Monthly Archives: July 2013

End Of July Updates

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I did it. I just sent my first dating website message to a girl. I guess recently developing my second girl-crush pushed me to it. I have no idea as to what kind of reply I’m going to get, if any. It’s all such unfamiliar territory to me, but I guess my curiosity is winning over my nervousness at this point. I don’t even know what I want the result to be in this experiment. I think it’s more about the experience than the outcome now.

The guy asking me about circumcision from my previous post yesterday finally ended his questioning with some sort of “thank you for your time.” I’m now convinced I was just surveyed for someone’s research project. His final question asked why I never gave much thought to my preference in men being circumcised or not, and asked if it was because only 10% of men in the US aren’t and I’d never been with one. My reply was “Honestly, I really just don’t ever spend much time thinking about penis’s.” That was when the questions ended.

I also have an update from my 7/29 post about relationships on FaceBook: Remember the status update that prompted me to write the post? The same person made a new status update last night, continuing with the entire theme of my post that day. –If you haven’t already, please read “Relationships On FaceBook” to make sense of this…
“hey remember that shit I said 48 hours ago about my relationship ending amicably and whatnot? hahahhahaha oh how young and naive i was”
[Followed by commenting on their own status…]
“the next time you see me sink a half a year into something, if it ain’t a screenplay, punch me in the face. i’m fucking done with this shit”
[And another of their comments…]
“Actually, fuck this. I’m inheriting the dark mindset that caused to hurt me several times in the past 48 hours. I take back what i said. I’m not done with relationships in general, I’m just done with a relationship with her”
[This will be added to the original post as well.]

Dating Website Conversations From The Last Week Of July

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Okay, the most recent dating website message I received was from a guy who wanted to know my feelings on circumcision. Actually, it wasn’t x-rated, -He messaged me about studies done in the UK and the US and different findings when it comes to health. I told him I was aware some people were for it and some against the practice, but that I really wasn’t interested in having the debate with him. I guess that’s one way to start a conversation, though? He said that he didn’t want to have the debate either, but continued to question my opinion on it as if he was using me as a participant in some research project of his own. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all it was considering how many miles away in some other state he was. So, the strangeness of these sites continues. (And I do consider myself to be a contributor in the strangeness as well, of course.)

Then there are the guys that seem to mean well and be sincere but come off a little too over the top. Of course your first message should be interesting, but if you’re going to get this deep before I’ve said a word to you, it comes off as a little much. He wrote a long message about “connecting with mind and soul,” having “conversations that induce cathartic emotive transcendence,” and that I was the only one on this “portal” who matched his interests and that he found intriguing. I mean, finally someone sounds intelligent on here- But isn’t there some sort of in-between guy? He’s probably a good guy, but somehow just isn’t my type. He put effort into his message, but I guess sometimes one can still feel turned off -especially if there’s no physical attraction. I think it was the fact that he ended his message with a poem that made me most uncomfortable…
“But all the clock in the city began to whir and chime:
Oh let not time deceive you, you cannot conquer time.
In headaches and in worry vaguely life leaks away,
and time will have his fancy tomorrow or today.”

Then this conversation happened after I’d ignored an uninteresting message from an uninteresting profile…
7/20 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How is it going?
7/27 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How is it going?
7/30 Myself: Sorry, I can’t reply until you ask me the same thing a third time.
7/30 Random Guy: Hi. My name is [NAME CENSORED]. How are you doing?
7/30 Myself: Haha, it was a joke…But sorry, I’m not interested anyway.
7/30 Random Guy: Mine was a joke too. Austin powers. Can’t ask me the same question 3 times. Lol.

And it’s looking like it’s going to be a dateless start of August…

(If you're picturing this guy when reading his message, you're probably not going to want to date him...)

(If you’re picturing this guy when reading his message, you’re probably not going to want to date him…)

Relationships On FaceBook

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Those of who are in our 20’s/30’s, are now the youngest generation to have grown up without the internet. We’ve personally experienced the rapid growth in technology all around us, and have quickly accepted the internet becoming an everyday necessity. Some of us took a little longer to jump on the social network bandwagon, and a few still protest it –But the majority of those we know seem to be active participants. Though some of us are married or uninterested in dating, many of us are going through boyfriends and girlfriends left and right. –And so we find that the social norms of dating and social networking have some uncomfortable overlaps.

This post was inspired after I recently saw the following FaceBook status update on my newsfeed:
“I’m no longer in a relationship, and I don’t feel like telling y’all this individually, so I’m telling you like this. Not because I’m lazy or anything, or because I don’t want to talk to you (well, some of you I don’t want to talk to, but that’s because I hardly know you) but just because the part of being newly broken up where you have to tell your friends is really shitty. It becomes this Groundhog Day-esque experience where you’re having the same conversation over and over and over again, and what was actually a fairly painless thing gains a certain pain based on the fact that you relive it in your mind over and over as you tell people.
All you need to know is that we broke up, nobody was ‘at fault’, it wasn’t ugly, and there was no animosity. All that happened was that two people drifted in opposite directions. Such as life. Things change and evolve. That’s the way of the world.
I genuinely wish her the best, and she wishes me the same.”
[7/31/13 Edit: One day after I posted this, the same person made another status update:
“hey remember that shit I said 48 hours ago about my relationship ending amicably and whatnot? hahahhahaha oh how young and naive i was”
Followed by commenting on their own status…
“the next time you see me sink a half a year into something, if it ain’t a screenplay, punch me in the face. i’m fucking done with this shit”
And another of their comments on the status…
“Actually, fuck this. I’m inheriting the dark mindset that caused to hurt me several times in the past 48 hours. I take back what i said. I’m not done with relationships in general, I’m just done with a relationship with her”]

Dating, relationships, and break-ups have been altered tremendously in an extremely short period of time, but for the most part we seem to be accepting it. Though, should we be? Our relationships once used to be a much more private ordeal. We’d go on some double dates with our friends, or gossip about last night to our best friend, but beyond that it was in our control to keep everything else to ourselves. That was the norm. Today it’s quite normal for a virtual version of our relationships to be broadcast to everyone we choose to keep in touch with. But is this really normal? FaceBook doesn’t allow for much wiggle-room when it comes to keeping our relationships to ourselves. Though a few settings can be altered, for the most part, the social network nearly all of us frequent, announces our every dating move -from when we begin dating, to when we end it –be that a break-up or an engagement. We’re feeling pressure to marry, seeing everyone we ever went to school with from age 4 to 24+ accept their proposals -When not all that long ago we’d only get a sampling from the friends we stayed in touch with. –But we’re also witnessing the end of every relationship of everyone we know. As we all know, from real life and sitcoms break-ups aren’t always so clean-cut. (If you used to watch Friends, I don’t need to say any more than “We were on a break!”) They can be messy and unclear. Sometimes we get back together for better, sometimes for worse, and sometimes we overreact after a bad fight. In all of our moments of emotional outbursts, we used to be able to dust them under the rug, and go about our relationship as if it never happened. –Or, if we decided to end it, there wasn’t much to consider when it came to keeping your ex in your life or not. You’d vent to your best friend, and fill in the others you spoke to while in the relationship, in time, as they passed through your life.

Today, we have all of those same questions to ponder –And another- What happens to our relationship in the virtual world? The one almost everyone you know has been monitoring some version of on their computers. The one where you’d check in on your significant other’s daily actions, check-ins, and photographs. The part of your personal page which indicates your relationship status. When do we update these events to the world? We know it looks silly when our relationship status fluctuates more than once in a week, but how long is it appropriate to keep incorrect social information up on your social media page? What if you’re not ready to talk to your friends, let alone everyone you’re in contact with about the details of your recent relationship status change? Why do we have to stress over these questions when the end of a relationship should be stressful enough? Why do we have to stress over them at the beginning? We’ve never lived in a generation more heavily labeled when it comes to dating. Some won’t even consider your relationship to officially exist until you’ve updated the virtual version.

–And then of course there’s all that goes on while you’re in the relationship. If most of the people you know in relationships share something with their significant other publicly, it’s only natural to assume it’s a common behavior when things are going well in a relationship. But, should it really have that much value? Should we expect our significant other to “like” things that we post, just because other’s significant others “like” what they post? We’ve entered an entirely new generation of dating etiquette. We’re only just now making our imprint on the blank slate handed to us –Yet we’re all so clueless, who are we to decide what our social norms are to become? I personally miss the days when your ex was out of your life unless you dialed their number and they picked up their phone. You’d have to be a pretty extreme case to show up on their doorstep, and that type of stalking wasn’t really heard of for the majority. Today we’ve made stalking a common, acceptable, and sometimes encouraged practice. Of course, only the type that occurs behind a computer, with information authorized to the public. –And we do authorize a lot of our information to the public. There was never before any craving to fight when you wanted to see what your ex had been up to or what they looked like some time later. You can even attempt to alter the impression your ex holds of yourself. “If I post pictures of myself having fun, they will assume I’ve moved on.” With all of these answers to our previous partners just a click away, are we still experiencing healthy social interactions as we were before? Where will this bring us in time?

Of course advances in technology have had quite a positive impact. They’ve helped a lot of people reconnect, strengthen some social interactions beyond what they would’ve otherwise been, and allowed others to expand their options when it comes to meeting new people. But, are we getting in over our heads? Is it too much too fast? Are we readily accepting all of these changes too quickly? We get caught up in what the majority does, we follow our peers, we try to fit in, and in keeping up are we losing something? Are our relationships more stressful now that we’re working to sustain a second virtual version along with the real one? Does it not sometimes cause us to confuse our reality with the one our friends perceive us to be in? Are we passed the point of return? How healthy are our relationships now, really, compared to the time before FaceBook? Have we not increased our rate of unnecessary jealousy? Have we not over-thought every word printed in front of us and have our emotions tossed to and fro over a single comment made by another? Are we not comparing ourselves to those around us more than ever? Are we not living through the computer generated version of our lives more than just x amount of years ago? Why have we so quickly accepted that sharing this amount of our lives with so many other people is a normal behavior? Will it change us for better…or for worse?
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Still No Luck Dating

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Wow, three days without a post. I guess that’s what happens when you make a blog about dating and experience dateless days. Maybe I should turn this into weekly updates rather than daily. Anyway, I don’t really have anything going on in my dating life right now. I did do a little bar hopping with some friends this weekend and found myself noticing the girls more than guys. I think it was a combination of browsing too many lesbian profiles on these dating sites, wanting to feed my curiosity, and my increasing boredom with men/tiredness of dating. I’m actually considering messaging some of the girls who’s profiles I’d bookmarked, after a conversation with a straight girl I had yesterday. She told me about her one girl crush and that she had a good experience the one time she dated a lesbian. …And in other news, I haven’t been getting too many messages on the sites from anyone interesting, so I just have some short conversations turning guys down…

Random Guy: hey there!
Myself: Hello…Didn’t leave much room for any other reply, really…

Random Guy: hi beautiful how you doing tonight.
Myself: I’m alright, but you forgot an “are.”
Random Guy: ok ? lol
Random Guy: how are you doing…u serious lol
Myself: I’m still alright, and yeah -You lost a “y” and an “o” that time.
[hehe how annoying am I?…I wanted to make a comment about him missing question marks too.]

Random Guy: #yesplease
Myself: No thank you.
Random Guy: Hahaha ouch

Do Guys Have It Harder On Dating Websites?

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I’m starting to think guys have it harder on dating websites than girls. It’s known that there are more men than women on these sites, so that’s already an advantage for straight women (as far as more of a selection goes), but does it go beyond that? I haven’t done any proper research, but most of the guys I speak to tell me that they get very few replies to their messages, and fewer initial messages from girls. I wonder if it has something to do with the classic “the guy asks the girl out”, rather than the other way around. I think it’s become less of a big deal for a girl to make the first move today, but it seems that most guys are still the ones to approach the girl. -And of course most marriage proposals are definitely still being done by the man as well. Not to mention more women are still skeptical about meeting a stranger from the internet than men fear meeting a strange women. So, some work goes into maintaining the idea that they’re not just some creep.
A male friend of mine recently signed up with one of the dating websites I frequent. He asked me to fix up his profile a little. I spent about three hours logged in as him and was surprised I didn’t get a single message. The ten messages he’d sent out remained unanswered. I also discovered that it isn’t easy to speak highly of yourself and not sound completely cocky, as a guy. After some difficulty with the task, I wound up leaving a sort of testimonial for him on his profile, as myself. It was a sort of experiment. Either girls would be turned off by it, or they’d find it cute and be intrigued that another girl had such great things to say about him. It’s been about a week since that experiment and you know, he’s gotten a few replies to the first messages he sent out, a few new messages from others, and has even progressed one conversation off of the website and into texts. I take most of the credit for getting him to that point on the site –But he’s still claiming some sort of 20% that I’m not sure he deserves credit for from the start ;-) …It’s also not the first time I’ve heard of a girl helping a guy fill out his profile, or a guy making suggestions to a girl about hers. Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just falling for each other’s profiles written by someone else…

In other news…During another night tired of dating websites, I tried fooling around with my search options. I spent some time looking at some 0% matches and you know, it made me pretty happy I’m not with any of those guys. Some of them were just awful and while I still haven’t found whatever it is I’m searching for, sometimes it’s nice to know who I don’t have to end up with. I was also wondering about the guy who wanted a girl who would go out to the club with him every night. Why is he looking for her online? Wouldn’t he have better luck finding her at the club? -Oh, and today I received a message from a guy who I’m pretty sure has tried to contact me a few times in the past. His message wasn’t so bad, but today I squinted at his picture and went “Does he…Is that…” and upon closer inspection, yes that was a puppet on his hand. It could have been the fact that he also happened to be unattractive, but I never knew what a turn off a puppet could be. I just don’t see myself dating a ventriloquist. The picture just made me frown upon coming across his profile. -Does that exist? Different expressions people made upon viewing different dating website profiles in some sort of video? Well, It should exist, anyway.
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Still Going No Where On Dating Websites

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Well, “Mr. Perfect Profile” turned out to be nothing special after all. He put that easy-going vibe into his profile, but turned out just to be a jerk in his messages. I sent him a clearly light-hearted, joking second message and got back an angry reply. Really? You’re that rude to a stranger, unprovoked? Kind of a real turn off for me. Who are you to snap, “don’t ever contact me again” after I was friendly on a freaking dating website? Seeing him go from “perfect” to unreasonably mean was pretty disappointing –But a good thing to catch so early on. Imagine if we’d actually met! He even got unreasonably defensive stating that he was on vacation and unable to load the website. Funny how he could suddenly send that message with ease, though, huh? It’s like he wanted to make me feel like an idiot about messaging him. Well, sorry dude. You’ve failed. Now I just get to tease you anonymously on a blog you’ll never read. And moving on, yet again…

Then there’s a conversation in my inbox with a guy who insisted on messaging me, though the website has indicated we’re not a good match. When I pointed this out to him he wanted specifics saying he didn’t believe in math when it comes to relationships. I don’t either, but I believe in it when it comes to dating websites. It does half the work for me based on important facts about who I want to date which I’ve fed to it. So, I told him that right off the bat I found that he answered “Girl-on-girl is okay, but guy-on-guy is wrong” to the question “Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?” completely disgusting. I received a long-winded reply about how it’s just not something he’d want to watch, but that he enjoyed Rocky Horror Picture Show, so this must prove he’s not homophobic. What does any of that have to do with the question?! I was too annoyed to answer him again…And now I feel like I’m going in circles within circles of the dating cycle because I also just had another one of these conversations again…

Random Guy: Where do you get all this money to do so many of these shit? :P Really like the way you edited your profile. More interesting than others. Props for that.
Myself: I don’t have a lot of money, I live my life in pretty inexpensive ways.
Thanks…
I don’t think we’re a good match, and I’m not a fan of the way you speak, though…
Sorry.

So, now I can either go back to scrolling through the thousands of profiles of guys I’m not interested in to find a couple I might be, go back to dreaming as I scroll through lesbians profiles, or start working on my next blog post on some other related topic.
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Dating Website Conversation #10

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Still kind of slow on the dating front heading into this week. Mr. Perfect Profile from one dating website, never replied. I got a little frustrated (or annoyed/ disappointed/ desperate/ “other fitting words”) and sent a follow-up message after all. It’s kind of pathetic, but at that point you really have nothing to lose and if it gives you a bit of closure to call someone out on their rudeness in not replying, so be it. Not all that long ago I did an experiment where I wrote back a little survey to each person who ignored me. It was like: “You did not reply because a) You didn’t like my pictures, b) You’ve started seeing someone, c)…” and so on. Now, I knew it made me sound kind of nuts, but honestly what did it matter what it prompted those people to think of me at that point? Surprisingly I got a few replies, some honest answers, and some insight –Almost none of which was even very insulting. It was just an experiment, though. -Not something I typically do. If I did, I’d need someone to make a blog like this just to post the stuff I send out! Anyway, I just have a simple/silly conversation to share with you tonight. It’s more silly on my part than theirs, but that’s what you get when you send one-word initial messages if you get anything!…

Random Guy: Hi!
Myself: Hello
…A lot of time and planning seems to go into your initial messages, huh? A little “h”, some “i”, some capitalization to suggest intelligence of the grammatical kind –and to top it off an exclamation point for some added jazz.
…That was your thought process behind the whole message, wasn’t it?
Random Guy: I’m sure you will elicit other, more complex messages of which you are more deserving.
Take care and best wishes!
Myself: ;-)
MjAxMS1mOTYxNDU2YjUxYjdmMWQy

Progress Update

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This blog reached 100 likes today, with 50 followers, a slew of comments, and almost 4,000 views after it’s creation approximately one month ago without any advertising. –So, I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re enjoying this and thanks for making me feel like I’m sharing something worthwhile with you all! =)

As for other updates in my dating life…The guy I’ve decided is too young for me called me again yesterday. This time I answered. I really don’t know why I picked up beyond curiosity, but as soon as I did I knew the whole thing was just too silly. He didn’t sound very intelligent on the phone and as he suggested we hang out that night, I kept thinking “Hang out? Where do you hang out? You can’t even go anywhere that serves alcohol…I can’t go back to how much that sucked when I was a kid.” I think I’ve made up my mind not to answer any more of his calls. He might get the idea. I told him I’d let him know what I was doing that night and never got back to him.
Then I found a profile on the dating site that sounded perfect the other day. I couldn’t have asked for better sentences, opinions, or pictures. I thought, “18 miles away? so what I’ll make use of my car and we’ll make this work.” Unfortunately I sent a message before reading his entire profile, and would’ve written it a little better if I knew I was dealing with Mr. Perfect Profile. It’s the second time I had this feeling when scrolling through these profiles all these years. A profile that actually excited me. A guy who’d mastered the art of making himself sound completely perfect for me through an online profile. It’s like he’s me, but without all the parts about me I don’t like! -But it’s now the second time someone with a profile this great ignored my message, too. I’ve appropriately stalked his activity to figure out if I’m being ignored and I’m still sort of hoping he’s just been really busy, but I have a feeling it’s already over before it’s begun yet again. See, I sent the message three days ago. He’s logged in somewhere between three and four times since then and visited my profile twice. It’s kind of hard to make a final decision on being ignored yet, but it can’t be much longer now. I even considered sending a follow-up message, but soon decided if he was interested he’d have answered and knowing the reason he’s not isn’t really going help. Just because his profile might have been perfect to me, it doesn’t mean mine would’ve had to be perfect for him. Anyway, what a rude jerk he is for just ignoring me like that!…-And back to scrolling through the “matches” these sites throw at me…
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Should The Guy Pay On A Date?

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We’ve all heard that when heterosexual couples go out on a date, the guy should pay. Though, I’m pretty sure this began before a lot of women’s rights acts. In this day and age it’s become more of a cliché –Yet still a common practice amongst many couples. Should the rule remain in our society today? Homosexual couples don’t seem to be any more confused than heterosexuals in the dating game, but I suppose it’s a habit we’ve yet been able to break. For the longest time I’ve always said that I couldn’t care less about how much money the guy I’m dating made. It mattered much more who they were as a person, and how we felt about each other. As long as we could go out once in a while and neither of us were struggling financially in a way that effected our relationship, I always felt their income shouldn’t be of a concern to me. I always said that I didn’t care if the guy treated me to dinner or not. For the most part, I still stand by this, but I’ve noticed I might care about all of this a little more than I thought. I’ve dated the unemployed and the six-figure income guys and the happiness of our relationship or reason for it’s end never varied much. (Although, some of those relationships were when I was a lot younger and probably in part while I was still living with my parents.) But, I recently dated a guy for a few months and I knew he didn’t have an incredibly high income or much extra money floating around to play with. He paid for my dinner and drinks the first few times we went out, and then we began to split the bill. I’d been an advocate of how fair this was and thought that I had no problem with this. But, after some time, I found myself complaining that he never paid for anything for me. This wasn’t even true because he still purchased some of my drinks, or occasionally covered larger portions of the bill –But I caught myself complaining to him anyway.

So what was it? Did I feel insulted? Was it that it’s somehow ingrained into me that the social norm on a date is being taken out by the guy, who covers all the costs? Was I just feeling like being cheap? And so, should we try to completely drop this rule? Is it possible to drop? Should we replace it with a new rule? I thought I was the one who wanted to do away with the rules and games of dating. It makes sense that whoever suggests the place/activity, should cover the cost of it –But will it ever be a common norm that the girl pays for the guy? Should the norm for everything be to always be split? Should the guy pay at the beginning and then everyone for themselves? Again, why should it be the guy, then? Should we base it off of who has a higher income? Yes, many studies show that men are still paid more than women on average –But of course this isn’t the case in every situation. Should we base it off of who has less bills to pay? Should a girl take it as an insult if a guy doesn’t want to pay for her? I guess it’s the type of thing that will continue to be a judgment call and unique to each relationship. If I can state I believe one thing, know it makes sense in my head, but still be bothered by not being treated once in a while, how is anyone else supposed to know how to go about it anyway?!

I suppose I’ll continue my trend of watching the waitress place the check on the table, reaching for my wallet, asking how much I owe as the guy turns it over, hope for the “I got it” reply, ask “are you sure?”, if confirmed, thank them, and if not pay my portion, while secretly being a little bit disappointed. It’s become such a routine, I’ve sometimes found myself actually asking my date, “Did you want me to do the fake wallet-grab to be polite or should I just ask if you just going to pay for it?” I think it’s coded into my genetic make-up at this point to initially assume the odds of the guy paying for me are pretty high.

(I didn't create this, but it was fitting for this post.)

(I didn’t create this, but it was fitting for this post.)

Slow

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I guess the dating scene has been going a little slow for me, lately. The best message I’ve received on the dating websites in a while was from a guy over ten years older than the oldest I’m comfortable dating. I’m not going for it. I also got some calls from the guy who I exchanged numbers with a couple of weeks ago, before I found out how many years I had on him. I didn’t pick up because I think the idea of being able to say “it was before your time” about too many things weird’s me out –But who knows, if things continue this slowly, I just might answer his next call. I know some people say age is only a number, but you know what, some people also say some really stupid things. Well, time to start scrolling through profiles again, this Friday night in.

(I like sleep, why should I be in such a rush to find the right guy anyway?)

(I like sleep, why should I be in such a rush to find the right guy anyway? It often leads to these…)

Crappy Dates From The Internet

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I don’t really have anything new to report, so I’ll just tell you about two crappy dates I went on a few years ago…

After talking to a guy on a dating website for a while, we decided to meet. He was one of the first people I’d met from the creepy land of the internet, so I made sure we were in some open space with a lot of people. What I should have done was planned out what we were going to do a little better. Once we met, he suggested the movies and that’s something people do on a date, right? So, off we went, to the movies, on a first date. Not just a first date, the first time meeting in person. Why is this an awful idea? Well, unless you’re planning on just hooking up and don’t give a shit about getting to know them as a person, you’re really not going to accomplish much by silently sitting next to them for two hours, in a dark place, while you’re paying attention to something else. This thought did cross my mind, but what did I know back then. We walked to the nearest theater and guess what the only movie playing at that time was? A stupid horror movie neither of us had any interest in seeing. Oh, that’s even better. Now we’re going to be sitting together in the dark for two hours watching something we don’t even want to be paying attention to. But did I know how to back out of things back then? Of course not. So, into the theater we went. About ten seconds into the opening credits he pretty much just leaned over and shoved his tongue down my throat –At least I was smart enough to stand my ground when it went that far, so I put my hand on his chest and pushed him pretty hard, back down into his seat. “I don’t want to kiss you,” I said. He nodded and replied, “Okay.” “We’re just going to sit here and silently watch this awful movie instead,” I thought. –And we did. We didn’t acknowledge each other again throughout the entire movie. He probably felt like an ass that entire time. The movie was pretty much as bad as we anticipated it to be. –But I mean, I guess that was the theme of our date, anyway. I haven’t seen him since that day. Was that last sentence necessary?

The other crappy date I went on was only about a year ago. I really shouldn’t have gone on it. It was a bad idea before I even knew who the date was going to be with. My ex thought that I’d be more content about our recent breakup if I went on a date with someone new. So, under the recommendation of a guy I still had feelings for, I turned to a dating website. I logged in and decided to click on the profile of the first guy who came up on it. Did I take the time to exchange a few messages with him first? Of course not, I just needed to go out on a date with someone else, who I was sure I wouldn’t care about in the least –What did it matter who they were? Great plan, huh? The entire conversation pretty much went, “Hi want to meet?, Sure –How about this place and time?, Sounds good –Here’s my number & what’s yours?” This story ends up being a case of the deceiving profile picture. When we met I immediately knew I didn’t find him attractive at all. Now, I’m generally not a shallow person, but it’s pretty hard to be with someone romantically if you don’t have any physical attraction to them. I mean, someone can go from okay-looking to amazing as you get to know them (or get more unattractive if they turn out to have a crappy personality) because physical appearance isn’t everything in my opinion –But if they’re not even at that level in your eyes from the start, it’s going to be pretty tough. Now, by no means was he hideous –I guess I’ll just put it politely and say he wasn’t my type. I remember as I saw him standing in our meeting place a little voice saying, “Oh noooo!” was going through my head, but I thought I’d stick it out. So, we walked to a nearby bar/café kind of place. He got a beer and I got a grilled cheese. We started talking and he seemed like an okay guy, but I wasn’t feeling it. I kept thinking about how it was forced and wrong of me to be there. So, I blurted out that I didn’t want it to be a date. I told him that I had feelings for my ex and that I couldn’t be on a date at that moment. Whenever a guy seems nice I always think “why can’t we just be friends, though?” -but it never translates properly when you give them this proposal. The entire date couldn’t have lasted more than 30 minutes. When we asked for the check the waitress raised her eyebrows, “Oh, this thing here is already done, is it?” We paid for ourselves and headed our separate ways. Such a lame story. But I now I know I’ll never again meet someone without scrutinizing their pictures and exchanging a few more messages first.

(*There are)

(*There are)

The “Best” Dating Website Profile?

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So, I just had this thought “What if I stop getting horrible messages on these dating websites and have nothing to write about on my blog?” …Oh what a silly thought. Just 10 minutes later I log in to find the all time lowest rating match for me has messaged me. Why he would bother when we’re clearly not right for each other, I don’t know –Maybe just to give me something to write about! He knows… I’m skeptical of the legitimacy of his profile, but after a few google searches I’m starting to think this could be for real. Either way, it’s worth a laugh…

Random Guy: Pumpkin Head You Seriously Need to Tone Down the Cuteness! ;)
Here I am looking for average next door gal types with 4 kids and a hubby and I end up with a gorgeous long haired gal like you. Some things in life just aren’t fair. Ha ha ha!
Seriously I’m looking 2 things…a gal who can show me both her sassy and sweet side…while wanting to be a proper lady at work and in the streets and a wild cat when in my presence. Oops! That’s 3 things. Can you help me with any of the above? Actually I want it all Suga! Give me all you got and more…ha ha ha!
Yes both my lines were come one lines…So come on…Check out my profile…If my bad intentions arouse you…then you know what to do. If not, it’s been a pleasure meeting your profile and best of luck!
Ciao Bella!
Mr. [NAME CENSORED] ;)
Myself: Thank you for your message.
Sorry, I’m not interested.
Random Guy: Don’t be sorry I’m not. Lol
Random Guy: But hey best of luck…I won’t need any! :-P
Myself: uhh…Right.
Random Guy: Quick response huh damn ur good lol
Myself: I was logged in when I got the message.

Now I know I don’t normally post people’s profiles on here, but maybe just one more exception this time? He did send me the message after all –and with all that artificial confidence how could he mind?!…

Random Guy’s Actual Dating Website “About Me” (& My Commentary, Of Course):
I’m Into SNL..Come Have a Laugh on Me! NO I’m Not All Fun and Games..Read On! ;)
I know the exact type of woman (umm I mean Lady ;) that attracts my interests.
My Alpha Caveman (animal instincts) only gets turned up like a wild lion strutting in the jungle roaring like a wild passionate steed overlooking the meadows and seeking a woman that posses these two very rare but wanted qualities, which are equally important to me. A sexy woman with class and an adorable, giant playful ball of fun
[See, this is why my immediate reaction was “fake profile…”]
A sexy woman with class and an adorable, giant playful ball of fun (think Kelly Cuoco). It’s rare. Yes I’m willing to except flaws (I have a bevy of them). I find it very appealing to be in the presence of a gal who is comfortable being called on their B.S. and is willing to tolerate and respect the challenges I throw at her and vice versa when I’m a dodo brain. Personally, I take it as a blessing that girls can’t get one over on me because of their looks. Sad with most guys they can. LITTLE SECRET: I used to let women’s looks effect me, but I no longer think with just my big ego but with my big brain. 97% of the time I’m a solid guy and 3% of I’m a big pain-in-the-ass. Aren’t we all ;) I’m hard core when it comes to respect and not using excuses. Aren’t you? Hope so. To be honest I have to feel two things about you once I get to know you. I have to feel like I want to throw you up against the wall and make mad passionate love to you. The other side I have to feel like you can keep up with my quirky sense of humor and engage in pillow talk with me like me caveman. A woman that is comfortable being a woman in my presence will win my protection; as I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you like my favorite stuffed animal. I definitely want a looker, but I definitely DON’T just want a looker. I want the rare personality that is not average thinking, not generic, overly neurotic, overly serious or prudish (or any bit prudish for that matter) like most others…uggh. It takes a strong independent woman to just say the hell with it and go for it. Meaning the next step. Not what you thought (but yes what ya thought at the same time). I’m open, but my dukes are up. I have been hurt in the past. Haven’t you. I hope not, but you probably have been somewhere, unless you’re extremely blessed.
So, who am I looking for?
[Because he didn’t already mention this 100 times?]
A girl who just read the above and agrees with me whole-heartedly. A woman who’s not afraid to show me her two sides. The naughty and nice. FOR SOME REASON A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF MEN SEEM TO THINK WOMEN DON’T LOVE SEX (you women are smart you have them fooled) I wouldn’t have it any other way :) I especially love women who are princesses in the street and wild cats in the sheets (meaning NO GAMES….and yes her being comfortable with me having selfish intentions–ladies you have them too. lol). A woman who can be an intelligent leader at her job, get things done, but can be a lady at home is very sexy. If you’re a looker great, but I’m generally open. I’m not going to lie to you. I do go for the hour-glass figure types, athletic types and girl next door types like most guys. I’m a sucker for Adrianne Curry nerdy eccentric and little professor types. I find many of them have a fun wild side that they’re waiting for the right guy to bring out of them. Like they say, it’s always the quiet one’s you need to look out for. Ha ha ha! If you wear glasses great; they’ll come a time and place where you’ll take them off for me.
Yes I like to joke around, makes life fun in between work. Being a dating coach is tough business
[…He’s..a dating coach? Haha What?!]
(long story, and I’m single because I’m a picky bastard
[Really, I didn’t notice!]
..as I would hope you are too. lol). I also have a life style management business and I run a sports memorabilia shop on the side.
My attitude towards people and the world is. Whatever happens happens. Let the chips fall where they may. This way of thinking is much healthier. Who knows? I may even be taking home my new best friend, which could be you. No high pressure boring dinner, coffee or movie dates. I’ll have you talking and thinking about things you haven’t thought about in years. Whatever it is..trust me, it’ll be fun and definitely interesting. Ok, random time (as if it hasn’t been) Quick note on my family life. Love pops/mom, although they drive me nuts sometimes. Asking and telling the same questions and stories over and over again..grrr GRANDMOTHER PASSED AWAY IN MARCH, I LEAVE THIS ON HERE IN HER HONOR. I just didn’t have the heart to take it out. Kinda keeps her alive to me somehow. About grandma love her to pieces, except when she’s cranky(you have no idea) :( she’s 90. I go there once a week to help her. I sweep, mop, laundry, food shop.)
[You have something written on your dating website profile to honor your grandmother? Is that really appropriate? This is the best place/way to do that sort of thing? Who was this woman?!]
Next subject. Huge animal lover. No I don’t have any pets. If you don’t like animals it’s best we part now. People who don’t like animals scare me. PASSIONS: Seduction, Intimacy, the Female Brain/the Male Brain, Self-Development, Spicy Food, Comedy, Social Dynamics (human communications).. Psychology, Human Behavior etc. I’m studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. So I’ll be your Superman and protect us from the bad guys not you my little Wonder Woman.
[Yes, this is pretty much the only place he actually mentions anything about himself.]
First Date (I Don’t Actually Do 1st Dates….lol)…I don’t put limits on 1st dates…I would hope you wouldn’t either.
Oh did I forget to say what exactly I’m attracted to?
[No, you just wrote an entire essay about it!]
I know I’m very vague in the presence of beauty. Stop it right now! You’re so distracting me. Let’s see. Relatively tall (5’3″ to 5’11”) Sexy very curvy voluptuous women size 4-14 yes it’s a broad range but if you’re fit and firm..hips..J.Lo booty that says “Hello Fella” and winks I’m a gonna be smiling. Also slim women I find attractive too, as long as they are petite but too petite (more than 108 pounds). [He did NOT just give exact height and weight requirements for a woman, did he?]
I also go for young chicks with athletic builds and I also like sexy cougars with attractive lifestyles. By the way..shhhh..I do have a soft mushy side.. beep beep.. I don’t show this mushy side right away. I have my Bitch (Bastard) Shield up. Don’t most of us? :)
What I would love to do upon meeting you, twirl you around gracefully like a little ballerina and have you fall into my arms looking passionately into my eyes..If I catch you of course. lol…laughing and giggling like a little girl because you feel so safe and secure within seconds of meeting me (shut up.. yes I like the corny romantic stuff sometimes).
[Are you saying “what the fuck?” as much as I am at this point?…]
I hate having to put this in here but I’m doing it to screen out women who have nothing but pretty looks to offer but no depth. Warning I’m a game playing hound for women who play “Head Games” Gals who like to just collect guys in case the ex or new guy doesn’t work out need not apply. READ THIS: Playing Hard to Get…Will make me want you LESS and other gals MORE. If you’re attractive think how many guys chase you. Did you forget it goes the other way? ;P I guess you can say I’m one of those guys that “GETS IT” “THE GAME” What I’m saying with all this tough talk?? lol.
Bonus points to those who truly get this next point: Life, human connection and true presence is way more than GAME..The only game or actually games I play are who can be the most REAL and who can give off the best energy. The BEST Game is NO GAME at all. THE END!
Looking for: short-term dating, activity partners, casual sex

What was that- 5% of his profile was about him? The other 95% was a very drawn out description of who his perfect woman is. It’s as if he believes she’s out there, going to read his profile and message him like, “Hey, that’s me! Doesn’t matter who you are!” -And if only I posted his pictures…He’s got one of him and some woman with the caption, “My lips look juicier.” I’d also post the answers he gave to some questions, but I think you could guess them based off of his “About Me.” I really hope this turns out to be a fake profile. Or maybe I hope he’s real…because I’ll always know whoever I eventually end up with could never have been as awful as this dude.

(It's not just you, kitty.)

(It’s not just you, kitty.)

Tired Of Men, Time To Try Women?…

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You know it’s not going too well on a dating site when you spend an hour scrolling through lesbian’s profiles, and even bookmark a few -when you’re straight, and female. You know, just to know what other options are out there. Now, I’m not one of those attention-seeking girls who sets her profile to “bi” just to pique the interest of certain guys, or who makes out with her female friends at a bar to attract men. I’m really just reaching that point where I’m so tired of dating and so tired of the guys profiles on these sites, I’ve pondered the thought, “Maybe it’s not dating I’m tired of, maybe it’s men.” Could this be the problem? There was that one time I had a crush on a girl, anyway. There was something about her firm handshake and asking if I wanted a drink, but remaining a very pretty girl that confused me. There was even a time I found myself imagining that the guy I was dating wasn’t him, and that it was rather her –during a time you probably wouldn’t be thrilled to know it was someone else your date had had on their mind. I’ve started day dreaming “if only you could just change your sexual preference back and forth just like that…” You know, just for something new. Unfortunately, there’s no switch you can just flick, and suddenly find yourself attracted to someone else. But maybe I’ve always just restricted myself to only dating men, without considering other options. I wondered if it was just the little check box at the top of the site which indicated “straight” that was the only thing standing in the way of any of these girls sending me a message and I wondered what would happen if I switched it…Probably nothing, I’d still be straight and possibly on yet another mismatched date I’d have no interest in. Though, the three prettier girls’ profiles sit in the bookmarks tab of my browser and the curiosity remains…

(Okay, so obviously this isn't always true...But you get the joke.)

(Okay, so obviously this isn’t always true…But you get the joke.)

Small World

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I don’t have any new dating website messages to share with you, so I’ll tell you a couple of true short stories…

When I was a teenager MySpace was popular. I only used it to speak to people I already knew, but one day I got a message from a random guy. We had a friend or two in common, so I decided to reply. I was on a break with my then boyfriend and so we chatted every night for a few weeks. A lot of the time we’d talk about his ex. He didn’t seem to be over her. Then one day I got another message from another random guy. I was hesitant to reply, but seeing that I was already speaking to someone I didn’t really know, it couldn’t hurt to start chatting with one more. We would also chat pretty often over the next few weeks. He had an ex he wasn’t quite over as well. I’d share stories about the guy I had been with up until our break and they’d tell me about their ex. It went on for a while until one day one of the guys decided to share their ex’s MySpace page with me. I noticed her a few things on her page. It was the girl the first guy had been describing to me. Turns out they had the same ex they weren’t over, each dated her for a couple of years (not at the same time), and each had stumbled across my page, liked my picture and decided to message me out of the blue. Neither had met the other before. I couldn’t believe the coincidence and when I shared the news with them they were pretty surprised as well. A few days later we decided to hang out as a group and you know the two guys seemed to bond over sharing the ex and actually became friends. Now wasn’t that a cute little story?

Here’s another one…When I joined my first dating site in the summer of 2009, I got a message from a guy about a week later who I wasn’t particularly attracted to, but seemed pretty interesting. We started chatting and before I knew it we became internet friends. He lived a couple of hours away, so we never got around to meeting…for four years. We continued to text and call each other, and remained in touch. There were periods of time we wouldn’t speak for a couple of months and then every once in a while we’d catch each other up on everything. Earlier this year I went on a couple of dates with a guy I’d met at a party. It didn’t really work out, but we were trying to keep up a friendship, so we decided to meet for dinner one night. My schedule had been all over the place that day. I don’t usually plan so much at once, but I was set on not cancelling on anyone and meeting him. So, we met in an area I hadn’t frequented and he took me to a restaurant I’d never heard of. We were waiting to be seated when out of nowhere a guy comes up and shakes my hand. He said it was nice to meet me. I nodded and smiled, but if that wasn’t confusing enough, the next thing he said was my name. It was the guy I’d been speaking to for four years who didn’t live anywhere near there. He recognized me from my pictures and I didn’t recognize him at all –He was in fact a lot more attractive than I’d believed him to be. He so nonchalantly said hello and went back over to have dinner with his sister. I stood there for a good 10 minutes shocked and confused. From miles away, to a city he didn’t visit more than a couple of times a year, he was at a restaurant neither of us had been to before, at the same time I was there, and recognized me. If that wasn’t enough the waitress seated us at a table right next to him and his sister. Also, I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of months at this time and was actually about to text him the night before to catch up, but got tied up with something. I’d love to tell you about the romance that later ensued –but it never happened. Completely friend-zoned at this point in time, I now just have another friend -who’s no longer just some guy I talk to on the phone…But aren’t coincidences awesome?
SMALL_WORLD-1-from-Bob-Wilber

Break-Ups

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I’ve been wondering if there is a “right” way to break up with someone. I’d say it should be done in person because if you’re going to hurt someone, you should have the balls to look them in the eye when you do it. But timing, reason given, and how you put it really has to be considered as well. Then there’s that whole mess of the aftermath and how that’s dealt with. Though, with all of that considered, and all of the times I’ve been broken up with, I still can’t think back at any one of those situations and find a “favorite.” Nope, there isn’t really one I can say, “Oh yeah I preferred that one to the others” about. That’s just like trying to pick your favorite STD. (No, I don’t have any of those.) I guess sometimes it was done a little more poorly, though. Let’s go over them! I think it’s obvious how each could have been done “better.” Maybe you’ll be able to plan out your next dumping a little better after making note of my past…

Time Spent Dating: 1 Month / Age: Early Teens
He instant messaged me to tell me that he was now busy on the only day of the week we had been seeing each other. When I asked about seeing him a different day of the week, he said he was busy then too. Valentine’s Day was about a week away.

Time Spent Dating: 1 Month / Age: Mid-Teens
During an instant message conversation I misspelled a common word. He broke up with me over that in the instant messages. He then told a bunch of people at his school (who I was also friends with) that he had never felt happier to be rid of me. He said it was like the feeling you get when you get a new puppy.

Time Spent Dating: 4 Years / Age: Late-Teens
He did it in yet another instant message conversation after showing interest in someone he’d previously sworn he had no interest in. Though, there were some in-person follow up discussions I initiated, seeing that we were together for so long.

Time Spent Dating: 6 Months (Long Distance) / Age: Early 20’s
He did it in person, after an argument over my indecision in a trivial decision, as I was about to start my 5 hour trip home.

Time Spent Dating: 1 Year / Age: 20’s
He did it in person over a difference of beliefs/lifestyle and personality type. It was after some smiley-face looking forward to seeing you texts. He stayed close for a while, in attempt to help me move on.

Time Spent Dating: A Couple Weeks / Age: 20’s
He sent me a text message after I sent him one asking why he’d been speaking to me less. It was sort of a mutual agreement, he wanted a casual relationship that I didn’t think I was ready for. Though, I hadn’t really set out to end things.

Time Spent Dating: 3 Months / Age: 20’s
He did it in person because we weren’t right for each other and he didn’t think he had time for a relationship -which he didn’t think it was headed for either. He told me this down a random street before we were going to grab some drinks with his friends. –This was right after we had just seen a show together, which was also after just meeting my best friend.

Then there were the three guys I went out with a couple of times who decided to just ignore me out of the blue, and I never heard from them again. The last thing I heard from one of them was “Looking forward to seeing you Tuesday!” in a text before he disappeared off the face of the planet. I suppose that method is worst. You have to spend some time clueless about what’s going on, worried you’re going to sound like you’re checking in too much as you try to figure it out, and eventually feel like a fool for trying. There’s never any closure in that and you never figure out what the hell went wrong…
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Rejecting Your Rejection

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About a week ago I got a message from a guy on a dating site which really wasn’t a bad message. He sent me a well written paragraph about what he felt we had in common, things he found interesting on my profile, and some things he liked. I didn’t have time to reply when I read it, and later went to his profile and found that I really wasn’t interested after all. A couple of days went by and he wrote back…

Random Guy: Now i know why u girls dont respond, because you get nasty rants if you say ur not interested. I’ll tell u what. Lol you would do the same thing (rant) if u send out 50+ with 2 replies. Lol and 1 was a HS friend so that doesnt count. I just dont get it. I’m not sending msgs to models and I dont think my msgs are creepy or anything. What gives? I hope u have some dates lined up and not just declining everyone because u find one thing wrong and ur looking for mr. Perfect. Anyway, thats my rants for the day. I offically quit. Good luck =)
Myself: Actually, I reply to nearly all of the messages I get on here, even when I’m not interested…However, I only do it about once a week. I’m currently dating someone I just met from here, so I’m not interested in meeting anyone new at this time.
And FYI, 95% of the messages I send out don’t get replies. Don’t let it get to you so much.
Random Guy: Lol, I have like a billion things to say to that but its just going to come across all negative so I’ll spare us both and say…..Thanks =)

His first message now sounds like it came from someone else entirely. He thinks the girls on these sites aren’t as attractive as models and therefore we should respond? I’m happy I didn’t respond now that I saw what a jerk he turned into a moment later. -And what is with saying he had “like a billion of things” to say to my reply that would have been negative?! Yeah, I could come up with a bunch of random insults too, but I didn’t need to make him aware of that.

I replied to this message before going on my second date with intellectual-conversation-guy which I figured I’d mention is not happening again. I made up my mind that the dating vibe wasn’t there, but he was a nice guy so I made a sincere attempt at asking for friendship with him. I know, I know it’s such a line to say “let’s just be friends” but seeing that we’d only met each other twice, had had such long conversations, and got along with each other, I thought it’d be weird to just never speak again. But he wasn’t interested in my proposal and then actually tried to turn it around like he was the one rejecting me. I got some sort of apology and we’re not right for each other reply. Hey, you can’t try to reject me after I’ve already turned you down, it doesn’t work that way! After his last text, “Glad we can both be mature about this” I was even further assured I had no interest in him and suppose I’ll have to start the dating cycle from the beginning yet again. At least this time I didn’t get very far into it before returning to the start. I want someone fun again this time. Geez, I’m upsetting guys left and right lately.
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Flirting = Cheating?

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I’ve always kind of believed that there are people who have/would/might cheat on someone and those who haven’t/wouldn’t. I’ve never cheated on someone and don’t think I could. I’ve also never been cheated on as far as I know…But I have been in relationships where there was a lot of flirtation going on behind my back. Most people tell me that flirting doesn’t count as cheating and if I was in a relationship with someone who flirted with another girl, I wouldn’t tell my friends, “He cheated on me.” Though, isn’t that kind of the meaning of the word? A dictionary would say it is to “act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage.” If one hasn’t been faithful to their agreed upon exclusive and monogamous relationship, have they not cheated? If one has been dishonest about their commitment to the other, have they not cheated? Now I don’t at all consider sleeping with another person to be equal to flirting with another, but I still have always seen flirting outside of a relationship to be a very mild form of cheating –yet still cheating. To trick one into believing they’re the only one you have eyes for and then showing interest in another simply isn’t right. If both parties have agreed to the whole thing, alright, sure why not –But if it’s being done behind one’s back, it’s simply dishonest and therefore wrong…in my opinion, anyway.

I don’t think there is such a thing as “innocent” flirting. Of course one is worse, but even if you haven’t been with someone else physically, it’s sometimes a bigger deal to have been with someone else in an emotional way. If the few giggling moments you share with someone else over a comment made is something you would hide from your partner, you have some sort of guilt about it. You’re hiding a brief moment in which you weren’t acting like they were your one and only and weren’t being faithful to them and whatever your said commitment was. If you hide something to preserve your partner’s happiness, you should instead be looking for better ways ensure and enhance their happiness.

This comes up today because of a guy who has been flirting with me –as recently as a week ago- who just changed his FaceBook relationship status to “engaged.” The first thought that ran through my head was, “I really hope this is just one of those ‘only on FaceBook, not in real life’ things.” It was followed by, not the usual –“Someone else got engaged/married/pregnant yet again, am I really that late in all of this?!” thought- But instead I suddenly felt extremely bad for a girl I’d never met before. Believe me, it’s crossed my mind to speak up and fill her in –But I have no way of contacting her, ‘nor am sure if it’s really my place to further interfere. The guy always justified that there was nothing wrong with what he said unless he acted on it. We don’t hang out (though we met a couple of times through friends, years ago) so that he’ll never be tempted. But should someone who has to avoid seeing others to avoid cheating on someone really be getting married to that person? If you really believe flirting isn’t cheating, read through some of these messages from not all that long ago with a guy who’s now engaged and tell me that if you were in his fiancés shoes, you’d still feel that way…

[He first messaged me (after we met about 10 years ago) when I wasn’t happy about my last relationship ending and I had no clue he was in one about 6 months ago…]
Not A Single Guy: if it will make you feel better i will tell you about how i think you’re very hot
Myself: really?
thats nice
thank you
youre an attractive dude
Not A Single Guy: yeah totally, you’re very attractive
why thank you
[We talk about my last relationship and the break-up…]
Not A Single Guy: i am biased on this question by the way, i think a good therapist can be very helpful
because i am in training to be a therapist right now
[We continue the conversation…]
Not A Single Guy: i wish i was finished with my training already and in [LOCATION CENSORED] so i could be your therapist
Myself: ..no that’d be no good ’cause i find you attractive that’d be weird, can’t mix profession with that kinda thing
Not A Single Guy: yeah that’s true
i find you too attractive, we might end up hoooking up
[Says the guy with the girlfriend, I’d have never guessed…]
Myself: yeah, it could be interesting/fun
but probably complicated and worse in the long run
Not A Single Guy: even right now i am looking at all these really cute fb pitctures of you
Myself: aw haha
[The conversation continues…]
Not A Single Guy: don’t tell cuz i am not single
but thinking about hooking up with you turns me on a lot
Not A Single Guy: what do you like in sex?
[If this was a conversation with someone I didn’t know, I’d have stopped replying by now…]
Myself: well if youre not single you should’nt say those things
Not A Single Guy: i just struggle sometimes i can’t help but fantasize
and you are very hot after all
i will be here fantasizing either way, it’s just a matter whether i tell you about it or not i guess
Myself: do you tell your girlfriend that though?
Not A Single Guy: not exactly
i mean she knows i look at porn and stuff and doesn’t care
Myself: well porn doesnt count
Not A Single Guy: but i am not gonna tell her that i look at picture of you in a bathing suit and get turned on
Myself: i dont know, i mean i think flirting is a form of cheating,
not as bad as others, but it still counts
[I go on explaining my opinion on this…]
Not A Single Guy: how about for you? is flirting with me fun?
Myself: well im single
Not A Single Guy: cuz it’s fun for me
so if it’s fun for you let’s keep flirting, i like it
and it’s not as bad as real cheating
and maybe it’s better for you too than going to a bar or whatever
[He says it’s “not as bad” which means he knows it’s still bad, though right?…I changed the subject after that. It stayed that way for a while, then turned into a long sexual conversation. Guess who turned it in that direction?…]

[The next day when we talk he brings up sex again. It’s now a way he tries to turn the conversation every time we talk. One day as he decides to describe what he would like to do with me I reply…]
Myself: can you send these conversations to your girlfriend? i’d feel more comfortable with you saying these things then.
Not A Single Guy: hehe ok ok
just being silly ;P
[Since when did “silly” become explicit sexual descriptions?…We go on discussing a new guy I’ve just met and if I should express my thoughts on not wanting to be in a relationship with him…]
Not A Single Guy: well i know for myself i prefer when someone says something to me rather than just disappear
Myself: youre the one that doesnt think flirting is cheating!
[The conversation continues…]
Not A Single Guy: did you tell anyone about it?
Myself: that I talked to you?
Not A Single Guy: yeah
and we flirted
[Someone feeling guilty?…I explain that hadn’t really mentioned it to anyone but planned on telling my best friend.]
Not A Single Guy: yeah? i would prefer if you didn’t.
Myself: oh, why?
Not A Single Guy: just in general i would prefer if you don’t tell people i was flirting with you
since, you know, i am seeing someone
Myself: then why do something you feel you need to hide
Not A Single Guy: i am working on it… i have been talking to my therapist about it
[We continue discussing me possibly telling my best friend about all of this…]
Not A Single Guy: you know, what if you just tell 1 person
and that person just tells one person
and then that person just tells one person…
and then everyone in [CITY CENSORED] thinks i am a jerk
[So, he knows others would see him as a jerk for this? …I continue to explain that I’m not close with any of the friends we have in common…]
Not A Single Guy: remind me not to tell you anything anymore
Myself: if its that big of a deal i could not say anything,
i just am arguing how i dont see that it is
in this situation
[I hope sharing all of this on an anonymous but public blog doesn’t count as telling anyone about it…]
Not A Single Guy: it wouldn’t feel good to me
there were other things i was thinking but i never said them to you because i figured you didn’t want me to
Myself: what do you mean
Not A Single Guy: i don’t say anymore when i am having thoughts abt you because i got the idea you don’t like it
Myself: i don’t know it just kind of makes me feel bad
Not A Single Guy: yeah it’s ok so i just keep my fantasies to myself now
anyway how’s other stuff?
[We talk some more on another topic and end the conversation…]

[Some days later we’re talking again when he tells me about the fantasies he has had about me…]
Myself: and you feel no guilt ever?
Not A Single Guy: Hmm… That’s a complicated question
But I don’t judge myself for having those fantasies
Myself: no for sharing them
with someone who’s not your girlfriend
about someone else
Not A Single Guy: Sometimes that’s what my mind wants to think about… And it feels good to think about, right?
I don’t think it’s that bad if we keep it to just talking
Myself: so it feels good and not wrong or bad?
Not A Single Guy: Yeah it feels good
Does it feel good for you?
Myself: no, it makes me feel bad for your girlfriend and it makes me feel like im doing something wrong in an uncomfortable and unappealing way. it makes me feel guilty for being one of the reasons she’s being lied to in a way. and it makes me sad because i think more guys must be like this that im going to end up dating, and because you’re probably nice and stuff to your girlfriend and she has no idea.
im surprised i feel that and you feel none of it though
it’d definitely be worse if you ever acted upon the things you think about, but that doesnt make this not bad either.
Not A Single Guy: I do feel some of that but i don’t like to share that so much
Myself: lol
well i mean thats fine, you dont need to tell me about it,
Not A Single Guy: I discuss it with my therapist
Myself: but i mean i think that you should listen to all of that stuff a little more
Not A Single Guy: Fair enough
Ok I won’t talk abt it anymore but can I just tell you one more thing
Nvm nvm
Myself: =/
Not A Single Guy: Anyway
Myself: have you cheated on her with anyone like physically?
Not A Single Guy: No
Myself: not what you consider cheating maybe, but what anyone else might?
Not A Single Guy: No
I know what cheating means
Myself: do you really? lol
Not A Single Guy: I am not laughing out loud
[Really? Because after all you said, I should be under the impression you take cheating so seriously?]
Myself: alright
Not A Single Guy: Anyway I’m sorry I shared that with you
I never had those fantasies, I just made that up, and I don’t think about anyone else besides my girl.
[Is it better to believe this is a lie or that he makes up thinking about me in conversations with me?…]
Myself: no, it’s your girlfriend i wish you’d apologize to, not me.
Not A Single Guy: I am not sorry to you, I mean I regret it
[He changed the subject to school work…]

[Days later I sent him a message…]
Myself: you’re weird.
Not A Single Guy: Why?
Myself: Because you either pretend to be sex obsessed and message people often in that way or you are and yet you have a girlfriend.
Not A Single Guy: :(
please don’t judge me
I am just doing my best. I know I am not perfect
Myself: I didn’t say you had to be perfect..I’m not either..I’m weird for other reasons..But you’re weird

[Some days later we have a conversation about a guy I’ve gone on a couple of dates with…]
Not A Single Guy: i like your profile pic by the way, it’s cute
Myself: thanks.
[It’s a picture of myself with my new kitten.]
she’s sleeping on me right now
its pretty fucking cute
Not A Single Guy: haha i meant you
the kitty is cute too tho
Myself: i know, but shes in it too and shes really cute
Not A Single Guy: true
hehe
[…And then the conversation turned sexual again.]
Myself: but still, i think you’re pretty creepy/weird and would like to hang out in person.
[Yeah, I left out the part of the conversation that explains why I want to hang out with him because I find him creepy/weird. It’s mostly a curiosity of how someone changes when you haven’t seen them in 10 years…]
Not A Single Guy: well maybe when i am down there at some ppoint
like i said, it’s not very often
plus i would be really tempted to rip your clothes off, [XXX CENSORED]
which i probably hsould not do
Myself: yeah but you said youd never cheat on your girlfriend so i believe that u wouldnt and therefore we could still hang out
[Somehow we reached a point in our conversations where I can just pretend he didn’t just say that and continue talking…]
Not A Single Guy: thats true
but part of not cheating is not putting myself in too tempting of situations
and you know that i’d be very tempted to [XXX CENSORED]
and [XXX CENSORED]
Myself: so if someone you found attractive was coming onto you, you think you’d cheat?
like if you were in that situation with no one else around or something
Not A Single Guy: no probably not but it still is better to avoid that situation if i can
Myself: okay
Not A Single Guy: like, i don’t know
if you and me were alone together
maybe you’re wearing some sexy spandex and a low cut top
i’d start staring at your [XXX CENSORED] and getting [XXX CENSORED]
then you’d come sit on my lap, lol
Myself: well i wouldnt be trying to hook up with you if we hung out. i dont do that if i know the guy is seeing someone.
[The conversation continued and ended…]

[Some days later one of those “hi, what’s up?, nothing, you?, nothing” conversations started…]
Not A Single Guy: what are you doing now?
Myself: watched a clip someone posted on fb,
gonna go to sumble upon.com
eat some cookies i baked
Not A Single Guy: hott
Myself: not really
[He turns the conversation to sexual topics again…]
Myself: i bet i could have said anything and you’d have said “hot” you just messaged me so you could try to turn the conversation to sex and see what i’d say
Not A Single Guy: well i wasn’t planning that but yeah i was thinking sexual thoughts about you already regardless of what you said
Not A Single Guy: yeah i was just thinking [XXX CENSORED]
and it reminded me of this fantasy i had about you
Myself: as you told me, you don’t actually have fantasies about me, and you always think abotu your girlfriend.
so whats going on today?
[Conversation continues and ends…]

[Then about two weeks ago we had a conversation about the last guy I’d been dating and randomly in the middle of it…]
Not A Single Guy: Can I ask you some random sex questions?
Never mind it’s not a good idea
[The conversation changed direction for some time…He asked if I wanted to try talking on a webcam and I declined…At some point in the conversation something I wore to a certain event come up, so I showed him a picture…]
Not A Single Guy: What are some of the more revealing pictures of you that have been posted on Facebook
Myself: non existent
Not A Single Guy: What abt like a low cut top?
[This last message was sent less than two weeks before FaceBook announced he got engaged. I really hope it’s one of those FaceBook-only engagements or his finance frequently reads through his messages because now I just feel bad for her.]

Note On The Conversation Posted: I think it was that we hadn’t known each other well or seen each other in years possibly that made him feel like it was okay to say the things he said. It’s like I wasn’t part of reality to him if he just kept typing away behind his computer screen -and it seemed like any other “innocent” porn he could’ve been looking at. Though, I think there should be a difference between someone you’ve hung out with and see on your FaceBook and someone you only know from pornography. I should also mention that the reason our conversations continued was because of the amount of chatting about regular topics that occurred. I left it out of this post, but I thought I’d mention that I didn’t just write him off as a creep and ignore him after that kind of talk because of the pages of conversation in which I felt like he was just like any other friend.

(Update 7/15/2013: Looks like it is indeed a real engagement & not a FaceBook joke, with a “Thank you, everyone!” to the 89 “Congratulations” comments and likes (none of which were from me.) I’m curious as to how my next conversation with this guy will go. Guess I’ll keep you posted when it happens. Oh and a fun little fact -He met the girl he’s engaged to on one of the dating websites I frequent, 2 or 3 years ago.)

(Someone else made this pretty poorly, but it was fitting for this post...)

(Someone else made this pretty poorly, but it was fitting for this post…)

More Dating Website Conversation Fails

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Well, this is the last of what I could find skimming through the old messages in my dating website inboxes…Besides a few old conversations saved in some word documents, this will probably be the last post of my old conversations. After this I guess it’ll be newly exchanged words, and my opinions and experiences in the world of dating…

Random Guy: hey :)
[5 Minutes Later…]
Random Guy: do you like little boys or something?
[…What?!]

Random Guy: Hi! Where in [CITY CENSORED] do you live?
Myself: A [NEIGHBORHOOD DESCRIPTION CENSORED] area
Random Guy: Ok, I think I know where that is. I’d love to meet and chat.
[In my city there are at least 4 well known neighborhoods fitting my description. 30 minutes later…]
Random Guy: I’m also a bad, non kosher, pork eating Jew.
[An hour later…]
Random Guy: Don’t worry, I’m circumcised
[And this is where I officially stop replying.]

Random Guy: I will keep it short and simple. I read your profile. Pretty Interesting. I think you are creative and attractive. By the way, you look great. I have a question for you??
Myself: Thanks, but I’ve yet to find I have any interest in someone with under a 70 or 80% match rating with me on this site.
[After reading up on this site’s algorithms and skimming through profiles over the last few years, I’ve found that I never have interest in someone with a 20-40% match rating. This person was in that range. It’s designed to work accurately enough. Of course you might like someone with a 72% match over someone with a 95% match in real life –But there’s still a huge difference between someone with a 20% match and an 80% match to you.]
Random Guy: Haha. Don’t trust this site to match you. This is cheap site created by few horny guys. That’s the fact.
Myself: Have you read about the math behind the matching? Have you read the articles they posted about what the % means? And that is not a fact because I actually know two people working for the site and that is false about both of them. I don’t think “Oh this person is such a good match for me because of their %” -I’m not an idiot. However, I have YET to find someone I’m even SLIGHTLY interest in who doesn’t have a % over 70. This is because the way people on the site answer their questions generates that %…Well, I’m not going to go into it too much, you can just read about it as I did if you’re interested.
Random Guy: This is all bull. It’s easy to fool regular people like you. Have smart life in future.
Myself: Yes, I’ve been completely fooled by your poor English I was so attracted to. Good luck finding a fuck buddy on here. Good news for you is that people with a close match % to yours will probably be into you as well. Good luck =)
[The “fuck buddy” part was referring to something from his profile…And the fact that he believed it was just “horny guys” controlling the site.]

Dating Games

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Sometimes I wonder why there are still people who “enjoy” the rules of dating. There are people who follow a strict set of rules when dating and actually expect others to obediently play this game as well. “Wait x number of days before calling after a first date”, “Kiss after x number date”, “Don’t talk about any ex’s”, “Don’t say anything too personal on a first date” –And so on and so on. Maybe this is why I keep hearing how “real” I am compared to other dates. I’m often told that it’s refreshing I’m so open. Aren’t the rest of you “real” too?! Why isn’t everyone else just being themselves? Why can’t they just go with the flow? Why do they have to follow some strict dating regiment, rather than just being the beautifully flawed human beings they are? Who are they trying to fool -A potential partner, just at first? Are their dates really hoping to see someone who will only appeal to them at the beginning? Are they getting more out of their closed-off, limited information, “perfect” first impression dates? Isn’t it all kind of a waste of time to act in any other way than what would come naturally to you in any other situation? Is a first date just some sort of formality that they don’t really count as part of getting to know each other?

Most people I know meet someone they like, develop some sort of crush on them, date them, and over time kind of settle into things and the feeling fades. I kind of work in the opposite way where I meet someone who seems like they may have potential for me to like them, I date them, and after a few months I eventually develop some sort of crush on them. This is a problem because usually at the point I start to have feelings for someone, they’ve already grown tired of me and are about to end the relationship. This requires a search for not only someone with potential for me, but also who’s patient enough to stick with me, though I can’t guarantee I’ll ever like them. They’re rare –But they do exist! From what I’ve found, they’re usually the better kind of dates too. They’re the loyal types who will believe in you.

The first three to five dates or so are always tough for me. I’m never nervous about how I come off or how the date is going when I’m on it, as I mentioned I’ve always been myself for better or for worse. A kind of “this is me, I have nothing to hide, I have flaws, but if you put up with them you’ll get to see the awesome side of me too” approach. -But there’s a constant fear of the guy making some sort of move –especially if it’s going well, as the odds of it happening are usually a little higher. A little voice saying, “please don’t try to kiss me” will be going off in my head every time they’re close to me -and I know I’m not part of the majority in this if it’s going well, but I need some extra time at this stage. I also have to hope they’re the kind of guy who’s cool with me expressing my thoughts and feelings on this. I’ve never had trouble explaining precisely how I feel, but I’ve had trouble finding guys who appreciate this. I take some extra time to grow comfortable around someone new -and I need comfort to really enjoy a date. Each date generally means some more progress should be made and you move forward. I guess you could say I like to take things slow –But so slow I like it to kind of pause around the second date for a while. I start dreading the next date knowing the guy will be expecting things to move along, and I’m hoping to kind of dock them where they are for a bit.

My preference in dating seems to be an extremely gradual build up to everything. A move too early and at it kind of puts a damper on the whole thing. It’s even more nerve racking when I have a good feeling about the guy. It could all be so easily ruined oh so soon. Of course there is a balance. If too much time goes by that awkward friend-zone line could be passed. And the hardest part is knowing most girls aren’t like me at all. Most guys know they’ve blown it if the girl expected a kiss goodnight and didn’t get it. Most guys are probably expecting me to be like most girls and figure I want to be treated in the same way. How is a guy (or a girl) to know what’s part of a game, what’s too soon, too late, or just right with each and every girl (or guy)? If only most girls and most guys would stray from these dating games we could all go into our dates totally with a clean slate. No assumptions. No expectations. Just totally clueless as we all honestly are anyway. Then maybe we would all be a lot more clear in what we wanted and avoid all of this uneasy confusion. In the meantime, before my public service announcement on dating games gets any global reach, I suppose I’ll stick to vocalizing what I want on dates -and maybe even getting myself to make a first move when I want it to be made.
dating-rules

Open-Minded Opinions

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This is a conversation –or rather a rant I went off on- with someone from a dating website that I had about a year ago…

Random Guy: how can you say you are looking for someone open minded and in the next sentence say they can’t have views differing from yours ?
Myself: Never did I say “I’m looking for someone who can’t have different views from mine.” I chose my words how I did and I stick by them. It’s not my fault if people would like to interpret them differently. I love when people say “you said you’re open-minded, but you said you don’t like *whatever thing*” -as if people really believe being open minded is the same thing as not having an opinion. When you’re open-minded you try things out. You try different foods. Some of them you like, some you don’t. You date different people. Some of them you like, some of them you don’t. You keep an open mind to find out what you like and not to assume you don’t like something before trying it. You don’t keep an open mind because you don’t ever want to develop an opinion or your own tastes. I have no problem with people whose views differ from mine, however through my open-minded experiences I found what works for me when it comes to being in a relationship with someone. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to or not attracted to someone else for some reason or another. If physical appearance can be one of those reasons, views can be of an equal or greater importance. That does not make someone close-minded. It’s unrelated. Someone who says they hate apples and has never tried one is close-minded. Someone who bites into an apple and says they hate apples is open-minded. Expressing their view of the hatred of apples does not make them close-minded after trying one.
Random Guy: No one said you can’t form your own opinions but saying that you are open minded (which to me would mean that you are open to other peoples opinions and try to see their points of view)and at the same time say that a very larger and varied group of people you will not want to see just because of what party they might prefer and without knowing anything else about seems a little hypocritical. What if someone agrees with you on 49% of issues but decides to vote [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] because they agree with them on slightly more issues or issues they care about more, is that really a reason not to want to associate with them ?
Myself: I’m not open minded from other people’s opinions and trying to see their point of view? How about I dated someone with completely opposite religious views of mine? And guess what I did in that relationship? I was fucking open-minded. And little by little guess what, I fell in love anyway. We did not have the same views, but because I am open-minded we made it work. For a year. And it was the best relationship I was ever in. It eventually ended because of how he felt about our differences in those beliefs. And do you know what I got out of dating people with other views than mine, guess what I learned, when it comes to certain topics/certain issues I do not have a good relationship for this or that reason when we don’t share certain views. That has nothing to do with being open-minded. I’ve dated a [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] guy. I liked him too. There are just certain things that we clash with and I find it not possible to have the relationship I want with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, when it comes to certain things that are important to me. How is that at all not having an open mind?! Where are you coming up with 49%?! Where did I say I wouldn’t associate with someone like that?! This is a damn dating profile where you find someone you want to be in a relationship with. Just because I talk about the type of relationship I want to be in, with the type of person I’d (way down the line) like to marry, it has nothing to do with me not associating with other types of people or not being friends with them. You’re putting words in my mouth, false statements, making up %’s -And you wonder why I don’t like [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED]?! (The last sentence was a joke.) I am open-minded and I have an opinion and I know certain aspects in people, and certain views they hold, that cause me to have a good relationship with them or an okay/bad relationship with them. And I have dated people who believe completely opposite things as me. I’m the person who bites into the apple before deciding they don’t like it. Don’t accuse me of being someone who goes around saying they don’t like apples without trying them. –And being open minded is not continuing to eat apples when you don’t like them –That’s just being stupid. I’m sorry my profile misleads you that way, but you’re reading it the way you want to, and not actually reading what it says. You’re throwing in sentences that aren’t there.
OpenMinded_JOJOJOJO

Approached By More Strangers (Part 2)

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I mentioned that yesterday I was approached by two guys while waiting for a date. Here’s the rest of the story…

After a little more waiting I noticed the first guy was still around the area. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to my date to exchange numbers with someone else, but what if this date didn’t work out? What if I didn’t see him again after that night? What if I’d like this other guy more? Okay, so he was attractive and maybe looked a little more adventurous and fun than my date seemed to be. Maybe it was the pretty blue eyes, the tattoos, and skateboard that called to the inner teen in me. And maybe I’ve been on a more adventurous and fun streak than the settle down with the right kind of guy route this last month or so. I’ve been starting to realize I’m no longer quite in the mood to find the completely “right” guy. I write here about the wrong ones and my disappointment in serious dating, but maybe I don’t exactly want something so serious anymore? I was all set to settle down when my last real relationship ended, and although that was disappointing, maybe it’s not what I want with my next relationship. The “right” guy can be fun, and a fun guy isn’t necessarily the “wrong” guy, but there’s a different tone in a relationship when you’re with someone just because it’s fun. The last guy I dated wasn’t right for me. We both knew that. But maybe I didn’t want it to end, not because I’d be single and have to search for a new date –But because it was fun? Maybe I do just want to be with someone fun right now. –So, I walked back over to the first guy…

Myself: So, who are you waiting for?
Random Guy1: No one.
Myself: Well, why don’t you give me your number in case this date doesn’t work out. It’s only a second date anyway.
Random Guy1: Sure. [PHONE NUMBER CENSORED]
Myself: [I saved the number in my phone.]
Random Guy1: I’m [FIRST NAME CENSORED]
Myself: [MY NAME CENSORED]
Random Guy1: I used to work for them! [He pointed to the brand name on my shoes.]
Myself: Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to go wait over there.
Random Guy1: Are you sure he’s coming?
Myself: Yes, I think he is.
Random Guy1: Alright, well if he doesn’t, call me.
Myself: Okay.

I went on my date with intellectual-conversation-guy and the I-want-to-date-this-guy vibe just wasn’t there. We wrapped it up early, I chipped in for dinner and headed home. I don’t have anything negative to report other than I wasn’t excited about the prospect of him in my love life. I’m also not positive, but I think the guy I’d exchanged numbers with was in the same restaurant as us, eating alone. It was a little creepy because I wasn’t sure if he’d followed me, it was a coincidence, or it wasn’t him at all. I texted the random guy from earlier after my date, anyway. Turns out I have a few more years on him than I’d assumed/hoped. I guess that’s what stirred my inner-teenage-drive? Not sure it’s a great idea to pursue a guy who may be legal, but who can’t legally buy you a drink. …Or maybe this is just where I get some early practice at being a cougar in the future? That’s the problem with looking younger than you are –Guys either assume you’re 14 and ignore you, or else 14 is actually a lot closer to their age than yours. I can’t wait until this is the good thing they’ve been telling me about once I hit 30 or 40.

Approached By More Strangers (Part 1)

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So, tonight I was waiting out in public again -this time I was a little early for a second date with intellectual-conversation-guy. I was approached by two different guys in my 10 minute wait…

Random Guy1: Are you waiting for someone?
Myself: Yeah. Aren’t most people standing around over here?
Random Guy1: [He shrugged] So is it a date, who you’re waiting for?
Myself: Yeah, a second date.
Random Guy1: Oh, so what are you guys going to do?
Myself: Dinner.
Random Guy1: I see, well have a nice night then. I hope it goes well.
Myself: Thanks.
[I guess he was hoping I was waiting around for just a friend…]

Random Guy2: High five! [He held up his hand.]
Myself: Why? [I gave him a high five.]
Random Guy2: Because they’re awesome and you look like someone who I’d really like to high five.
Myself: Alright then?
Random Guy2: Yeah!
Myself: Okay?
Random Guy2: So, are you waiting for someone you’re meeting here?
Myself: A date.
Random Guy2: Oh, so why do you look a little uneasy or sort of nervous?
Myself: Oh, well it’s a second date. I don’t really know him yet.
Random Guy2: Ohh, I see. Well, good luck with that and you should give him a high five when you see him.
Myself: Okay, thanks.
[Well, that’s one way to approach someone new…]

Who knew dating sites and bars were this unnecessary when all of this time I could just stand around a public place and wait for guys to approach me?…

(Find Part 2 Of This Story In The Next Post…)

Dating Website Conversations That Went Nowhere

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I went through some more messages in my dating website inbox. Here are some bad conversations which went nowhere on one site. Most of these are from a year ago or more…

Random Guy: mmmm
Myself: Yeah, you put a lot of thought into that message, I really want to reply.
Random Guy: You totally did reply, though.
: (
Myself: Yes, I replied with sarcasm.

Random Guy: I beleive in santa claus?
Myself: Fake profile as it’s hardly filled out, or attempt at being unique and hoping for a reply…
Random Guy: who has time 4 this
[Obviously not the guy who doesn’t have the time to spell out “for”…]

Random Guy: I’m wondering if you’d like to hang out with me this week.
Myself: I think it’ll take me a while to meet someone in person from here.
Random Guy: “My Turn Off’s: Not being open minded, ” [This is something he copy and pasted from my old profile.]
Myself: I don’t see how the two are related. One is a safety/comfort issue.

Random Guy: hi. you are way out of my league but maybe we can be besties? im great at errands and, um, all of that. wait nevermind how embarassingg. haha sorry! you rule! can i just paypal you for no reason?! eek
[I told him I wasn’t over someone, which was true at the time…It’s nicer than adding the part about how strange the message is.]

And then there was the time I gave a real answer to a guy I wasn’t interested in…

Random Guy: Why is it so hard to meet someone it feels right to be with.
Myself: Everyone is very different in many different ways. It’s rare to find someone who’s weaknesses pair well with your strengths (and vice versa), who has things in common with you enough to generally be on the same page with you in most situations, and who’s faults you can stand because of enough positivity in the rest of their personality traits. People have different priorities in relationships and you have to find someone who is strong enough in the categories most important to you, and what they lack only shows up in areas that don’t matter so much to you.
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Unanswered Dating Website Messages

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I’ve been going through the old messages in my inbox and I came across a few I never replied to from a couple of years ago…

Random Guy: peek aboo I see you
[…If that’s not creepy as a first message on an online dating website, I don’t know what is.]

Random Guy: I’m awesome. You’re awesome. Let’s make awesome babies… woah woah hold on young lady. Let’s take it slow and get to know each other first. Me + you + frisbee + banana split, let’s do it
[…What?]

Random Guy: I found your profile interesting. I am not sure why; perhaps because it is well-written, and because you seem to have such a clear idea of who you are and what you want.
I don’t know if you’re still seeing someone, but I am, so I’m not looking for a date. Just a little conversation, and maybe a friend.
Anyway, our tastes do differ on many things, but I got a sense that we share something more essential in common, and might get along. And, of course, conversation is more interesting when you disagree now and then….
I love cats; my girlfriend and I have two, and we talk about them all the time.
[…We have nothing in common and you have a girlfriend, but you’re messaging me when my profile indicates I’m looking for someone to date.]

Random Guy: You are ridiculous.
[…Okay?]

Random Guy: re you having a fun night? I’m pretty new to this have you been on here for long? I definitely noticed a few freaks so I’m going to like this!
Anyway I liked your profile and if you like mine then message me back. If you didn’t like mine let me know what to change so at least I can get it perfect!
[…Because that’s what I want, someone who will design their profile to be what I’d like to hear and nothing like them.]

Random Guy: Hi !
I took the time to read your profile. Nice job…lol..Took me 3 years to read it :P. And I can understand some people may think you are picky or t2 specific but I think you just know what you want and that is rare nowadays.Let’s hang out. I think we could be great friends.We have many things in common.
[NAME CENSORED]
[NAME CENSORED]
[NAME CENSORED]
[10 Minutes Later…]
Random Guy: I can tell you that the type of guy you look for.Is using a website like this :). And I am not talking about my self. Well……Maybe……Only a little bit… JA ! I mean if not, how would you expect to find it here O.o ? just being a bit Philosophical. :P
[NAME CENSORED]
[The next day…]
Random Guy: So you don’t wanna say hi ??
[A week later…]
Random Guy: [MY USERNAME CENSORED] indeed.
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Dating Website Conversation #9

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Skimming through old messages I found this conversation from a couple of years ago. I’m really surprised I even responded!…

Random Guy: Okay, so listen, I’ve gotta ask — are you really as ticklish as you look?
Myself: I am not ticklish at all. I was as a kid, but then it went away for some reason.
Random Guy: can’t be. you must still have some spots. fess up
Myself: Nope, none.
Random Guy: you’re too cute to be completely non-ticklish… sorry, i still just don’t buy it. here’s the $64,000 question — does being tickled make you feel submissive?
Myself: It really doesn’t do anything to me.
Sorry, [USERNAME CENSORED] no longer has an account.

Asked Out & Rejected By The Same Stranger

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Today I was out in public meeting up with an old friend. I pulled out my phone to locate him when a stranger, probably around my age range, and generally attractive (though, not my type) approached me…

Random Guy: “Did you know it’s illegal to text in [OUR LOCATION CENSORED]?”
Myself: “Well, I’m not texting. I’m about to call my friend because I’m meeting him here and I don’t see him.”
Random Guy: “Oh, well wait don’t call yet, I have to ask you something!”
[I call my friend and locate him about 10 seconds later. He awkwardly stands and waits while I finish the conversation with the stranger. He’s the type of friend that would be cool with this. Why the random guy didn’t feel uncomfortable by my friend’s presence is a mystery to me. He did introduce himself to my friend, at least…]
Random Guy: “If a guy came up to you and told you that he thought you were really pretty, what would you say?”
Myself: “I would say ‘thank you’ –I think that’s something most people would go with.”
Random Guy: “Yeah, that is a good answer. You know what a better answer would be? ‘Wow, that compliment meant so much to me and I found it so incredibly touching that I really owe you and I want to go out on a date with you.’”
Myself: “Do you get that answer often? Is that what girls tell you?”
Random Guy: “Well, I used to go up to them and ask if they would kiss me.”
Myself: “Yeah, most of them probably wouldn’t go for that. You’d need to find the right type who would.”
Random Guy: “A couple of them would kiss me. Most of the time it didn’t work out well. So, how about we exchange numbers?”
Myself: “But I don’t know you!”
Random Guy: “Yeah but how else will we get to know each other? We could go out and talk and get to know each other.”
Myself: “Um, well wouldn’t I just be one of like hundreds of people you’ve done this with? I’d go out with you, but you’d be going out with lots of other girls who agreed to this too?”
Random Guy: “I don’t know, but you should let me put my number in your phone.”
[Nights of loneliness ran through my mind and I had a brief moment of “aw, what the hell…”]
Myself: “Alright, what’s your number?”
Random Guy: “That’s a huge case on your phone.”
Myself: “No, it has a keyboard attached.”
Random Guy: “Oh. Okay, but you have to actually text me, though –This isn’t high school.”
Myself: “Okay, fine! I’ll text you, the random guy in my phone. -But right now I’m going to spend some time with my friend.”
Random Guy: “Nah, you know what. I can’t. I don’t date 14 year olds.”
Myself: “I’m [MY EXACT AGE CENSORED]!”
[He walked away in the middle of my revealing my age –which is in my 20’s. I shrugged it off and grabbed some dinner with my friend.]

Tonight I also met/had my first date with intellectual-conversation-guy. His profile and messages actually gave a pretty good representation of himself! If my posts here start lacking quality, you know why.
PS- It made me a little nervous to see my page views jump from 300 to over 2,500 overnight but I’m glad you’re all enjoying this and I hope to keep it up for you =)

The Dating Cycle

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Dating is exhausting. It’s an endless cycle one needs to repeat unless they’d rather remain single. Sure, I guess there are rare instances where it works out and stops –people do marry, and some don’t even get divorced…But then there’s that other chunk of us who scroll through our FaceBook newsfeeds day after day and wonder how it’s possible another person we know has gotten married, engaged, or pregnant each and every day when we haven’t even added anyone new in the longest time. Most of us witnessing this phenomenon are in our 20’s and 30’s, and have probably wondered about hitting our 40’s and see it all changing to “so and so’s relationship status has changed to divorced” day after day. Those of us dating over the last less-than-10 years are really the first to experience this social media craze in which our relationships are now broadcast more than ever. It’s a new norm we’re settling into and feeling the pressure of “keeping up” with those around us even more. Early into your 20’s is when you can still remember all too well, the general reaction being “Oh no!” over “Congratulations” upon finding out about someone’s pregnancy…But after some time it settles in that you’re an adult now. Only, sometimes dating doesn’t feel so adult. People play games, there seem to be unwritten rules to these games, and then we find many who just end up acting childish.

It’s the cycle that tires me. -The one in which you meet someone new, you think they may have some potential of being the type of person you’ll develop feelings for, and so you spend time with the person again and again. You talk and talk. You ask each other questions. You explain yourself to them, and learn about every bit of them that you can. You share and experience with them, all until you’ve developed some sort of positive connection. Money is spent. Thoughts are spent. Time is spent. You make sure you don’t check in too much, but still call just enough. Though, “just enough” is a different amount for everyone. You slowly work on getting used to someone new, feeling comfortable around them, understanding them, and hopefully they develop an understanding of you as well. You put your best impression out there while remaining yourself and the not-so-great rest of you is eventually exposed, as well as the other’s. You might even feel “love” (however you may define it) at some point beyond feeling “like.” And then when you’ve completed exhausted all of your energy doing this and feeling comfortable and accomplished in all you’ve gotten through, one of you will crush the other. One of you will end the relationship. And if the rejection, and acknowledgment of no longer being able to speak to or see someone you’ve come so accustomed to being with so often isn’t devastating enough, the fact that you will now need to repeat this entire process from the beginning with someone new will be. Even if you are one of those people that can eventually look back at something and remember the good, appreciate the experience, learn, and enjoy for the sake of experiencing, it still takes some time for that to settle in.

Now all of that is “best” case scenario, I must remind you that before you even get to “you meet someone who you think might have potential” you meet a lot of people who don’t. You weed through them on the internet, or in real life. You go to parties, to bars, to shows, to social gatherings of every type. You meet, and meet until you find someone who just “might” and even then they might not end up being a great match for you. There’s also often rejection in asking someone out, which is an even more personal type than the kind you might get on a job interview…Remind me again why those moments you shared where you were laughing and close outweigh the downsides of dating? Or is it that people get to a point where either the loneliness or in-the-moment good feeling temporarily blinds us from what dating is really like? Don’t forget the relationship quarrels as well! When my last relationship ended I found the fact that I’d have to start the cycle of dating from the beginning all over again, more upsetting than the fact that this person would no longer be a big part of my life. Maybe it’s just harder on introverts. Whether you’ve associated yourself with being an introvert, extrovert, or neither, I recommend reading “Quiet, The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking.” (I’m sure it’s on amazon.com or something.) Introverts like social interaction, but are drained by too much of it. I know that for me personally, the amount of social interaction one must go through to find a date has always been pretty draining. Enough dating can make one think, “is it really so bad to settle?” But I got a text from intellectual-conversation-guy which means a first in-person meeting is in the works…And so, I move into the next stage of the cycle…again.
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Dating Website Inbox

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I don’t have a great post for you today because I’ve actually been enjoying most of my recent social interactions again, but I’ll still leave you with something. Oh, and apparently people only like to read blogs with pictures, so I’m going back through my posts and adding pictures to some of them for you.

I love how original some of the messages I get on these dating sites are…
Message From [FIRST NAME CENSORED]115: Hi my name is [FIRST NAME CENSORED]
[Really? I’d have never guessed that from your username.]

Let’s continue scrolling through my inbox of unanswered messages from this past week…
Random Guy 1: Gi
Random Guy 1: Hi
[Seriously? Who makes a typo in a two-letter-word message to someone they’ve never sent an e-mail to before?]
Random Guy 2: Hi how are you tonight?
Random Guy 3: hi!!!
[Because the exclamation points make it original, right?]
Random Guy 4: Hey what’s going on??
[May I remind you these messages are (the first) e-mails in an inbox on a dating site. NOT from the use of a chat program on the dating site.]
Random Guy 5: Heyyy!! How are you doing? :)
Random Guy 6: Hello
Random Guy 7: Hello. My name is [FIRST NAME CENSORED]. How is it going?
Random Guy 8: Hey how are you? You seem fun so I wanted to say hello! Got anything good planned for your weekend? –[FIRST NAME CENSORED]
[Hey, look at you adding a second question…]
Random Guy 9: Hey
Random Guy 10: Heyy I just bumped into your profile and found it pretty interesting. . do you mind chatting?
[Yes, I mind. That’s why you didn’t get a reply. See, you didn’t even need to ask the question to find out the answer!]
Random Guy 11: Hey how are you doing tonight ?
Random Guy 12: Hey how are you ..? I would definitely like to get to know you better ..so get back to me :-)
Random Guy 13: Hey
[That last one came in as I was posting this…]

I should point out that I didn’t post four messages which either said some version of “you’re sexy” or a short description of themselves which could also be found on their profile. But that is 4 out of 14 nearly identical messages…
So, if you’re a guy actually hoping for a reply to your initial message to a girl on a dating site, keep in mind that this is probably what her inbox looks like already and try to come up with something a little more interesting.

Tired Of Dating Guy & Bad Timing

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A few months ago I met a guy at a party. We were in the middle of a good conversation as the party was winding down, so we headed to over my place. We continued talking throughout the night until we passed out around 7am. “Talking” wasn’t code name for anything -Nothing happened. When I woke up he was gone. There was no note, nothing left behind. It was the strangest feeling, like a one night stand (which I’ve never had anyway) -but without the sex- possibly making it even more depressing. Thanks to technology, I found him on the internet shortly after. He seemed interested in seeing me again. A few days later I invited him to a comedy show and got, “Sorry, I just met someone and we really hit it off, so I’m not interested in dating anyone else at this time.” I’d missed my opportunity in just a few days? Whatever happened to “you should wait a few days before calling after a first date?” Are you supposed to follow the damn rules or not? (Typically, I don’t.) It’d been a decent chunk of months since that day, so I decided to check in with him the other night and see if he wanted to hang out. Now, I found his blunt honesty pretty attractive, however it no longer seemed we were interested in the same thing. In just those few months he’d gone from searching for a date to searching just for sex. I know “all guys want sex” and all of that, but don’t we all sort of grow out of that “Woo, let’s just hook up!” phase by our early twenties or so? Maybe not. Either way, the timing was all off in yet another episode in the world of dating, and I will continue to be tired of the whole damn thing. I guess that’s just how dating leaves people after a while –you settle, give up, or just end up looking for sex. Here is a little (somewhat cut-down version) of the actual conversation…

Myself: hi, wanna hang out ever?
Tired Of Dating Guy: Lol sure, can I ask if the extracurricular activities that might have been on the table the first time we hung out still on the table (maybe)?
Myself: I don’t think I understand your question??
Tired Of Dating Guy: [There’s an elaboration on making out/etc. here…] I trying to refer to that in the least sleazy way and now it still sounds sleazy
Myself: Ohh…Well that’s kind of awkward to discuss? I mean, I don’t know I am single or whatever [Elaboration on being single…]…So if you ever saw me you’d just be interested in like hooking up, though?
Tired Of Dating Guy: Yeah it is awkward but I’ve been in a funk and frankly I put more weight in honestly. [Elaboration on me being single…] And no I’m cool with just hanging out but let’s be honest I’m a guy, we always think about hooking up.
[I love that he lumps himself into such a stereotyped category of guys.]
Tired Of Dating Guy: My apologies if that’s too blunt
Myself: I’m good with the honesty. [I continue to explain what I’m looking for…] I guess you’d have sounded like too much of an asshole if you just went with “Well yeah, I have no interest in seeing you except to hook up with you in some way…”
[We go on discussing what he’s looking for…]
Tired Of Dating Guy: And yes the past 4 months or so I’ve gone through some short periods of seeing someone and none of the situations panned out so I took a step back and at this point if any situation came up for me I’d prefer a more casual or no strings type of thing
[The rest of the conversation is sort of me just speaking through a long sigh as he tells me it’s all he’s looking for now.]

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