Do I Still Date Women?…

I mentioned a guy I’d been speaking to from a dating site to my best friend. “Oh, so you’re over that thing with women?” she asked. No, it wasn’t a “phase” and I’m not “over” it. The reason I haven’t been mentioning many women lately is just because I’m having shitty luck with meeting any I’m interested in, or I seem to be as shitty of a prospective girlfriend to women as I seem to be to men lately…*sigh* If I saw an attractive girl that I could identify as being gay/bisexual or whatever else in-between, sure I’d pursue it, but my gaydar sucks. Even more limiting I find I’m usually only interested in feminine-looking women and being feminine-looking myself, I doubt most could pick me out either. *shrugs* And rejection sucks. There are a million reasons one could be rejected, mistaking someone’s sexual identity/orientation doesn’t need to be another one for me. So that mostly leaves me with gay bars and dating sites. When I go to a gay bar to meet someone it feels like I’m specifically choosing to meet women, which feels weird, when I’m clearly still interested in men as well. Every experience I’ve had at these bars was so aggressive. The women demand to know my sexual history with women within thirty seconds of introducing themselves to me and I’m not a great liar or half-truther. I get it, they don’t want someone who’s going to flake out on them and everyone judges a virgin (not that I’m such a virgin with men by any means.) But it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t wind up leaving with any of them, or their phone numbers. So then there are dating sites and I don’t get any messages from women, ‘nor any replies from the few messages I send out. Once in a while I’ll get a message from someone I’m very much not interested in and well that’s that. So in short, women just don’t like me, I guess, or at least I haven’t yet met an available one I like who does, while men I have some interest in do continue to show interest in me.

I still notice attractive women. I always have. I don’t say much about it because I don’t say much about it when I notice an attractive man either. I had a mini crush on a girl I met a couple of weeks ago, but I’m pretty sure she’s straight and I don’t know her that well. So, once again I didn’t mention it to anyone. She was just pretty cool and pretty fun to talk to and pretty…There, does that satisfy you, those who want to believe it was just a phase? There wasn’t anything more than that to make of it, so I didn’t. I spent over twenty years of my life not realizing I had an option to date women and ignoring the occasional crush. It’s too bad I didn’t collect a bunch of experiences in my youth to justify my admittance to being open to it now. Maybe then people wouldn’t see my mentioning of it as such a novelty. There was somewhat of an exciting aspect to it at first, just like any new discovery, but it wasn’t just a novelty thing. A friend said they could find someone to hook-up with me, but I didn’t want a one night stand, ’nor to be some couple’s fantasy in a threesome. Of course I have an interest in something I’d never experienced before, but it’s not a one-and-done deal. It was just another option in dating. It’s only to other people that it’s such a big deal. It never was to me. I never “came out.” I never felt the need to discuss it with others. I certainly never felt the need to create a new label for myself. Labeling myself as “straight” for all these years is what convinced me I had to adhere to the label and that there wasn’t any room to be anything but that. I don’t do those labels anymore. I’m lucky to have as many non-judgmental family members and friends as I do, as I know many don’t, and this might be a bigger deal in their circles of acquaintances. For me, it isn’t, so I’m thankful for the ability to so easily be label-free now.

OkCupid has come out with so many labels and the ability to select up to five genders (woman, man, agender, androgynous, bigender, cis man, cis woman, genderfluid, genderqueer, gender nonconforming, hijra, intersex, non-binary, other, pangender, transfeminine, transgender, transmasculine, transsexual, trans man, trans woman, two spirit) and up to five orientations (straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, hetroflexible, homoflexible, lesbian, pansexual, queer, questioning, sapiosexual.) Now, it’s great for anyone who identifies with being any of those things because they can choose exactly what fits them, but when I look at that, I can’t possibly be the only one who just feels more confused about which label best fits them. I’ve yet to come across a profile that has selected five of each, but at a certain point isn’t it okay to just not label yourself at all? Where is the “none” option? For me, that long list of labels just feels so much more restricting. I guess some people like to feel included in a certain group, belong some place, and some people like to have a word that describes them perfectly. That’s okay. But, I personally do not wish to be boxed into any labels any more. I feel free to love and fuck whoever I please and others can label me as they see fit straight, bi, gay, hypocrite, questioning, queer, poser, lesbian, hetroflexible, or whatever else they feel fits. But I’m not calling myself anything but me these days. No, I’m not “above” it. I’m not “above” anyone who loves being labeled and who has worked hard to feel comfortable in their label or for equal rights for their label. I’m not better than or belittling anyone who has gone through any types of hardships to gain respect for their label. I applaud it and am fully for it. I just want to be respected just the same in my label-less-ness, is all. I’m not even feeling that this label-free thing is such an original idea, either. I know some people won’t understand this or agree with it, but who would anyone be if all they did was try to appease everyone else? And I don’t believe I’ve offended anyone, as I certainly didn’t mean to, but I know it can be a very touchy subject. I know, I see your posts on FaceBook everyone, you know who you are, not that you know who I am, but I’m 100% sorry in advance and will delete this entire section if you find it offensive some how. I’m not on this blog to start internet fights. There’s enough bullshit on the internet as it is and I don’t need to contribute to any of that viral “omg” nonsense. <3

So, I haven’t written about dating women very much on here recently. I might more often. I might once in a while. I might not. Hopefully no one is surprised either way. I’ve put more focus on the apps and websites I use for dating men because I’ve spent so much of my life dating them. It’s sort of like the low-hanging fruit of dating for me. It’s familiar and easier, though not necessarily better. It’s where I seem to have more luck. So until some cute female notices me, I see this male-trend continuing in my dating patterns for now. I don’t plan on this coming up again, but figured I should clarify for those wondering since this is my dating blog and all…

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July Update After Skipping June Dating

This is basically a journal entry, but maybe you can relate to some of it…
I was recently asked if I’d been updating this blog. I explained that I’d let too many friends know about its’ existence and felt knowing certain eyes could be on it would alter or limit my writing. Maybe enough time has passed that I feel like enough people forgot about it again. That’s only half of it. I haven’t been dating either. The title of this blog really holds true. I stopped dating the last person I was seeing because I felt like seeing him once a week took too much time away from my hobbies and alone-time. Granted, I wasn’t that interested in him to begin with, but it’s nice to be content with single life. Only then, scrolling through FaceBook I start to think I’m supposed to be married or have children by now. Being single at this age starts to feel like you’re singled-out. I’m well aware that I only feel this way seeing friends’ photos and comparing myself to the way they portray their own lives on FaceBook, and that it’s causing me to think I’m “supposed” to do this or that, but regardless, that feeling comes over me every now and then. It causes me to make a lame attempt at redoing my online dating profile and skim through profiles for five minutes. That usually results in sighing, “I’m going to die alone” and closing the web browser. That has been the extent of my dating life, lately. If you’d even consider it one. I’m not even into kids. I see them on the train, pulling on their parents, screaming, bumping into me without an understanding of personal space, and I’m always convinced it’s not the life altering event I’d like to experience. So, I bounce back and forth between that reality and the fantasy world of FaceBook’s pressure and eventually find myself sitting home in my underwear on a three day weekend sipping wine by myself…and writing this.

I still read the messages that come through my dating site inbox, only I answer them out loud. “Hi, how’s your week going?” gets “Great, without you in it.” “Hey, want to grab a drink?” gets “Not with you.” “You’re really hot!” gets “You’re not.” These are all messages from men. Not a single woman ever messages me or replies to my messages. I’m starting to give up on the idea that I’ll ever be in any type of serious relationship with a woman. It’s not that it was “just some phase” like some of my friends called it. As I’ve put it, women just don’t like me, it doesn’t matter if I like them. I know that’s kind of presumptuous but I don’t know what else to make of it. At gay bars I haven’t come up with great answers to a lot of specific questions about my sexual preferences, ‘nor am I into lying. I started dating women when I realized I didn’t have to be boxed into the “straight” category if I was sexually attracted to some women, yet it seems that everyone else in the world still likes to box everyone they meet into some category. Most of them don’t take the idea of being attracted to both sexes seriously, either. And, being a virgin (with women) at this age is a huge turn off which I can’t seem to find a way around yet. It’s sort of like when you’re trying to get your first credit card and they tell you that you need to build a credit history to get one, but you need a credit card to build a credit history. Or when you try to get your first job but every job will only hire you if you’ve got experience at a previous job. But, I do have a credit card and a job now.

Dating Blog Recap

For those of you just tuning in, I thought I’d do a recap in case my dating life picks up again. (Just being hopeful, you know.) I was tired of dating when I started this blog and that has not changed, as I continue to post post-worthy conversations from my dating website inboxes. Shortly after starting this blog, after dating guys my entire life (I’m in my 20’s), I decided to try dating girls around the middle of this past summer. The idea definitely surfaced after developing a crush on one particular girl. I honestly do still have a thing for her, but I’d rather not get into all of that right now. I made a post about it, still under the impression it wasn’t possible for me to like a girl when I’d always identified with being straight, but after admitting the way I felt, I finally saw it as an option and decided to take advantage of that option. Over the last couple of weeks I created a second dating profile to date girls and switched my original profile back from “bisexual” to “straight” to find guys. It makes all the difference as the only messages I was getting when it was set to “bisexual” were from couples looking for a third person, and guys nearly twice my age. I now use both profiles equally, but just this past week I’ve started sending initial messages out to guys again. (No replies, so far.) I had been taking a break from guys, and though I still am for the most part, I’m more open to the idea of dating them again. (Yes, currently having no dating kind of situation with anyone male or female made me expand my options.) Over the last few months I’ve gone on 4 first dates with girls, which went no where. And to keep track, here are some of the nicknames I’ve been throwing around in my posts…

Crazy Girl is a girl who I have not met but who sends me explicit messages which I do my best to reply to and is probably making up some of her stories.
Flakey Girl is a girl who I never met but used to text me all of the time asking me to hang out and then cancelling last minute. I haven’t heard from her in months. She also apparently knew someone growing up who I hung out with in my teens.
Crazy Dog Girl is the girl who said she was Catholic but wanted to raise her dog (who she calls her son) Jewish. We haven’t spoken since our one date.
Band Camp Girl is a girl who I haven’t met yet but was supposed to meet last week, until I asked her if we could switch it to sometime this weekend. We still don’t have any plans set in stone. All I know about her at the moment is that she plays the flute, hence her name. I haven’t really mentioned her before except for in this post.
Switzerland Girl is the girl who was on vacation in the US and we went out one night. I’ll probably never speak to her again, but that’s what I called her. My friend referred to her as “SwissMiss” but I kept confusing his questions with hot chocolate, so the name didn’t stick.

I don’t have nicknames for the other two girls I’ve recently been chatting with on and off, or any of the guys I’ve recently dated. You’ll find their stories throughout my posts, though. The next few months are going to be a little hectic as I’m taking a 2 week vacation out of the country, have been occasionally working a side job as a hobby on the weekend, and have been apartment hunting because I’ve decided it’s time for change, but I’ll do my best to keep updating this blog. My “love life” has also been pretty lame and non-existent as of recently, so I’m hoping to make it a little more exciting again. For other interesting posts I’ve written in the past, please see the “Top Posts” on the side bar of the main page, or feel free to browse through my older stories throughout the Recent Posts, Archives, and Categories.

Opinions Of Friends

This blog is anonymous, though a few of my friends know about it. I’ve felt comfortable and free to speak my mind for the most part here, though it’s odd I haven’t felt the same opportunities to be as open with my friends. The reaction from of my male friends to my interest in dating women has been positive for the most part. I think it’s just the popular appeal to many straight men of two women together that leaves them so accepting. My female friends haven’t had the same reaction. I get a lot of “Oh.”, “Alright then…”, or “Interesting” from them. I know that these words translate to something else and they reek of discomfort and uncertainty. I can tell my best friend wants to be happy for me with whoever I meet. I know she wants to be nice and listen to my stories. I know her word selection is her trying to the best of her ability, but it’s been extremely disappointing because I can’t help but see through it. Why does it make them feel so uncomfortable? Do they think I will suddenly be attracted to them? Do they really think that after all the years of me not feeling anything romantic towards them that will suddenly change because I realize I’m able to feel that way towards other women? Do they really think that they can’t relate to me anymore, after years of spending time together and sharing stories? Are they jealous in some twisted way? Do they see someone female as a threat to our friendship? Do they feel like they suddenly don’t know me as well as they thought they did and are questioning more about me as a person? Do they think it’s a joke and aren’t taking me seriously for it? Are they trying not to feed into it because I’ve already expressed that even I, myself, think it’s just a phase? I’ve always been pretty sure that none of my friends were homophobic, but they’re seriously causing me to question their opinions on this. I hadn’t seen it as a big deal because I’m still interested in men as well. Why does it seem to be such huge news to them? Perhaps it’s just sort of come as a surprise, so they haven’t had time to make up their opinion about it. Though, why should they have to think about it so much? I feel like I’m being treated as if I’m some sort of novelty when they share my story with friends who aren’t as close to us. I don’t mind so much if others know this about me, but if it’s being talked about just because it’s “weird” or “funny” –I’d really rather not just be the center of some gossip. I’m disappointed in my friends because I feel like if I end up in something serious with someone female, all of my friends will end up pretty distant from me.

First First-Date With A Girl

So, I’ve come a long way since my post “Tired Of Men, Time To Try Women?” and changing my dating website profile from “Straight” to “Bisexual.” After 25 unanswered messages to women, I finally got a reply and wound up asking if she was free this weekend. I was excited and nervous because it was my first time going out with a girl. We actually walked along the beach, getting to know each other and I thought “Did we really just have the ultimate cliché date with a long walk on the beach?” We got some drinks, some food, played a little skeeball (she’d never played it before), and some other silly arcade-type game. We turned in the tickets we’d won for a temporary tattoo and plastic lizard. We rode my favorite two rides at the park and then grabbed dinner in another neighborhood. We headed home after 7 hours together, so I have to say –it went pretty well. She was cute, nice, interesting, fun…She even reminded me a little of the girl I originally developed a crush on, which started this whole idea…We agreed it was awkward for a first meeting to be a date, so I’m not sure if it’ll end up as just a friends thing, but I’d like to see her again. I did learn something important from the experience even if I don’t: I can definitely see myself dating a girl, in the same way I’d date a guy and feel pretty comfortable with it. It’s opened up a world of options and although I’ll probably run into the same frustrations that I have dating men, it’s nice to have a little more selection of potential dates. The variety does add some interesting change to the whole dating game anyway.

I realized how many times I’d fallen victim to typical stereotyped gender roles that no longer existed when dating a girl. I’d generally waited for a guy to ask me out, rather than suggesting it to him. I’d see if the guy was going to pay for my meal/drinks rather than offering to chip in right away. I’d wonder if the guy was going to try to kiss me goodnight, rather than it being something I’d initiate or not. I’d see if the guy put his arm around me, reached for my hand, or put his hand on my leg. With men taken out of the equation, everything feels a lot more equal and also with some added pressure on myself when it comes to decision making. Yesterday’s date was a good experience if nothing else. I caught myself thinking, “Should have held the door for her that time”, “I should have paid for her lunch, I asked her out”, “I’m going to pay for her drink this time”, and all of the other little things I used to use as indicators with men of being on a date or not that would pass through my mind. But once I realized how unimportant all of those things had been all along, I could let go of some of the stress that I’d held wondering which one of us was supposed to jump in and take action. I was finally getting a little further away from the dating games I’d always despised. I felt like the focus wasn’t about who did what and just ended up being more about caring for the other person and looking out for them over yourself, which really should always be the case in any relationship. It didn’t matter what gender we were, we were just people. I felt free from the stereotypes of what men want and like, and it was just about what either of us wanted or not at that time. As someone who enjoys trying new things, yesterday was certainly an enjoyable experience.

First Female Message

Last night I got my first message from a girl on a dating website and I must say I was overly excited. (I mean my first “official” message, not counting couples/etc.) The message was extremely uninteresting and I’d have probably ignored it or given a silly reply if it came from anyone else…But after weeks of an inbox full of just men, there was no way I wasn’t going to give a friendly answer. I mean, it could’ve been worse –she said “Hi, how are you? How is your week going?” Okay, this kind of killed every creative word that may have been in me, I gave a boring answer, and await the non-stimulating conversation that will occur…But I suppose I’d still meet her if it came up. I guess I haven’t become too picky yet when it comes to girls because those interested in me seem so hard to find. She’s actually one of the original three girls I bookmarked way before I even considered changing my profile from “straight” to “bisexual.” I actually never messaged her because I wasn’t really thrilled with the way she answered some questions about honesty and some of her interests, but I figure someone might be different in person. I think she might have messaged me only because I accidentally clicked on her profile a bunch of times. She hasn’t replied since last night, so I sent messages to 22 new girls. I mean, at least one of them has to reply, right? So, I’m officially on a break from guys. The interest has been temporarily disabled and I’ve moved my focus to women for the time being. Well, except for this one guy who comes by sometimes while I’m single –But that story’s for an entirely different post ;-)

“Bisexual” On Dating Websites

Did you know that apparently a lot of couples are on dating websites looking for a third partner? -And apparently they often send messages to girls who have their profiles set to “Bisexual.” Did you know that if you’re a girl and you set your profile to “Bisexual” on a dating website you will get a lot more messages from guys who are close to twice your age and ignore the age range in which you’ve indicating you’re interested in dating. And did you know that girls hardly ever reply to messages on dating websites? Well, I have confirmed all of these things to be true over the last few days. I guess I’m not surprised, but I was just hoping to be. And so, dating websites continue to cause me to sigh as I sign into them. A friend suggested I try going to a lesbian bar. Why did this not occur to me sooner? I suppose I’ll make a post summarizing how that goes when I get a chance to head over there (probably within the next two weeks.)

I would feel more confident in taking my break from guys if only I felt there were any girls I’d like who’d also have interest in me. I can only really confirm two girl-crushes I’ve had and neither of them are available. I’ve also been feeling a little paranoid about how those who know me might perceive this in some sort of negative way. I know I’ve personally yelled an intoxicated “attention-whores!” at two straight girls who were making out at a bar so that guys would buy them more drinks (–Of course, only because I was aware my outburst would never be heard over the music blasting.) I just don’t want anyone else to think I’m trying to attract the interest of guys by doing this. It’s really just something for myself –and the more I think about it, I’m really surprised this idea never occurred to me sooner. I’ve always said I was bi-curious, interested in hooking up with a girl at some point in my life. I know I’d first decided that some time in my early teens. In the past, I’ve also tried to befriend coworkers of the same sex, because I thought they were attractive…I guess I never really considered taking it a step further and actually trying to date the same sex until now. To my surprise, I’m not the only one. I’ve actually come across a few girls dating profiles who have a similar story. Honestly, right now the idea of meeting an interesting girl is a lot more appealing than meeting an interesting guy. I do feel it’s just a phase, but definitely something I’m seriously pursing at the moment.
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