy with her had held on to her to keep her from falling. How did I wind up in this position so quickly? We passed some other hikers and noticed something amusing. We made the same joke at the same time. How did everything come so easy with him?

I was exhausted on the car ride home. Drained, but content that he was still with me. I asked him for more details about his ex that he used to live with. I wanted to better understand his past and where he stood now. He told me about their breakup, their fights toward the end, and his theories on her behavior. Suddenly I felt sad picturing their relationship crumble and knowing the feeling all too well. I could already see what it would be like if it ever turned into anything more with us, and the horrible demise we’d one day face. I was quiet for a while. But we weren’t at that point now. I glanced at him and smiled. I invited him up to my place.

In my bedroom I described all the color I’d seen in his eyes and he laughed telling me I was very observant. We talked, listened to music, and I showed him a couple of songs he hadn’t heard after he’d expressed interest in the singer. He correctly guessed the meaning behind the title of one of my playlists. Soon all the songs that I’d been listening to over the last few years sounded like they were about him. Then he kissed me and our clothes started to come off. We paused so he could go to the bathroom, and when he came back I’d had a moment to think. I thought about what I would say. I didn’t want to tell him I liked him, so I decided to play it off as a lesser statement and just tell him that he was cool. “I always do this right away. But you’re cool, and so I was thinking maybe I’ll wait until the next time I see you.” Sure, it sounded silly, I sleep with those I’m not that into right away, but now when I like someone, I choose not to be with them? Only, I didn’t want to ruin what was going on. Maybe my feelings never properly developed for everyone else because it was too rushed. Maybe I’d ruin what had already begun. He told me that was alright and he was enjoying kissing me. I meant to say that I liked kissing him, but somehow, “I like you” came out, so I started talking really quickly, as if all of the new sentences would cover up what I’d said, but I was very aware of a flicker of a smile that had appeared on his face as I said it, moments later washed away with a look of confusion as I rattled on about other things. He liked that I liked him. Maybe he liked me too. Sure, it wasn’t so bad, “I love you” would’ve been a horrible thing to say, yet still on the second day of knowing someone, “I like you” still sounded too forward. But I do, I do like him. He said he hears about how great he is and “let’s wait” a lot. I wondered who said it to him last. I thought about what I’d said and hoped it didn’t sound like too much so early on, I wasn’t usually this sentimental, and I didn’t usually make such a big deal about this; It couldn’t be a big deal because it was a scary thought to acknowledge how I felt so soon. So I told him that he wasn’t that special. He nodded and said he knows. I think he knew what I meant. So, we kissed some more and lay together a little longer before he eventually went home.

We lingered by my front door. I’d be leaving on another business trip this weekend and we both had plans during the week. He said waiting to see me until after my trip sounded too far away. He asked if I was free Friday night –his birthday. Every time I start dating someone I always cross my fingers it isn’t around any holidays, our birthdays included, to avoid that awkward questioning of if you should get them anything so early on and if so –what. When he’d told me his birthday the day before I’d just assumed I wouldn’t see him because his family was visiting him, but now there were all types of pressure about that day. He smirked and I knew what he meant. I told him he should spend time with his family and friends, trying not to butt in as an important person in his life at this point of time, but he assured me his parents would be at their hotel by that hour and he had a picnic planned with his friends the following day (which I wasn’t really available for anyway.) I told him I couldn’t and he sarcastically joked, “Great, another year without birthday sex!” I was getting guilted in, but it wasn’t like I didn’t want to see him anyway. I told him maybe. And once again, as soon as he left, I couldn’t wait to see him again.

I sat at work the next day with a smile and a distant look on my face for most of the day. If I was in high school, I’d have probably been drawing little hearts around his name in my notebook. I thought about his birthday again. I decided I’d make him a card because I had a somewhat artistic side to me he’d already seemed to appreciate when he’d noticed my nail art. I worked on an intricate design for hours and then sketched out what I’d write inside on a post-it note for a while. I had to keep it simple and light, as I wouldn’t have even known him an entire week yet at that point. But I wanted it to say more than your standard “happy birthday.” I thought for a while about how to sign my name. I’d just write it. I couldn’t write the word “love” even though I might to friends. It was just too risky at this point. “From” was just too unfriendly. I couldn’t draw a heart because he might read it as “love.” X’s and O’s seemed too mushy. Maybe I had a sticker at home in my childhood sticker books of a silly face giving a kiss I could put in it…I considered all of this for a while. I’ve decided to see him on Friday, but I know so little about him I haven’t decided if I’ll include anything else in the card. What do I know about him? That he doesn’t like tomatoes and raisons? That he’s learning to play the banjo and sings in a chorus? How do I turn those things into a thoughtful present? Perhaps the card and my presence was enough. I couldn’t really do much or it would seem like too much for someone I’d just met, anyway.

I checked my phone every hour, writing down things I thought about texting him. I couldn’t come on too strong after seeing him for so long two days in a row. This is day three of knowing him. I had to leave a gap for him to miss me. I worried someone else would sweep up some opportunity and it’d be over before it began, but I couldn’t give in. We needed at least 24 hours where I didn’t reach out to him. Maybe I’d allow myself to text him tomorrow. Maybe I wouldn’t. Then my foreign crush sent me a message that he was looking forward to visiting my city. It made me nervous. I’d spent close to nine months anticipating his visit, and all of a sudden the excitement had faded. Would I really see him the day before I met with The New Guy on his birthday? What if we wound up at my place after midnight, would I sleep with him on this guy’s birthday and then jump back to this guy the next evening? It didn’t sound like me at all, I thought, and then I got a text from The Short Guy. He asked if I’d seen his acknowledgment to my drunken text from last week about hooking up with him. So there was that loose end too. I didn’t think twice about cutting ties with that one. I told that I’d just met someone I wanted to see where things went with. He wished me luck and said he still wouldn’t mind seeing me either, though. I kind of laughed to myself. I certainly can’t feel very undesirable at this point in time.

The Single Life

allthequestions
When you see this^ pop up on your OkCupid account it’s like when you’re grandma impatiently taunts you, “well?” during a conversation of your relatives husbands/children. It’s like that sinking feeling you get when yet another engagement/wedding/birth announcement pops up on your FaceBook newsfeed. You know, the ones you quickly scroll by, maybe “accidentally” not clicking “like” as you move onto the next post. It’s not true, though. Of the 2,776 questions that you can currently answer on OkCupid, I skipped a bunch and I’ve *only* answered about half of them over the years. My birthday is getting closer. This is the first year it hit me that this means I’m getting closer to turning 30. This birthday also means I’ve been single for nearly 4 years now. I sat in a bar with some coworkers in their 30’s the other night. Some are married, some in relationships, and some single. I asked them to reassure me that being in your 30’s isn’t so bad compared to your 20’s. That there are things to look forward to in your 30’s. I got a lot of “uhh.” One guy told me “Well, in your 20’s you go into everything more. You love harder, you fight harder, you-” but he got off when a coworker in their early to mid-twenties laughed, “I like that you said ‘you love harder’ first” and the conversation moved on.

It feels like the older I get the less options there are. The less people in my age-range not already spoken for. The less time to decide if I want to have children. The less time to do things I have the energy to do with someone else. The less time to enjoy being in a relationship with someone else and decide if we should get married or have children. The less time to look youthfully attractive. And well, just less time in general for anything, if I were to live into old age. There is plenty I enjoy about being single, especially being an introvert and needing time on my own to recharge and all. There are a lot of things I’d miss. There are moments of heartbreak I can remember that at that time I’d tell you weren’t worth feeling for having loved. But after a while all of that fades and maybe it’s just due to human nature and chemicals and impulses in ones brain that bring back the craving of ditching single life, but I’m back to being dissatisfied with my love life, and I’ve grown extra picky from my experiences.

My update on single life? I went to some museums and zoos on my own because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to do those kinds of things. I did my makeup thinking, “Maybe I’ll bump into someone on the train and some Hollywood-type love story will ensue.” It didn’t. Upon arriving at my destination I promptly realized everyone else is either with their significant other or their children and every turn I just kept hearing this whisper, “You’re single, huh?” …I’m also going through a jar of pickles a week. (Lack Of Dates = Lack Of Reasons To Avoid Bad Breath.) …I’ve given my number to two guys from various dating sites/apps recently. I knew very little about one of them, so without high expectations of potential, the lack of motivation caused me to sort of flake out on him. The other guy started up one of those really out-there and silly kind of conversations with me, so I played along without having anything better to do. He tells a lot of dry jokes. I thought I could put up with it until he uploaded a new photo and this conversation followed a few days later while I was out with some coworkers for happy hour…
Myself: “What’s today?!”
Coworker: “Thursday”
Myself: “Oh.”
Coworker: “Why?”
Myself: “I was sort of supposed to go on a date at 6pm.”
Coworker: “What?! You’re standing him up?!”
Myself: “No, no. We didn’t set a place, so it doesn’t count. I wouldn’t stand someone up.”
Coworker: “He’s probably waiting somewhere with flowers!”
Myself: “Waiting where?! We didn’t have a place. He would have checked in by now if the plans were still on, and I didn’t check in because I kind of lost interest.”
Coworker: “Then why were you going to meet him in the first place?”
Myself: “Well, I agreed to before he put up a new picture and I saw he had a gap between his teeth and-“
Coworker: “You’re so shallow!”
Myself: “No, I know. It is shallow. But I can’t help it, I just wasn’t really attracted to him anymore. I mean on some people that’s fine, but in the picture it just wasn’t on him and-“
Coworker: “So shallow.”
Myself: “It is but he also told bad jokes which didn’t help and if I’m not attracted to him, I’m not and how’s that supposed to work?!”
Coworker: “So why were you going to meet him?”
Myself: “I don’t know, to see what he’s like, maybe I’d be swayed another way. I don’t know him in person so I figured I’d give it a shot.”
…But I didn’t, and I guess he didn’t really mind either.

July Update After Skipping June Dating

This is basically a journal entry, but maybe you can relate to some of it…
I was recently asked if I’d been updating this blog. I explained that I’d let too many friends know about its’ existence and felt knowing certain eyes could be on it would alter or limit my writing. Maybe enough time has passed that I feel like enough people forgot about it again. That’s only half of it. I haven’t been dating either. The title of this blog really holds true. I stopped dating the last person I was seeing because I felt like seeing him once a week took too much time away from my hobbies and alone-time. Granted, I wasn’t that interested in him to begin with, but it’s nice to be content with single life. Only then, scrolling through FaceBook I start to think I’m supposed to be married or have children by now. Being single at this age starts to feel like you’re singled-out. I’m well aware that I only feel this way seeing friends’ photos and comparing myself to the way they portray their own lives on FaceBook, and that it’s causing me to think I’m “supposed” to do this or that, but regardless, that feeling comes over me every now and then. It causes me to make a lame attempt at redoing my online dating profile and skim through profiles for five minutes. That usually results in sighing, “I’m going to die alone” and closing the web browser. That has been the extent of my dating life, lately. If you’d even consider it one. I’m not even into kids. I see them on the train, pulling on their parents, screaming, bumping into me without an understanding of personal space, and I’m always convinced it’s not the life altering event I’d like to experience. So, I bounce back and forth between that reality and the fantasy world of FaceBook’s pressure and eventually find myself sitting home in my underwear on a three day weekend sipping wine by myself…and writing this.

I still read the messages that come through my dating site inbox, only I answer them out loud. “Hi, how’s your week going?” gets “Great, without you in it.” “Hey, want to grab a drink?” gets “Not with you.” “You’re really hot!” gets “You’re not.” These are all messages from men. Not a single woman ever messages me or replies to my messages. I’m starting to give up on the idea that I’ll ever be in any type of serious relationship with a woman. It’s not that it was “just some phase” like some of my friends called it. As I’ve put it, women just don’t like me, it doesn’t matter if I like them. I know that’s kind of presumptuous but I don’t know what else to make of it. At gay bars I haven’t come up with great answers to a lot of specific questions about my sexual preferences, ‘nor am I into lying. I started dating women when I realized I didn’t have to be boxed into the “straight” category if I was sexually attracted to some women, yet it seems that everyone else in the world still likes to box everyone they meet into some category. Most of them don’t take the idea of being attracted to both sexes seriously, either. And, being a virgin (with women) at this age is a huge turn off which I can’t seem to find a way around yet. It’s sort of like when you’re trying to get your first credit card and they tell you that you need to build a credit history to get one, but you need a credit card to build a credit history. Or when you try to get your first job but every job will only hire you if you’ve got experience at a previous job. But, I do have a credit card and a job now.

Going Forward

We are constantly on a forward path. (Putting theories of the flow of time and quantum physics aside for a moment.) Whether you have faith in a guided/planned path or believe random coincidences are just occurring, the connections between them which lead one event to the next remain undeniable. Do you ever trace them back to each other? How did you get to this very moment, right now? How did you reach this crappy, awful point in time, this incredibly blissful place, or this nothing out of the ordinary period? One event leading to the next and to the next. One meeting of one person pushing you towards another. One idea following action after action. I like the TV show “How I Met Your Mother” for this. You may have your opinion about the characters, or individual episodes, but the underlying idea of the series holds true within everyone’s lives. The real story of how you met someone isn’t “at a party,” “at a bar,” “on a website,” or “on a vacation” –There is an entire background of events leading up to your presence at that party, bar, website, or vacation (etc.) and it probably goes back even further than you ever thought about. Do you ever trace back the large milestones in your life and connect the moments which brought you to that point? Do you ever look back at all the links in-between? You wouldn’t be wherever you are if even one thing was just slightly different in that path you took. To the failed relationships which twisted you in one direction or another. The awful dates which helped you out of a rut you’d have never dreamed was related. I could say one of my first retail jobs caused me to fall in love with someone I wouldn’t meet until 6 years later, but that’s of course only through a long list of events which lead from one to the next, to the next, and so on. It’s the little ties in-between each event that bring you to the next. This relates to things getter better when they’re bad or worse when they’re great. Things are never really bad or good –It’s your particular point of view as they happen which deems them one or another. When awful news strikes of your ex finding someone new, it’s a highpoint in their life. When you get a promotion, it’s a low point for someone else seeking the position. In the bigger picture, events happen. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to bad people. Neither are good or bad, they just are. We label them as we see fit. We label them as we see fit in our lives, in our opinions, from our perspectives, and on our planet. We never question events comparing them to the universe around us, the planets and the stars. (Putting astrology aside if that’s something you believe in.) We sulk when things don’t go well for us, we stress over difficult moments, and we rejoice when we get what we wanted. There is nothing wrong with the emotions, but with pegging them and the events as final settling points. They’re all merely passing moments leading to the next. Marriages, divorces, cities, friends, jobs, break-ups, personal accomplishments, loss, wealth, love, and so on –cannot be thought of say-all end-points.

We are all in a constant state of change. It’s a constant pull of relationships failing, jobs changing, financial situations crumbling or stabilizing, purchases, routes we take home, things we read, and people we interact with at any given moment –All which lead us up to the exact moment we’re in. If the bad days direct you towards the good days, should we still consider them bad days? We are all connected whether we’d like to think of it that way or not. Tiny connections spread out and across vast distances all working together with the slightest of impact on one another, expanding out and out at all times, bringing each other towards each other, pushing each other away, and leading ourselves this way and that. If you believe in fate/destiny then that is the end all workup we’re getting to. If you don’t, then it’s random, but still a point in time with events causing that very moment. All too often we’re focusing on the immediate. All too often we’re holding onto what was when it was amazing, and forgetting what hurt us. It’s never about the lead up. It’s never about the next big thing we can’t yet see. It’s always about what we lost now and not what it means we’re about to find. There is no complete. There is no perfect. There is no settled and done. Everything about our lives is on-going. You never finish. There is no one to race against. You can’t meet someone who has their career, husband/wife, children, car, house, and everything they worked to get, who is finished, completely stable, content, and completed their life. It doesn’t exist because there will always be a change in one of those things. There will always be something else to strive for. There will always be a next thing. The way you perceive a person, is not usually the same way that person perceives their life. There are people that are happy. There are people that don’t want a thing. There are people that are happy with what they have. But not one of them is happy because they’ve completed their life. They have accepted what is. There is always something next. There is always something else, someone else, somewhere else. While alive, there is something else. That’s what life is. It’s the events that keep on coming. The “bad,” the “good,” and everything in-between, they’re just markers, just launch points for what’s next to come. Lives are ever changing and ever connected to the events which unfold within them. Event to event to event to event to an unknown destination and it isn’t about a single one of those events or a single person in them. It’s simply the ride in-between them. We need to stop trying to complete our lives and live them instead. You can’t miss what you’ve lost because it was only an emotion-filled event to get you to the next. There are times it will lack what you want it to and times where you will have everything you want in its’ place. Neither of these periods will be permanent, but they will lead you to who/where/what is next. And half the time it will never be what you’d expect. It’s all about what’s next. It’s all about going forward towards whatever there may be.

“A lot of people seem to have some kind of internal to do list. They have this compelling need to get things done, but it’s hard. When you finish one thing, it usually means it’s time to move onto the next item on the list. The list never quite gets done. We’re forever in a state of unfinished-ness.”
“If you stand too close to a painting, all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can’t see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective.”
-Television Show: “Dead Like Me”

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
-Helen Keller