There’s Sex & There’s Sex

One question on a dating website asks, “What’s your opinion of the phrase ‘making love’ when it refers to sex? a) It’s beautiful, b) It’s hokey and over sentimental, c) It refers to a very specific kind of sex, d) It’s no better or worse than any other.” On that topic…

Of course on some level whatever vocabulary is used, the act itself basically remains the same, however there is something different about sleeping with someone you’re in a relationship with verses with someone you’re in a “no strings attached” situation with. If you’re not in love, this act is by no means an expression of love you share. While you can “act” or play some things out when you care for someone, there is no way to on demand produce feelings for another you haven’t felt any for. When you deeply care for someone the act itself becomes something with numerous emotions attached. A certain stress of their thoughts and feelings linger above you and your own. Catching a partner’s eye or smile in the middle is an entirely different wordless-conversation than with someone you’re with purely for the action…

If it starts in a dimly lit bedroom, in silence with a lingering look, slowly leaning in for a kiss, with bodies beginning to reach closer, followed by gentle brushes of hair and soft caresses on skin, silent requests with unspoken cues, following clothing gradually vanishing, eyes meeting at moments for an intimate exchange beyond touch and spoken word, and with movements in unison, beginning with acts which only sound poetic and distant from instinctive and primal ritual, it only seems erroneous to identify this as equivalent to what you might experience in other circumstances…

The above can be enjoyable, but compared to alternative situations, cannot possibly be lumped into the same category as shuffling through a crowd, and suddenly stumbling together into a graffiti-covered bathroom, being pushed up and against a wall, and quickly moving to remove articles of each other’s clothing, with hasty requests being spat out, eyes catching just a glimpse of the each other’s bodies, while grabbing hold of hair, with hands rapidly making their way across skin, and kissing like time is about to run out…

When you’re not in bed with someone you care for more than any other friend, a different tone is set. The focus may briefly shift, but the emphasis remains in a more selfish realm. Your concern isn’t necessarily for the other person’s satisfaction, and rather it’s directed towards your own. To be fair, of course one can’t expect to coast along without any effort given. It’s definitely a mutual exchange of satisfying acts, but without true concern for the other at a deeper level, it winds up with each individual seeking their own pleasure, above the satisfaction of the other. While it isn’t a meaningless act, it’s only meaningful to each individual, rather than being an exclusively shared experience. This isn’t to say one may not also find satisfaction themselves when giving pleasure to another. With that in mind, it does of course remain a united experience. Without an emotional bond, you’re free to shift the spotlight to your own needs. In a rush of a loss of inhibition, it can be liberating to let your self-interest exceed the expectation of another. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember everything in moderation is best. You will be walking on thin ice if you become too selfish and expect something from another without any type of reciprocation for their contribution. No one should ever “use” someone else, unless both parties are equally “using” each other. (Also see my post “Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship” if you ever find yourself in this type of situation.)

(Oh how sexist.)

(Oh how sexist.)

Open-Minded Opinions

This is a conversation –or rather a rant I went off on- with someone from a dating website that I had about a year ago…

Random Guy: how can you say you are looking for someone open minded and in the next sentence say they can’t have views differing from yours ?
Myself: Never did I say “I’m looking for someone who can’t have different views from mine.” I chose my words how I did and I stick by them. It’s not my fault if people would like to interpret them differently. I love when people say “you said you’re open-minded, but you said you don’t like *whatever thing*” -as if people really believe being open minded is the same thing as not having an opinion. When you’re open-minded you try things out. You try different foods. Some of them you like, some you don’t. You date different people. Some of them you like, some of them you don’t. You keep an open mind to find out what you like and not to assume you don’t like something before trying it. You don’t keep an open mind because you don’t ever want to develop an opinion or your own tastes. I have no problem with people whose views differ from mine, however through my open-minded experiences I found what works for me when it comes to being in a relationship with someone. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to or not attracted to someone else for some reason or another. If physical appearance can be one of those reasons, views can be of an equal or greater importance. That does not make someone close-minded. It’s unrelated. Someone who says they hate apples and has never tried one is close-minded. Someone who bites into an apple and says they hate apples is open-minded. Expressing their view of the hatred of apples does not make them close-minded after trying one.
Random Guy: No one said you can’t form your own opinions but saying that you are open minded (which to me would mean that you are open to other peoples opinions and try to see their points of view)and at the same time say that a very larger and varied group of people you will not want to see just because of what party they might prefer and without knowing anything else about seems a little hypocritical. What if someone agrees with you on 49% of issues but decides to vote [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] because they agree with them on slightly more issues or issues they care about more, is that really a reason not to want to associate with them ?
Myself: I’m not open minded from other people’s opinions and trying to see their point of view? How about I dated someone with completely opposite religious views of mine? And guess what I did in that relationship? I was fucking open-minded. And little by little guess what, I fell in love anyway. We did not have the same views, but because I am open-minded we made it work. For a year. And it was the best relationship I was ever in. It eventually ended because of how he felt about our differences in those beliefs. And do you know what I got out of dating people with other views than mine, guess what I learned, when it comes to certain topics/certain issues I do not have a good relationship for this or that reason when we don’t share certain views. That has nothing to do with being open-minded. I’ve dated a [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] guy. I liked him too. There are just certain things that we clash with and I find it not possible to have the relationship I want with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, when it comes to certain things that are important to me. How is that at all not having an open mind?! Where are you coming up with 49%?! Where did I say I wouldn’t associate with someone like that?! This is a damn dating profile where you find someone you want to be in a relationship with. Just because I talk about the type of relationship I want to be in, with the type of person I’d (way down the line) like to marry, it has nothing to do with me not associating with other types of people or not being friends with them. You’re putting words in my mouth, false statements, making up %’s -And you wonder why I don’t like [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED]?! (The last sentence was a joke.) I am open-minded and I have an opinion and I know certain aspects in people, and certain views they hold, that cause me to have a good relationship with them or an okay/bad relationship with them. And I have dated people who believe completely opposite things as me. I’m the person who bites into the apple before deciding they don’t like it. Don’t accuse me of being someone who goes around saying they don’t like apples without trying them. –And being open minded is not continuing to eat apples when you don’t like them –That’s just being stupid. I’m sorry my profile misleads you that way, but you’re reading it the way you want to, and not actually reading what it says. You’re throwing in sentences that aren’t there.
OpenMinded_JOJOJOJO