End Of July Updates

I did it. I just sent my first dating website message to a girl. I guess recently developing my second girl-crush pushed me to it. I have no idea as to what kind of reply I’m going to get, if any. It’s all such unfamiliar territory to me, but I guess my curiosity is winning over my nervousness at this point. I don’t even know what I want the result to be in this experiment. I think it’s more about the experience than the outcome now.

The guy asking me about circumcision from my previous post yesterday finally ended his questioning with some sort of “thank you for your time.” I’m now convinced I was just surveyed for someone’s research project. His final question asked why I never gave much thought to my preference in men being circumcised or not, and asked if it was because only 10% of men in the US aren’t and I’d never been with one. My reply was “Honestly, I really just don’t ever spend much time thinking about penis’s.” That was when the questions ended.

I also have an update from my 7/29 post about relationships on FaceBook: Remember the status update that prompted me to write the post? The same person made a new status update last night, continuing with the entire theme of my post that day. –If you haven’t already, please read “Relationships On FaceBook” to make sense of this…
“hey remember that shit I said 48 hours ago about my relationship ending amicably and whatnot? hahahhahaha oh how young and naive i was”
[Followed by commenting on their own status…]
“the next time you see me sink a half a year into something, if it ain’t a screenplay, punch me in the face. i’m fucking done with this shit”
[And another of their comments…]
“Actually, fuck this. I’m inheriting the dark mindset that caused to hurt me several times in the past 48 hours. I take back what i said. I’m not done with relationships in general, I’m just done with a relationship with her”
[This will be added to the original post as well.]

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Dating Website Conversations From The Last Week Of July

Okay, the most recent dating website message I received was from a guy who wanted to know my feelings on circumcision. Actually, it wasn’t x-rated, -He messaged me about studies done in the UK and the US and different findings when it comes to health. I told him I was aware some people were for it and some against the practice, but that I really wasn’t interested in having the debate with him. I guess that’s one way to start a conversation, though? He said that he didn’t want to have the debate either, but continued to question my opinion on it as if he was using me as a participant in some research project of his own. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all it was considering how many miles away in some other state he was. So, the strangeness of these sites continues. (And I do consider myself to be a contributor in the strangeness as well, of course.)

Then there are the guys that seem to mean well and be sincere but come off a little too over the top. Of course your first message should be interesting, but if you’re going to get this deep before I’ve said a word to you, it comes off as a little much. He wrote a long message about “connecting with mind and soul,” having “conversations that induce cathartic emotive transcendence,” and that I was the only one on this “portal” who matched his interests and that he found intriguing. I mean, finally someone sounds intelligent on here- But isn’t there some sort of in-between guy? He’s probably a good guy, but somehow just isn’t my type. He put effort into his message, but I guess sometimes one can still feel turned off -especially if there’s no physical attraction. I think it was the fact that he ended his message with a poem that made me most uncomfortable…
“But all the clock in the city began to whir and chime:
Oh let not time deceive you, you cannot conquer time.
In headaches and in worry vaguely life leaks away,
and time will have his fancy tomorrow or today.”

Then this conversation happened after I’d ignored an uninteresting message from an uninteresting profile…
7/20 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How is it going?
7/27 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How is it going?
7/30 Myself: Sorry, I can’t reply until you ask me the same thing a third time.
7/30 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How are you doing?
7/30 Myself: Haha, it was a joke…But sorry, I’m not interested anyway.
7/30 Random Guy: Mine was a joke too. Austin powers. Can’t ask me the same question 3 times. Lol.

And it’s looking like it’s going to be a dateless start of August…

(If you're picturing this guy when reading his message, you're probably not going to want to date him...)

(If you’re picturing this guy when reading his message, you’re probably not going to want to date him…)

Relationships On FaceBook

Those of who are in our 20’s/30’s, are now the youngest generation to have grown up without the internet. We’ve personally experienced the rapid growth in technology all around us, and have quickly accepted the internet becoming an everyday necessity. Some of us took a little longer to jump on the social network bandwagon, and a few still protest it –But the majority of those we know seem to be active participants. Though some of us are married or uninterested in dating, many of us are going through boyfriends and girlfriends left and right. –And so we find that the social norms of dating and social networking have some uncomfortable overlaps.

This post was inspired after I recently saw the following FaceBook status update on my newsfeed:
“I’m no longer in a relationship, and I don’t feel like telling y’all this individually, so I’m telling you like this. Not because I’m lazy or anything, or because I don’t want to talk to you (well, some of you I don’t want to talk to, but that’s because I hardly know you) but just because the part of being newly broken up where you have to tell your friends is really shitty. It becomes this Groundhog Day-esque experience where you’re having the same conversation over and over and over again, and what was actually a fairly painless thing gains a certain pain based on the fact that you relive it in your mind over and over as you tell people.
All you need to know is that we broke up, nobody was ‘at fault’, it wasn’t ugly, and there was no animosity. All that happened was that two people drifted in opposite directions. Such as life. Things change and evolve. That’s the way of the world.
I genuinely wish her the best, and she wishes me the same.”
[7/31/13 Edit: One day after I posted this, the same person made another status update:
“hey remember that shit I said 48 hours ago about my relationship ending amicably and whatnot? hahahhahaha oh how young and naive i was”
Followed by commenting on their own status…
“the next time you see me sink a half a year into something, if it ain’t a screenplay, punch me in the face. i’m fucking done with this shit”
And another of their comments on the status…
“Actually, fuck this. I’m inheriting the dark mindset that caused to hurt me several times in the past 48 hours. I take back what i said. I’m not done with relationships in general, I’m just done with a relationship with her”]

Dating, relationships, and break-ups have been altered tremendously in an extremely short period of time, but for the most part we seem to be accepting it. Though, should we be? Our relationships once used to be a much more private ordeal. We’d go on some double dates with our friends, or gossip about last night to our best friend, but beyond that it was in our control to keep everything else to ourselves. That was the norm. Today it’s quite normal for a virtual version of our relationships to be broadcast to everyone we choose to keep in touch with. But is this really normal? FaceBook doesn’t allow for much wiggle-room when it comes to keeping our relationships to ourselves. Though a few settings can be altered, for the most part, the social network nearly all of us frequent, announces our every dating move -from when we begin dating, to when we end it –be that a break-up or an engagement. We’re feeling pressure to marry, seeing everyone we ever went to school with from age 4 to 24+ accept their proposals -When not all that long ago we’d only get a sampling from the friends we stayed in touch with. –But we’re also witnessing the end of every relationship of everyone we know. As we all know, from real life and sitcoms break-ups aren’t always so clean-cut. (If you used to watch Friends, I don’t need to say any more than “We were on a break!”) They can be messy and unclear. Sometimes we get back together for better, sometimes for worse, and sometimes we overreact after a bad fight. In all of our moments of emotional outbursts, we used to be able to dust them under the rug, and go about our relationship as if it never happened. –Or, if we decided to end it, there wasn’t much to consider when it came to keeping your ex in your life or not. You’d vent to your best friend, and fill in the others you spoke to while in the relationship, in time, as they passed through your life.

Today, we have all of those same questions to ponder –And another- What happens to our relationship in the virtual world? The one almost everyone you know has been monitoring some version of on their computers. The one where you’d check in on your significant other’s daily actions, check-ins, and photographs. The part of your personal page which indicates your relationship status. When do we update these events to the world? We know it looks silly when our relationship status fluctuates more than once in a week, but how long is it appropriate to keep incorrect social information up on your social media page? What if you’re not ready to talk to your friends, let alone everyone you’re in contact with about the details of your recent relationship status change? Why do we have to stress over these questions when the end of a relationship should be stressful enough? Why do we have to stress over them at the beginning? We’ve never lived in a generation more heavily labeled when it comes to dating. Some won’t even consider your relationship to officially exist until you’ve updated the virtual version.

–And then of course there’s all that goes on while you’re in the relationship. If most of the people you know in relationships share something with their significant other publicly, it’s only natural to assume it’s a common behavior when things are going well in a relationship. But, should it really have that much value? Should we expect our significant other to “like” things that we post, just because other’s significant others “like” what they post? We’ve entered an entirely new generation of dating etiquette. We’re only just now making our imprint on the blank slate handed to us –Yet we’re all so clueless, who are we to decide what our social norms are to become? I personally miss the days when your ex was out of your life unless you dialed their number and they picked up their phone. You’d have to be a pretty extreme case to show up on their doorstep, and that type of stalking wasn’t really heard of for the majority. Today we’ve made stalking a common, acceptable, and sometimes encouraged practice. Of course, only the type that occurs behind a computer, with information authorized to the public. –And we do authorize a lot of our information to the public. There was never before any craving to fight when you wanted to see what your ex had been up to or what they looked like some time later. You can even attempt to alter the impression your ex holds of yourself. “If I post pictures of myself having fun, they will assume I’ve moved on.” With all of these answers to our previous partners just a click away, are we still experiencing healthy social interactions as we were before? Where will this bring us in time?

Of course advances in technology have had quite a positive impact. They’ve helped a lot of people reconnect, strengthen some social interactions beyond what they would’ve otherwise been, and allowed others to expand their options when it comes to meeting new people. But, are we getting in over our heads? Is it too much too fast? Are we readily accepting all of these changes too quickly? We get caught up in what the majority does, we follow our peers, we try to fit in, and in keeping up are we losing something? Are our relationships more stressful now that we’re working to sustain a second virtual version along with the real one? Does it not sometimes cause us to confuse our reality with the one our friends perceive us to be in? Are we passed the point of return? How healthy are our relationships now, really, compared to the time before FaceBook? Have we not increased our rate of unnecessary jealousy? Have we not over-thought every word printed in front of us and have our emotions tossed to and fro over a single comment made by another? Are we not comparing ourselves to those around us more than ever? Are we not living through the computer generated version of our lives more than just x amount of years ago? Why have we so quickly accepted that sharing this amount of our lives with so many other people is a normal behavior? Will it change us for better…or for worse?
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Still No Luck Dating

Wow, three days without a post. I guess that’s what happens when you make a blog about dating and experience dateless days. Maybe I should turn this into weekly updates rather than daily. Anyway, I don’t really have anything going on in my dating life right now. I did do a little bar hopping with some friends this weekend and found myself noticing the girls more than guys. I think it was a combination of browsing too many lesbian profiles on these dating sites, wanting to feed my curiosity, and my increasing boredom with men/tiredness of dating. I’m actually considering messaging some of the girls who’s profiles I’d bookmarked, after a conversation with a straight girl I had yesterday. She told me about her one girl crush and that she had a good experience the one time she dated a lesbian. …And in other news, I haven’t been getting too many messages on the sites from anyone interesting, so I just have some short conversations turning guys down…

Random Guy: hey there!
Myself: Hello…Didn’t leave much room for any other reply, really…

Random Guy: hi beautiful how you doing tonight.
Myself: I’m alright, but you forgot an “are.”
Random Guy: ok ? lol
Random Guy: how are you doing…u serious lol
Myself: I’m still alright, and yeah -You lost a “y” and an “o” that time.
[hehe how annoying am I?…I wanted to make a comment about him missing question marks too.]

Random Guy: #yesplease
Myself: No thank you.
Random Guy: Hahaha ouch

Do Guys Have It Harder On Dating Websites?

I’m starting to think guys have it harder on dating websites than girls. It’s known that there are more men than women on these sites, so that’s already an advantage for straight women (as far as more of a selection goes), but does it go beyond that? I haven’t done any proper research, but most of the guys I speak to tell me that they get very few replies to their messages, and fewer initial messages from girls. I wonder if it has something to do with the classic “the guy asks the girl out”, rather than the other way around. I think it’s become less of a big deal for a girl to make the first move today, but it seems that most guys are still the ones to approach the girl. -And of course most marriage proposals are definitely still being done by the man as well. Not to mention more women are still skeptical about meeting a stranger from the internet than men fear meeting a strange women. So, some work goes into maintaining the idea that they’re not just some creep.
A male friend of mine recently signed up with one of the dating websites I frequent. He asked me to fix up his profile a little. I spent about three hours logged in as him and was surprised I didn’t get a single message. The ten messages he’d sent out remained unanswered. I also discovered that it isn’t easy to speak highly of yourself and not sound completely cocky, as a guy. After some difficulty with the task, I wound up leaving a sort of testimonial for him on his profile, as myself. It was a sort of experiment. Either girls would be turned off by it, or they’d find it cute and be intrigued that another girl had such great things to say about him. It’s been about a week since that experiment and you know, he’s gotten a few replies to the first messages he sent out, a few new messages from others, and has even progressed one conversation off of the website and into texts. I take most of the credit for getting him to that point on the site –But he’s still claiming some sort of 20% that I’m not sure he deserves credit for from the start ;-) …It’s also not the first time I’ve heard of a girl helping a guy fill out his profile, or a guy making suggestions to a girl about hers. Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just falling for each other’s profiles written by someone else…

In other news…During another night tired of dating websites, I tried fooling around with my search options. I spent some time looking at some 0% matches and you know, it made me pretty happy I’m not with any of those guys. Some of them were just awful and while I still haven’t found whatever it is I’m searching for, sometimes it’s nice to know who I don’t have to end up with. I was also wondering about the guy who wanted a girl who would go out to the club with him every night. Why is he looking for her online? Wouldn’t he have better luck finding her at the club? -Oh, and today I received a message from a guy who I’m pretty sure has tried to contact me a few times in the past. His message wasn’t so bad, but today I squinted at his picture and went “Does he…Is that…” and upon closer inspection, yes that was a puppet on his hand. It could have been the fact that he also happened to be unattractive, but I never knew what a turn off a puppet could be. I just don’t see myself dating a ventriloquist. The picture just made me frown upon coming across his profile. -Does that exist? Different expressions people made upon viewing different dating website profiles in some sort of video? Well, It should exist, anyway.
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Still Going No Where On Dating Websites

Well, “Mr. Perfect Profile” turned out to be nothing special after all. He put that easy-going vibe into his profile, but turned out just to be a jerk in his messages. I sent him a clearly light-hearted, joking second message and got back an angry reply. Really? You’re that rude to a stranger, unprovoked? Kind of a real turn off for me. Who are you to snap, “don’t ever contact me again” after I was friendly on a freaking dating website? Seeing him go from “perfect” to unreasonably mean was pretty disappointing –But a good thing to catch so early on. Imagine if we’d actually met! He even got unreasonably defensive stating that he was on vacation and unable to load the website. Funny how he could suddenly send that message with ease, though, huh? It’s like he wanted to make me feel like an idiot about messaging him. Well, sorry dude. You’ve failed. Now I just get to tease you anonymously on a blog you’ll never read. And moving on, yet again…

Then there’s a conversation in my inbox with a guy who insisted on messaging me, though the website has indicated we’re not a good match. When I pointed this out to him he wanted specifics saying he didn’t believe in math when it comes to relationships. I don’t either, but I believe in it when it comes to dating websites. It does half the work for me based on important facts about who I want to date which I’ve fed to it. So, I told him that right off the bat I found that he answered “Girl-on-girl is okay, but guy-on-guy is wrong” to the question “Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?” completely disgusting. I received a long-winded reply about how it’s just not something he’d want to watch, but that he enjoyed Rocky Horror Picture Show, so this must prove he’s not homophobic. What does any of that have to do with the question?! I was too annoyed to answer him again…And now I feel like I’m going in circles within circles of the dating cycle because I also just had another one of these conversations again…

Random Guy: Where do you get all this money to do so many of these shit? :P Really like the way you edited your profile. More interesting than others. Props for that.
Myself: I don’t have a lot of money, I live my life in pretty inexpensive ways.
Thanks…
I don’t think we’re a good match, and I’m not a fan of the way you speak, though…
Sorry.

So, now I can either go back to scrolling through the thousands of profiles of guys I’m not interested in to find a couple I might be, go back to dreaming as I scroll through lesbians profiles, or start working on my next blog post on some other related topic.
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Dating Website Conversation #10

Still kind of slow on the dating front heading into this week. Mr. Perfect Profile from one dating website, never replied. I got a little frustrated (or annoyed/ disappointed/ desperate/ “other fitting words”) and sent a follow-up message after all. It’s kind of pathetic, but at that point you really have nothing to lose and if it gives you a bit of closure to call someone out on their rudeness in not replying, so be it. Not all that long ago I did an experiment where I wrote back a little survey to each person who ignored me. It was like: “You did not reply because a) You didn’t like my pictures, b) You’ve started seeing someone, c)…” and so on. Now, I knew it made me sound kind of nuts, but honestly what did it matter what it prompted those people to think of me at that point? Surprisingly I got a few replies, some honest answers, and some insight –Almost none of which was even very insulting. It was just an experiment, though. -Not something I typically do. If I did, I’d need someone to make a blog like this just to post the stuff I send out! Anyway, I just have a simple/silly conversation to share with you tonight. It’s more silly on my part than theirs, but that’s what you get when you send one-word initial messages if you get anything!…

Random Guy: Hi!
Myself: Hello
…A lot of time and planning seems to go into your initial messages, huh? A little “h”, some “i”, some capitalization to suggest intelligence of the grammatical kind –and to top it off an exclamation point for some added jazz.
…That was your thought process behind the whole message, wasn’t it?
Random Guy: I’m sure you will elicit other, more complex messages of which you are more deserving.
Take care and best wishes!
Myself: ;-)
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