Trolling A Troll

Posted on November 10, 2016 by TiredOfDating

It’s probably not actually related, but I will remember it for this reason: Donald Trump was elected president of the United States on the day I got my first dick pic. My cellphone chirped in the middle of the night, waking me. (I keep it on because I know no one will call unless it’s an emergency.) I don’t even have to click on the message to see in the preview it’s a dick pic. I didn’t realize how upsetting it could be. I’m not traumatized, no, nothing like that, but I felt oddly somewhat violated. I hadn’t wanted to see that, I’d been woken up, it startled me, and it disgusted me. I’ve been attracted to both men and women, but a random image of a dick has never been an attractive image, yet a lot of men still don’t seem to realize this. I quickly smirked to myself a moment later; “Well, that’s never happened before. That was the first,” I thought. Without even thinking about it I immediately deleted it and tried to fall back asleep. But, I couldn’t fall asleep. Now I was wondering if I shouldn’t have deleted it in case I need to use it as evidence. Then I start wondering if there’s an app that will bring it back. Then I start wondering who sent it. Did it belong to the person who sent it? Why did they send it? Was it a prank? Was someone laughing at the idea of me receiving it? Was it a wrong number? Was it one of the people I’d messaged on a dating site? How did they have my number? Did I give my number to a creep at some point in time? Did someone give my number out? Is my number listed somewhere? Was someone upset with me? Do they know who I am? Did someone think I’d actually want that picture? Unless requested or in some kind of relationship, this seems completely inappropriate. It shouldn’t have gone on for hours, but it did and I didn’t get much sleep.

My first reaction had been to ignore it and hope it went away, but I woke up determined to get some sort of revenge. I Googled the phone number, but could only confirm it wasn’t spam and it belonged to someone with a zip code in my city. I typed it into FaceBook, but didn’t get very far. I looked through my physical address books to confirm it wasn’t someone I knew that I’d lost touch with. When I got to my office I checked the company directory and it didn’t belong to anyone at my job either. I blocked my number and dialed theirs. I’d pretend I was calling to sell them printer toner. I’d start out, “Hello, Mr…I’m sorry, how do you pronounce your name?” and see if they’d fall for telling me their name. It went to voicemail. I’d Google dick pics and I’d send one back. I’d come on to them as a guy. It might have been sent by a straight, homophobic guy who’d lose it over that. But it’s been done too many times. It was just before lunch time and I decided I’d scare them worse than homophobia. I texted, “This is Jason’s mother. Who would send something like that to a seven year old boy?! I just picked him up from school and we’re going straight to the police!” They never responded.

3rd Time Meeting The New Guy

Posted on October 11, 2016 by TiredOfDating

I spent most of the new guy’s birthday nervously awaiting seeing him that evening. I’ve always been bad at withholding information or being dishonest, but I also didn’t think someone I was dating would like to hear that I’d slept with someone else just under 24 hours before them on their birthday. It was all so out of character for me. I discussed the situation with a friend over instant messages. Their modified advice -after I insisted on having to say something was: “Tell him that you are interested in him, but that you wanted to have a fling with this guy who you’ll never see again. And then even if he doesn’t want to sleep with you today, I would almost guarantee that it won’t matter and there would still be the chance to see where it goes at another time. He can’t be upset that while you were single you hooked up with a guy from out of town whom you’ve known for far longer than him, and had plans to hang out with even before you knew him. You might have to explain it to him that way. But that’s the only way it is. He may be upset at first, and that’s because he’s jealous, but he should get over it.”

The new guy’s birthday plans with his family ran late. Like, close to midnight arrival at my place late, but since it was his birthday and I was leaving on a business trip, I felt like I should still see him. Waiting for a guy to come to my place late at night for the second night in a row was too weird for me. I was feeling awkward before he even arrived. I let him in my apartment and right away I knew I wasn’t excited about seeing him. This is awful, I thought. I continued to be awkward around him, and I knew I couldn’t say anything to him on his birthday. I gave him the card I’d made him and he seemed to appreciate the effort. I hadn’t had a big enough dinner, so I wasn’t in the best mood. When I mentioned it, he kept offering to go out to get something for me, but I couldn’t let him go out in the rain on his birthday just because I hadn’t eaten enough –and after the previous night I’d just had. Why was he so nice? Was he that into me? I felt worse. Though he put no pressure on me, I still felt like I should help him have a good birthday in whatever ways I could. So, since he wasn’t going back out we ended up sleeping together…sort of…no, we did…but it was just…well, that bad. I don’t entirely blame him, clearly there was a lot on my mind keeping me out of the mood, causing me to be so cold towards him in my awkwardness of the situation I’d created…But his lack of skills played a part as well. It seemed like he just said all the wrong things at the wrong time and suddenly became an incredibly awkward person himself. We stopped what was going on and lay there in the dark. He described worst-case-scenario and asked if it was that bad. It was, but I just couldn’t say it. I played down the level of “bad.” It also couldn’t help that this performance was being held up side-by-side with last night’s, just making it seem that much worse. I felt kind of awful. Did I mention that already? And he had no idea about half of it. We went to sleep.

The next morning I had to run a few errands and pack for my business trip. We said goodbye, nothing special, and I went about my day. I had the beginning symptoms of a cold. I knew why. I also felt sad. “Sad” is such a simple word, yet it really didn’t feel any more complex than that. I had hoped when I saw him my feelings would return, but ever since I’d rekindled my crush on the foreign guy, my feelings for him had vanished. In a breakup you miss the other person. In this, I just missed what I’d felt. I thought I’d go on this business trip and see if I missed him. See if I’d want to give him another shot after the night before. When I returned I’d tell him what happened…

Honesty

Posted on July 18, 2016 by TiredOfDating

I’m always honest. I’m always so openly volunteering information about my life that it doesn’t come naturally for me to do anything else. But I wasn’t this time. While I was away on business my date from the previous week –the short one- checked in with me via text message. I hadn’t yet met Clark Kent and I’d been thinking even if this guy wasn’t “the one,” I’d at least be up for a second date with him to see how that went. I was going to text to him, “I was thinking about it and I decided we can hang out again when I get back,” but I read it to myself first and deleted it. What, was I that amazing I was going to allow him to spend more of his time with me? Well, maybe I am but I don’t have that big of an ego. So, I said, “I was thinking about it and I’d like to see you again when I get back.” He said we could arrange something then. I went about my week, Clark Kent came and went, and the short guy crossed my mind again. I was less excited now. Sure, there was no future with Clark Kent, but he was a nice height and not all that hard to get a date with. Clark Kent texted me at work today, just a “happy Monday” kind of text -even though there’s never anything happy to be about on a Monday. I was too busy to respond. A couple of hours later my short date checked in asking how my trip had been. I was too busy to respond to him either. Heading home from work I caught up on my text messages. First I replied to Clark Kent and then I went back to the short date. He asked how my trip had been. Immediately I thought, “Good, I hooked up with some guy” but that didn’t feel like the best response I could give to someone I was considering a second date with. I told him it went well. He asked if I’d seen anything interesting. “Yeah, some guy I met…The movie I saw with a guy I dated for the week…” but I didn’t say that either. I told him about the dinner my boss treated us to. He asked when I’d be free to tell him more. In person. I’d mention it in person if it came up. He’d probably dated someone else while I was away, and there was nothing wrong with what I’d done after just going on one date with him, but he probably didn’t want to hear about it. If he asks. If it comes up. If he’s prying to know more about my week. Then I’d say something. Until then, I’ll just have to learn how to be like most people and keep my other dates out of the conversations with my current dates. Oh but how uncomfortable hiding any thing at all feels…

The Waiter

Posted on June 11, 2016 by TiredOfDating

At 13 years old I swore off asking people out after trying it for the first time and getting rejected by my crush. Last night I made another attempt. I was at a restaurant with 8 others to celebrate a friend’s birthday, which was fun and all but I had my eye on the waiter/bus boy. He was sort of like a hot Harry Potter, which was just my taste if that doesn’t sound attractive to you. He poured us glasses of water and I asked if they served a drink that wasn’t on the menu. Hot Harry Potter explained that it was his first day and he’d have to get our waitress to let me know. I couldn’t believe it got better, he had a sexy accent too! The birthday girl asked where he was from and the accent was confirmed. By the time the waitress came back I’d lost interest in my beverage request. I started chugging down my water even though I wasn’t that thirsty, when I noticed a bottle of water on our table about halfway through. “Excuse me?” I asked Hot Harry Potter, “Can I please have some more ice?” He whisked away my glass. “He’s pretty hot,” the birthday girl said. “Why do you think I finished my water? I’m not thirsty,” I replied. She said, “But there’s water on the table!” and without missing a beat, I nodded, “Hence my request for more ice.” She giggled and was pretty impressed. I’d already surprised myself, honestly.

Upon his return, as he placed my glass on the table I asked him how long he’d been here and we started chatting. He was just here for the summer and a few years younger than my usual cut off for dating, but I hadn’t lost interest. I whipped out my business card from the office, jotted down my cell phone number and told him to call me if he needed a friend around here. He glanced down at it before tucking into his pocket and I asked his name. Even his name was hot. I nod, “——, nice.” He reads my name off the card and gets back to his shift. That was pretty much that, except a few times we exchanged somewhat personal smiles and giggles when he came back to ask how our table was. My group had asked for separate checks, so I also made sure to tip well on mine. “Well, you work quickly,” “That was such a power move,” “I can’t believe you just did that,” my friends were astonished after I’d handed over my card. I don’t think he’ll call (or text…or e-mail me at the office, or even show up to my office now that he knows where I work) but it was more about the thrill of doing it. I’m not even sure about what came over me to do it, but it certainly was fun, and I don’t even see myself getting let down if I don’t hear back from him. I guess I’ve come a long way since jr high school.

Catch Up

Posted on May 22, 2016 by TiredOfDating

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago, but never got around to editing it and therefore never shared it…Well, here it is, better up and unedited than never caught up at all:
“When are we meeting up?” the date I wasn’t attracted to texted me. I spent a couple of hours thinking about what to say. Usually I tell them I’m busy until they stop asking. I couldn’t just go ghost on him. It would be worse than turning him down. But does anyone really enjoy rejecting someone who didn’t really wrong them in any way? I know how shitty rejection can make me feel no matter who it comes from, but even more so when it’s someone I have any interest in. I decided the least information I gave the better. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask. We’d only met once, neither of us had vested that much time into anything, it was perfectly acceptable to turn him down, except it always ruins my day when I do it. I went with four words- “Sorry, I lost interest.” It was true. It didn’t specify that I’d lost interest in him or in seeing him or in the suggestion of hooking up with him or in dating in general. But he’d still get it. After a few hours he replied “No prob! All the best!” in two texts. And that was it. It was easier than I thought and I felt good about not continuing to lead him on or string him along. I was also happy I felt confident in my decision.

I probably felt crappy about getting a message from someone I didn’t have interest in when they had interest in me because I still haven’t heard back from my Faraway Crush. This is actually a private note I wrote the other night, but I decided to share it here because I thought maybe others could relate: “Thinking about the way I don’t talk to guys who have crushes on me, I feel it’s similar to how —– isn’t talking to me now, and I have been pretending I don’t care, but I can’t seem to stop myself from liking him and I really wish I could because I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be in my thoughts because he doesn’t think about me, but since I can’t stop myself from liking him, I still feel bad that he doesn’t think about me or like me and I miss him.”
How long is one supposed to wait before sending a follow-up “Hey, what’s up?” message after the last messages were ignored? It’s been a few months. Originally I figured he’d message me at some point. Maybe there’s still a chance he will. I don’t even care about what the reason is that he hasn’t been speaking to me, as long as I don’t know what it is. I recently tried to put myself back on his radar by “liking” some of his FaceBook posts every now and then. That failed. I think I might no longer care how it may appear if I try to start a conversation with him again, but I also don’t want to further push him away, or feel even crappier if that message goes ignored too. It’s about timing, if I message him at a good time he might respond and we can resume occasionally chatting, but if I message him at a bad time and it goes ignored, there’s no way I can casually try again in a few weeks, I’ll have blown it. I feel really silly about the whole thing. About thinking about it this much. About not dropping it by now. But no one else has piqued my interest these last few months. I’ve been trying to date around and so on, but I have yet to find a new distraction. And I can’t drop it because maybe he really is still coming to visit in September and I’d really like that. So yeah, I’m posting this. Just so you know I have a silly/pathetic/whiny/occasionally-obsessed/vulnerable side to my mind too.

This goes out to that random asshole…

Posted on May 3, 2016 by TiredOfDating

What’s worse than someone keeping a dating blog? Someone trolling a dating blog! Does it get any more pathetic than that? To be honest, I thought it would have happened years ago, but I actually just got my first ever negative comment on this blog! (I marked it as spam after quickly skimming through it because it was long -and who wastes time reading crap like that anyway?!) The only part I read was where the prick entirely misunderstood something I’d said in one post, and went on to throw insults at me over it. The best part was towards the bottom when they made some asinine list about how to be a good girlfriend. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the internet troll verbally attacking a woman on her blog has the best dating advice! –And certainly they don’t deserve this much attention over the comment, but I felt like it was a milestone I wanted to log. My blog’s been trolled by an internet jerk –It’s totally an official blog now! So thank you, internet troll, for helping make this blog legit <3
internet_troll

Still Very Single

Posted on April 14, 2016 by TiredOfDating

That’s the textmessage I sent my bestfriend with the thought of my upcoming date this weekend, and my date from last weekend. (The one I wasn’t really attracted to.) I thought about him for a moment. I didn’t want to see him again. I haven’t been in a relationship in four years. I picked up my cellphone and texted my date from a couple of weeks ago who had spent the night (not sexually.) “When are we going to hang out again?!” I asked. We chatted a bit. I opened the FaceBook conversation with my foreign crush and starred at the last three messages. The first one was from about three weeks ago. He apologized about being incognito over the last few weeks, blaming it on work keeping him busy and such. It probably wasn’t the real reason, but whatever our “relationship” was, wasn’t real either, so I really didn’t mind. At least he was apologizing and therefore still somewhat interested. The second was my response about it being cool and how I’d only been messaging him to do my best to stay in touch with someone who lived so far away. I’d been trying to ask him questions about his life to get to know him better, and because I thought he might enjoy talking about himself. The third message was a slightly drunk message from me about wanting to send him sexy pictures. I’d sent that one last week. Both of my messages were unread. I am trying to pretend I think it’s because he’s busy at work and not because he’s met someone more interesting at the moment. I’m trying to pretend the thought hasn’t crossed my mind that he can change the address the airport shuttle brings him to and that he isn’t still staying over in September.

My cellphone beeped and I grabbed it. A textmessage from my mom. I put it back down. I picked it up again and texted the date who’d slept over. I steered the conversation sexual. He was pretty reserved and not very sexual and I felt like pushing his limits, just poke him a bit. He was the one who had (not) surprised me with a low number of sexual partners in his lifetime. “When was the last time you slept with someone?” I asked. “Saturday,” He answered. “Lol easy to remember,” I answered like it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal, of course. I wasn’t expecting that, though. Who could it have been? Was it one of his friends in his recent FaceBook pictures? Did he sleep with someone he didn’t know well? Had he already started getting into something serious with someone? Was it his ex? Did I care? Why did I care? I had shown zero effort to see him over the last few weeks. He’d given off the friend vibe. I’d felt awkward about the fact that he seemed like he had this crush on me and now I felt…Could I actually be feeling jealous? What did I feel jealous about? Maybe it wasn’t a desire to be with him so much as a desire to have something (someone) of my own. I switched textmessage windows to the conversation with the guy I’d decided to meet this upcoming weekend. He’s so new to the picture I haven’t mentioned him before. He was from the dating app I’d only met one person from so far. “So what are we doing this weekend, where are we going?” I locked in a time and place for Saturday night. I switched textmessage windows back and started awkwardly flirting with him. I wasn’t intentionally flirting, but rereading the messages to myself, what else was I doing? I put my phone back down. This is me being bored and craving attention. This is me missing having a significant other. This is me being tired of dating.

Sexting In Public

Posted on April 3, 2016 by TiredOfDating

The picture messages started after the “dick pic” conversation with my coworkers a few weeks ago. I was never one of those “look how good I look” selfie-taking girls, so sending sexy pictures to someone didn’t come naturally to me. It’s been quite a thrill sending half-nude pictures to my far-away-crush, the last few weeks, though. I definitely regret the slip up at the restaurant where I flashed my best friend one of these pictures as a kind of “look at the kind of picture *I’m* capable of taking.” Only, it was at the wrong moment when the waiter standing behind me got a glimpse of it as well. But, if I’m craving attention or an ego-boost I’ll sometimes send one over to my crush because I know he’ll reply shortly after. I even got creative when I realized he liked the clothes I wear to the office and snapped a photo as I was changing out of them one night. What else do you make of having a crush on someone who lives on the other side of the planet? I’d love to drop the idea, but my brain seems to have other plans. He’s the foreign dude I met while traveling this past January and I’m running out of imaginative ways to hold his interest and stay in touch until he visits in September.

One morning I get a nearly-nude picture from him. I reply, “Wish you were here,” while I’m getting ready for work. “What would you do if I were there?” he sends back. “You,” I reply. A moment later I think about what a cop out my answer was. I write and I can do better than that, I think. I apologize and explain that I’m getting ready for work. My mornings are his nights. I send a bit more sexually explicit message as I’m walking to the train. He replies. I’ve never done that whole sexting thing, by the way. I don’t recommend it in public, although there is a bit of a thrill to it as well. So, now I’m on the train and the conversation has continued. I interrupt, “The person standing next to me can totally read this conversation.” I try to continue, but again, after one of those “And then I would…” kind of messages, I chime in, “Now, there’s a religious man sitting next to me, praying into a book. Now this just feels weird.” He laughs a little, but it’s obvious I’ve killed the mood and we decide to pick it up another time. I just can’t take that kind of thing seriously enough.

He’s less than a friend because a friend I would see once in a while. He’s more than a friend, because a friend wouldn’t get these kinds of pictures from me. He’s not just a pen pal (is it called a “text pal” these days?) because we’ve met once and will meet once more. He’s definitely not a boyfriend because he lives thousands of miles away and is certainly doing other women. I can’t possibly care about him that much as all I really know about him is based off of a one-time meeting. He’s just an impossible crush I have. I never liked being called pet-names, but with him I actually enjoy it. There are times when I’m one of those people who aren’t looking where they’re going, with their phone in their face, shooting off messages back and forth. I’ll sit with a stupid smile on my face my entire commute to work after it. But, I know it’s an unrealistic idea. I do it because I enjoy it, but like everything else, I know there will be a shitty point when it ends and one day I’m sure he’ll start seeing someone seriously no matter how much he insists it won’t happen any time soon. I guess it’s really just nice to have in the meantime when I have nothing else going on. Sometimes more time passes in-between our conversations. I don’t know the real reason for it, but I’m thankful he doesn’t mention any girls he sees to me. It keeps the fantasy alive and continues being fun for me this way. He also always apologizes about the time gap, so I know he hasn’t entirely lost interest yet. I’m still dating. I’m not waiting for his visit in September. I know it will just be a couple of days and he’ll be off again. But I’m kind of hoping I don’t wind up in a relationship before he arrives. It’s an interesting situation to be in. I’m both rooting for the prospective dates I meet to be this perfect match for me and simultaneously hoping nothing more than a couple of months at most comes of it until after he leaves.

At Least Spring Has Begun Now…

Posted on March 28, 2016 by TiredOfDating

Like clockwork every guy who’s ever had a crush on me comes out of the woodwork every winter. It’s usually around December or February when everyone’s depressed and sick of the snow. I’m usually rather lonely myself during this time, but not desperate enough to agree to a date with any of them. A parade of every guy I’ve ever turned down appears, lined-up to ask me out every year. I’m not even kidding, literally SIX contacted me out of the blue after a year+ of silence in a two-week period. I could even name each one. I was definitely surprised by one of them. He’d deleted me from FaceBook over a year ago when I declined his invitation to dinner. All of a sudden all these men are all, “let’s catch up,” “we should hang out,” and so on. Not once do they consider that they’d be a part of my life by now if I had any interest. Maybe I don’t let them down firmly enough. But maybe they should also catch on that it’s impossible “I’m busy” every single day they suggest a date. Maybe they should realize one makes time for those they want to see. One of them tricked me. He offered to help me out with something I’d posted about on FaceBook. I should’ve known. It’s never without expecting something in return when they’ve had a thing for me in the past. At first I accepted his help. “Really, for free, you’d just help me like that?” The moment I say “Sure,” the “So, how about we catch up this weekend? We could grab a drink or dinner…” happens and I freeze. I had been pretty sure he had a girlfriend, or I wouldn’t have accepted this offer. I’d have seen through it. I look up his FaceBook. I scroll down. “Relationship Status: Single” appears in my line of vision. “SHIT!” I exclaim, in the office. No one seems to notice. They must have broken up. All of a sudden I’ve gotta let him know, “I’m busy…every weekend…and every moment I’m not in my office as well.”

About The Ex…

Posted on March 27, 2016 by TiredOfDating

I did it. Lending your favorite book to someone in the middle of your breakup is never a good idea. But, I finally did it. Four years later and I ordered a new copy. I’m onto e-books now, but I still purchased the hardcover version I’d owned. It was sort of this symbolic gesture, I thought. Acknowledging and accepting that I’ll never be getting that book back from him. We haven’t been in contact for nearly four years now, and I prefer to redirect my thoughts to something else if he ever crosses them. So, I haven’t really thought about him in quite some time. Then my phone rang the other night and I didn’t pick up…

No, it wasn’t him. It was just some kind of telemarketer, so I enter the password to my voicemail to delete the message, when I suddenly lose service on the train. My voicemail box has been nearly full for about seven years now. If I don’t delete a newly saved message that comes in, I can’t receive any new messages. I didn’t know who some of my saved messages were from anymore, but I knew there were some I didn’t want to hear. They’re messages that I wish I could add to the box at the bottom of my closet that I never open, but also don’t plan on throwing away entirely. If I hang up in the middle of checking my voicemail, the message gets moved to my saved voice messages, and the only way to delete it is to listen to all the saved messages that come before it.

I take a deep breathe. The first message is from a guy named —- But I’ve dated so many men with that name, I’m not even entirely sure who it is. I figure I’ll feel nostalgic over it at a later time and save it again. Then I start to sort through the rest of the messages, deleting some, and re-saving others. Random friends I’ve missed calls from over the years chime in with 2am drunken rambles, birthday wishes, accidental “I love you, bye” messages, and then my ex’s voice comes on. Did you know there’s such a thing as instant nausea? I imagine it’s like getting punched in the stomach, though I’ve never been hit. It’s sort of like when you see the car crash and you know you’re going to see something upsetting, but you just can’t look away. So, I listened. I made observations about our relationship from his tone and what he said in each message, sort of as an outside observer now.

Then I reached the message that must have happened right after our break-up. He was explaining why he wouldn’t be able to use the internet immediately and begged me not to delete the pictures of us on FaceBook because he liked them and wanted to save them before I did. I wasn’t feeling great by the time I got up to my most recent message. I remembered why I didn’t listen to those messages, open that box in my closest containing mementos from our relationship, and had blocked him and everyone he knew on FaceBook, four years ago. But, this time, listening to his messages, I remembered the break-up more than the relationship. There was more exhaustion than love in his voice in these messages. I was feeling like we’d never been right for each other listening to his messages, yet simultaneously it felt incredibly difficult to hear his voice. In my mind I had revisited the circumstances in which we’d broken up. Who tells someone they love them for the first time while dumping them, anyway?…

July Update After Skipping June Dating

Posted on July 2, 2015 by TiredOfDating

This is basically a journal entry, but maybe you can relate to some of it…
I was recently asked if I’d been updating this blog. I explained that I’d let too many friends know about its’ existence and felt knowing certain eyes could be on it would alter or limit my writing. Maybe enough time has passed that I feel like enough people forgot about it again. That’s only half of it. I haven’t been dating either. The title of this blog really holds true. I stopped dating the last person I was seeing because I felt like seeing him once a week took too much time away from my hobbies and alone-time. Granted, I wasn’t that interested in him to begin with, but it’s nice to be content with single life. Only then, scrolling through FaceBook I start to think I’m supposed to be married or have children by now. Being single at this age starts to feel like you’re singled-out. I’m well aware that I only feel this way seeing friends’ photos and comparing myself to the way they portray their own lives on FaceBook, and that it’s causing me to think I’m “supposed” to do this or that, but regardless, that feeling comes over me every now and then. It causes me to make a lame attempt at redoing my online dating profile and skim through profiles for five minutes. That usually results in sighing, “I’m going to die alone” and closing the web browser. That has been the extent of my dating life, lately. If you’d even consider it one. I’m not even into kids. I see them on the train, pulling on their parents, screaming, bumping into me without an understanding of personal space, and I’m always convinced it’s not the life altering event I’d like to experience. So, I bounce back and forth between that reality and the fantasy world of FaceBook’s pressure and eventually find myself sitting home in my underwear on a three day weekend sipping wine by myself…and writing this.

I still read the messages that come through my dating site inbox, only I answer them out loud. “Hi, how’s your week going?” gets “Great, without you in it.” “Hey, want to grab a drink?” gets “Not with you.” “You’re really hot!” gets “You’re not.” These are all messages from men. Not a single woman ever messages me or replies to my messages. I’m starting to give up on the idea that I’ll ever be in any type of serious relationship with a woman. It’s not that it was “just some phase” like some of my friends called it. As I’ve put it, women just don’t like me, it doesn’t matter if I like them. I know that’s kind of presumptuous but I don’t know what else to make of it. At gay bars I haven’t come up with great answers to a lot of specific questions about my sexual preferences, ‘nor am I into lying. I started dating women when I realized I didn’t have to be boxed into the “straight” category if I was sexually attracted to some women, yet it seems that everyone else in the world still likes to box everyone they meet into some category. Most of them don’t take the idea of being attracted to both sexes seriously, either. And, being a virgin (with women) at this age is a huge turn off which I can’t seem to find a way around yet. It’s sort of like when you’re trying to get your first credit card and they tell you that you need to build a credit history to get one, but you need a credit card to build a credit history. Or when you try to get your first job but every job will only hire you if you’ve got experience at a previous job. But, I do have a credit card and a job now.

Dating Green Eyes –Missing Story Part 2

Posted on March 17, 2015 by TiredOfDating

Continued from previous post…
One of the biggest things hanging over the idea of starting some sort of relationship with Green Eyes was the fear that “meh” kiss from the second date, and intimate activities we’d taken part in thus far were an indicator of all future physical involvement. So, when my hook-up buddy texted me that he was free, I thought it might be a good idea to end the 6 month long break since the last time I’d seen him. I hesitated. Something about it just felt wrong, but that lead me to a) Green Eyes is dating other women, b) What if I wind up dating Green Eyes for a while, we’re never intimately compatible, and this is going to be the last time I experience anything like this for a while?, and c) Having never cheated on someone, there’s something about it feeling wrong that makes me want to. So, it was a Wednesday night when I decided to catch up with my hook-up buddy. I decided that I wouldn’t mention it to Green Eyes, but I wouldn’t lie if asked directly, and because we were certainly not in any exclusive situation, I had nothing to feel guilty about.

I made plans to see Green Eyes that weekend. That Friday, because I had plans the rest of the weekend. So, for our fourth date I caught the end of a birthday party for his roommate and then we headed off to our own low-key falafel dinner. We talked, we laughed, it was going well, and we both seemed to think it was a good idea to head back to my place, even though I had to wake up somewhat early. One thing lead to another and before it lead to another in my bed, he asked when the last time I’d been with someone else was. I froze because –really, what are the odds he’d ask that, especially that day, especially at that moment. We’d discussed it a couple of weeks ago, but he must have forgotten. This is the point in time where I feel bad about being such an honest person. I don’t know why lying is so foreign to me. I don’t know why it doesn’t come naturally for me to lie. I don’t know why it doesn’t easily occur to me that lying is an option. I don’t know why I don’t know how to dodge the truth. I could have said “I don’t know.” I could have said “Too long.” I could have said anything but what I said. There was silence after his question as my mind raced, “It’s Friday night, do not say Wednesday night. Do not tell him it was Wednesday.” Too much time was passing, and I panicked over awkward silence and blurted out “recently” in an off-hand tone. His “uhhh,” followed by a nervous laugh and “okay…” made it pretty clear I hadn’t gone with the best answer.

All seemed forgotten when we spent the entire night talking. He’d ask me questions, I’d ask him questions, it seemed never ending as the morning came. Emotionally I started to feel closer to him, but I couldn’t let go of the realization that we had no sexual chemistry. I spent the morning trying to convince myself that it could change, but the fact remained that what he preferred I did not, and what I preferred he did not. The rest of the day he texted me little anecdotes about his day, and a link to a funny website he found. But when Saturday night rolled around he was quieter. I started to think I might be sounding overeager, so I decided to play hard to get. Days passed and we didn’t speak. I realized the playing hard to get game only works if the other person doesn’t have anyone else to get…The rest of the details aren’t so important. It became clear I was no longer his favorite person he was dating. The texts faded and then stopped. I think back to the conversation about how to break it off with someone. I’d asked him why I didn’t see him last weekend, to which he replied “I was kinda busy.” And without realizing I was taking a page from his book, leaving it up to the other person to reach out again, I told him to let me know the next time he’s not kinda busy. Now he was done with me.

I lay in bed next to my hook-up buddy on my birthday because he’d offered to give without receiving, and the only thing I’d gotten from Green Eyes was a two-word textmessage muddled in-between the same message from friends, and people who’s number I didn’t even have in my phone anymore. “But he was my ‘for now’ person! I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to do it all over again and again like this. Now I have to fully explain myself to someone else and completely learn about someone else again. I’ve done it so many times, I don’t want to over and over again, building to nothing. I just started to like him!”
So, that’s why I stopped writing about Green Eyes so abruptly. There just wasn’t any story to write about anymore.

100th Post

Posted on November 16, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Welcome to my 100th post! I wanted to make my 100th post something special. I wanted to have some great and relevant post for the 100th. Maybe it would be about some date I went on that was a real turning point. Maybe it would be some really wise words I’d come up with, deeming this entire blog irrelevant. But then I remembered this is a dating blog. It should stay relevant to what dating is like. You don’t get to choose exactly when you meet the right person. Dates don’t always run smoothly. You don’t get to craft out the perfect night with someone and then partake in it just as you planned. Perfect moments aren’t the moments that you plan out. The days when you’d least expect meeting someone memorable and spur of the moment nights are the heart of dating and relationships. So, this post won’t be the greatest I’d written. It won’t be about the greatest date I’ve gone on. It won’t be anything more than the 100th post. The last post I make when this blog is no longer necessary will probably be some odd number, on some random day that would have otherwise seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. This is the post for everyone who got dumped on Valentines Day, on their anniversary, on their birthday, or another day which was “supposed” to be great. This is the post for those who found themselves alone on New Years Eve. This is the post for the perfectly planned single girls night out, with the girl that showed up with her boyfriend. This is the post for your rained-out outdoor-themed date. This is the post for all of us who are tired of dating. This is the post that gives the hope of meeting the right person on that entirely mundane day coming up on __/__/20__…

FaceBook Pressure

Posted on November 11, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I have written something similar to this in the past and touched upon the idea in other posts, but as seasonal depression is about to set in for many, I thought I’d bring it up again. If you’re single and in my age-range, in your mid-20’s/30’s, I’d like to remind you that there presently is no pressure to get married and have children. Sure, the occasional relative may make a comment, and you might have a few close friends who are at this place in their life, but it doesn’t mean you’re amongst the last to find someone. It’s nearly entirely FaceBook’s fault to blame for many of us feeling this way. We’ve so quickly accepted FaceBook as a social norm, and become so used to it in such a short period of time, we’ve forgotten what this age would have been like had we grown up without it. We wouldn’t see every update of every moment of every person we’d ever attended elementary school with. We wouldn’t know what our ex, their cousins, and the people we hung out with in high school were up to these days. Of course, you’d get an invitation to a wedding or two of those you’re close to. You’d get a few updates at your high school reunion. You’d hear a mention, in passing here and there, of who’s doing what nowadays. “Did you hear so and so got engaged last fall?” “I ran into so and so. Now they’re working over at that place.” But you wouldn’t know the moment they were engaged, the moment they broke up, the moment they found out their baby’s gender. It gives a feeling no one in our past has felt, of it all happening at once, when we aren’t a part of it and should be. It’s FaceBook that we’re instantly updating and uploading our lives to. FaceBook is instantly broadcasting us to the world and it’s FaceBook that’s instantly supplying us with every detail of everyone we’ve ever met. Some of us may keep a smaller number of friends, but for the most part you have some people added who would’ve been in your past and out of your life by now that you’re still hearing news about.

The feeling that you’re not in competition with just your closest friends (not that you should be competing/comparing yourself to your friends either) and now it’s also everyone you’ve met in your life, adds pressure to the idea that you should be at the same point in your life as “everyone” else. You feel like you need to catch up because the idea that “everyone” is getting married, engaged, or having children except you means there’s something wrong. There isn’t. Statistically, yes, in general this is the age that most people do begin these journeys, but there isn’t any reason to feel like we should all be at the same places in our lives at the same time. We’re stuck in this perception of daily updates on marriages, engagements, and pregnancies, that puts on this illusion of being part of the minority. How often do we let the break-ups we see on FaceBook linger in our minds? It’s the marriages and engagements which are always highlighted. (Unless of course it’s you’re crush who’s newly available again.)

The end all accomplishment in life is not your marriage or children. It’s living your life in the way that makes you the happiest. Though, these things can of course accompany you in that, it does not necessarily mean these are the things that you should be concerned with at this moment. I do not have children and I have never been married, so I cannot fairly tell you about the good or bad aspects of either. But I know from others, and other life experiences, there are stresses and grievances that come with these things as well. Do we not have enough stresses the way our current lives are? Why is it now that we should trade in certain stresses for new ones? We should not be in such a rush to jump on board and rather embrace that time, whenever it is right for us (possibly never, for some who choose it.) We should be busying ourselves with what we most enjoy now, and letting relationships fall into place as they may along the way. How many stand-up comedians knock marriage? We laugh, because it’s usually true. (I recommend watching “Aziz Ansari – Buried Alive” on NetFlix, if you’re into that kind of humor.) How many TV shows and movies are about meeting the person you end up with when you least expect it? It’s a relatable idea. How often do those movies end, leaving us with the impression that the two people lived happily ever after, in marriage? How unrealistic is it to believe the end of what you do with your life is marriage and/or children? Yet many of us are living each day under the impression that it is. How many times in your own life were you just in the right place at the right time for something?

Actively looking for a partner doesn’t mean you need to constantly skim your dating profile and send out messages, or frequent bars to meet someone. It’s not the kind of thing that can be forced. More times than not, it’s when we’re not looking that we meet someone. It’s when we’re going about our lives that someone new comes along and stays in our lives. You can be open to dating, while just being out in the world. We need to let go of the idea that we’re amongst the last to find one person to spend the other 50 or so years of our lives with. Many of us need to shift our focus back to ourselves rather than making a new relationship our biggest priority.

We’re seeing news about our friends, surrounding countries, local communities, and scientific breakthroughs at a rate none of us have ever been accustom to until today. And yes, for the most part these breakthroughs in technology are positive. For the most part, they do benefit us, but we need to also accept that we may not be growing as a society or species, as quickly. We need to think about things a bit more big picture, sometimes. We’re living as if our perception of the world hasn’t been altered at this rapid rate. We’re growing up either born into it (the younger generation), or switching over later in life, and maybe it’s not something all of us were prepared for. The pace of everything has shifted. We expect instant gratification from everything, and we’re becoming impatient. How many of us would use the internet on a 56K modem without something incredible in exchange? How many of us pull our food out of the microwave 15 seconds early? How many of us feel our entire day thrown off track when we miss our train, though the next one is less than 10 minutes away? We’re multitasking, overloading ourselves, and paying less attention to each detail at hand. We’re assuming this overload of thoughts/emotions is natural, when it isn’t.

I’m not saying everything we do should revert back to a slower pace, but the rate at which it’s increased, and volume of what information/every day activities have been affected by our rapid growth of technology is surely something to consider when our brains haven’t had all that much time to adapt. We just need to be aware of it. The moment you may have spent wondering if you’re going to wind up alone because of the comment your aunt made at Thanksgiving would have soon vanished, if it weren’t for FaceBook feeding you updates about everyone else’s accomplishments. They even announce every engagement and marriage on the upper right corner now, as if it wasn’t enough to see it pop up in the news feed. (I’m clicking the “X” next to one on my own at this very moment, actually.) FaceBook also created a “Life Events” timeline which one can simply list and store all of their accomplishments. We can compare ourselves up to the number of graduations, vacations, engagements, and children someone else has had to see how we stack up. Every event big, or small, is recorded and exploited. We’re constantly comparing each other to our friends and every person we’ve ever met. We want to fit in, so we’re constantly continuing this cycle, posting about ourselves, so that others will think we’re just as accomplished as they are.

Do I think FaceBook is some evil that we should stop? No. I think there is still much good it does in connecting people, as long as it’s not abused. As long as it helps you socialize with someone you’d have otherwise lost touch in, in the real world, it’s still a positive tool. I just think that we need to be conscious of it altering our perception of those around us. Most people don’t post about all of the times they were doing absolutely nothing. Most people who post constant updates spend more time on their computer or cellphone than enjoying what they’re actually posting about. For the most part, we see the best of people’s lives collaged in one place, day after day and use it as a reminder to “keep up.” We need to keep at our own paces, and be content with where and who we are. We need to remember life outside of FaceBook.

Hiatus?

Posted on September 24, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Well, I did make it further than three or four posts, but I suppose you’ve noticed the lack of recent updates by now. Without many messages in my dating site inboxes, texts in my phone, or dates to go on, I haven’t had a lot to write about! I’m not sure how long this temporary hiatus will last, (it could be over as soon as tomorrow!) but until I’ve got something interesting relating to dating going on, there’s going to be some more of this! …Unless you’ve got a topic you want to hear my opinion on? Questions? Don’t worry, I’ll try to remember a story from the past to post about sometime this week. I’m feeling pretty blah about the whole thing myself, you know.

A Few Notes

Posted on September 17, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I get the feeling I am not going to see the last girl I went out on a date with again. I don’t really have strong reasoning, but sometimes I get a certain vibe about a situation and nearly all of the time I’m right.
I made plans with the flakey girl for Thursday, again. I’m planning on showing up and getting stood up. I’m still going because she answers text messages in such a strange way, I’ve become really curious about meeting her in person.
I am declaring it much harder to get a second date with a girl than it is with a guy. In the past, nearly every first date I went on with a guy, it was almost always up to me if there would be a second date. I wasn’t that crazy about any of the girls I met recently, but I don’t think they’d have gone out with me a second time if I was!
I haven’t received any messages on dating websites in two days (a record!)
If you pay attention to someone’s internet habits (log-in time, updates, etc.) you can often infer a lot.
I’m definitely tired of dating.

TiredOfDating Blog Updates

Posted on September 11, 2013 by TiredOfDating

This post marks my 79th since I began writing in this blog about 3 months ago!
I made the purchase & as of last night I am now the owner of www.tiredofdating.net!
I’ve added a donate button to this blog in case you’re feeling generous and want to help fund it!
This blog reached over 100 followers as of last night!
This blog has reached nearly 5,000 hits!
This blog received over 200 likes on my posts!

Thank you, readers! =)

Going Forward

Posted on September 9, 2013 by TiredOfDating

We are constantly on a forward path. (Putting theories of the flow of time and quantum physics aside for a moment.) Whether you have faith in a guided/planned path or believe random coincidences are just occurring, the connections between them which lead one event to the next remain undeniable. Do you ever trace them back to each other? How did you get to this very moment, right now? How did you reach this crappy, awful point in time, this incredibly blissful place, or this nothing out of the ordinary period? One event leading to the next and to the next. One meeting of one person pushing you towards another. One idea following action after action. I like the TV show “How I Met Your Mother” for this. You may have your opinion about the characters, or individual episodes, but the underlying idea of the series holds true within everyone’s lives. The real story of how you met someone isn’t “at a party,” “at a bar,” “on a website,” or “on a vacation” –There is an entire background of events leading up to your presence at that party, bar, website, or vacation (etc.) and it probably goes back even further than you ever thought about. Do you ever trace back the large milestones in your life and connect the moments which brought you to that point? Do you ever look back at all the links in-between? You wouldn’t be wherever you are if even one thing was just slightly different in that path you took. To the failed relationships which twisted you in one direction or another. The awful dates which helped you out of a rut you’d have never dreamed was related. I could say one of my first retail jobs caused me to fall in love with someone I wouldn’t meet until 6 years later, but that’s of course only through a long list of events which lead from one to the next, to the next, and so on. It’s the little ties in-between each event that bring you to the next. This relates to things getter better when they’re bad or worse when they’re great. Things are never really bad or good –It’s your particular point of view as they happen which deems them one or another. When awful news strikes of your ex finding someone new, it’s a highpoint in their life. When you get a promotion, it’s a low point for someone else seeking the position. In the bigger picture, events happen. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to bad people. Neither are good or bad, they just are. We label them as we see fit. We label them as we see fit in our lives, in our opinions, from our perspectives, and on our planet. We never question events comparing them to the universe around us, the planets and the stars. (Putting astrology aside if that’s something you believe in.) We sulk when things don’t go well for us, we stress over difficult moments, and we rejoice when we get what we wanted. There is nothing wrong with the emotions, but with pegging them and the events as final settling points. They’re all merely passing moments leading to the next. Marriages, divorces, cities, friends, jobs, break-ups, personal accomplishments, loss, wealth, love, and so on –cannot be thought of say-all end-points.

We are all in a constant state of change. It’s a constant pull of relationships failing, jobs changing, financial situations crumbling or stabilizing, purchases, routes we take home, things we read, and people we interact with at any given moment –All which lead us up to the exact moment we’re in. If the bad days direct you towards the good days, should we still consider them bad days? We are all connected whether we’d like to think of it that way or not. Tiny connections spread out and across vast distances all working together with the slightest of impact on one another, expanding out and out at all times, bringing each other towards each other, pushing each other away, and leading ourselves this way and that. If you believe in fate/destiny then that is the end all workup we’re getting to. If you don’t, then it’s random, but still a point in time with events causing that very moment. All too often we’re focusing on the immediate. All too often we’re holding onto what was when it was amazing, and forgetting what hurt us. It’s never about the lead up. It’s never about the next big thing we can’t yet see. It’s always about what we lost now and not what it means we’re about to find. There is no complete. There is no perfect. There is no settled and done. Everything about our lives is on-going. You never finish. There is no one to race against. You can’t meet someone who has their career, husband/wife, children, car, house, and everything they worked to get, who is finished, completely stable, content, and completed their life. It doesn’t exist because there will always be a change in one of those things. There will always be something else to strive for. There will always be a next thing. The way you perceive a person, is not usually the same way that person perceives their life. There are people that are happy. There are people that don’t want a thing. There are people that are happy with what they have. But not one of them is happy because they’ve completed their life. They have accepted what is. There is always something next. There is always something else, someone else, somewhere else. While alive, there is something else. That’s what life is. It’s the events that keep on coming. The “bad,” the “good,” and everything in-between, they’re just markers, just launch points for what’s next to come. Lives are ever changing and ever connected to the events which unfold within them. Event to event to event to event to an unknown destination and it isn’t about a single one of those events or a single person in them. It’s simply the ride in-between them. We need to stop trying to complete our lives and live them instead. You can’t miss what you’ve lost because it was only an emotion-filled event to get you to the next. There are times it will lack what you want it to and times where you will have everything you want in its’ place. Neither of these periods will be permanent, but they will lead you to who/where/what is next. And half the time it will never be what you’d expect. It’s all about what’s next. It’s all about going forward towards whatever there may be.

“A lot of people seem to have some kind of internal to do list. They have this compelling need to get things done, but it’s hard. When you finish one thing, it usually means it’s time to move onto the next item on the list. The list never quite gets done. We’re forever in a state of unfinished-ness.”
“If you stand too close to a painting, all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can’t see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective.”
-Television Show: “Dead Like Me”

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
-Helen Keller

There’s Sex & There’s Sex

Posted on September 3, 2013 by TiredOfDating

One question on a dating website asks, “What’s your opinion of the phrase ‘making love’ when it refers to sex? a) It’s beautiful, b) It’s hokey and over sentimental, c) It refers to a very specific kind of sex, d) It’s no better or worse than any other.” On that topic…

Of course on some level whatever vocabulary is used, the act itself basically remains the same, however there is something different about sleeping with someone you’re in a relationship with verses with someone you’re in a “no strings attached” situation with. If you’re not in love, this act is by no means an expression of love you share. While you can “act” or play some things out when you care for someone, there is no way to on demand produce feelings for another you haven’t felt any for. When you deeply care for someone the act itself becomes something with numerous emotions attached. A certain stress of their thoughts and feelings linger above you and your own. Catching a partner’s eye or smile in the middle is an entirely different wordless-conversation than with someone you’re with purely for the action…

If it starts in a dimly lit bedroom, in silence with a lingering look, slowly leaning in for a kiss, with bodies beginning to reach closer, followed by gentle brushes of hair and soft caresses on skin, silent requests with unspoken cues, following clothing gradually vanishing, eyes meeting at moments for an intimate exchange beyond touch and spoken word, and with movements in unison, beginning with acts which only sound poetic and distant from instinctive and primal ritual, it only seems erroneous to identify this as equivalent to what you might experience in other circumstances…

The above can be enjoyable, but compared to alternative situations, cannot possibly be lumped into the same category as shuffling through a crowd, and suddenly stumbling together into a graffiti-covered bathroom, being pushed up and against a wall, and quickly moving to remove articles of each other’s clothing, with hasty requests being spat out, eyes catching just a glimpse of the each other’s bodies, while grabbing hold of hair, with hands rapidly making their way across skin, and kissing like time is about to run out…

When you’re not in bed with someone you care for more than any other friend, a different tone is set. The focus may briefly shift, but the emphasis remains in a more selfish realm. Your concern isn’t necessarily for the other person’s satisfaction, and rather it’s directed towards your own. To be fair, of course one can’t expect to coast along without any effort given. It’s definitely a mutual exchange of satisfying acts, but without true concern for the other at a deeper level, it winds up with each individual seeking their own pleasure, above the satisfaction of the other. While it isn’t a meaningless act, it’s only meaningful to each individual, rather than being an exclusively shared experience. This isn’t to say one may not also find satisfaction themselves when giving pleasure to another. With that in mind, it does of course remain a united experience. Without an emotional bond, you’re free to shift the spotlight to your own needs. In a rush of a loss of inhibition, it can be liberating to let your self-interest exceed the expectation of another. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember everything in moderation is best. You will be walking on thin ice if you become too selfish and expect something from another without any type of reciprocation for their contribution. No one should ever “use” someone else, unless both parties are equally “using” each other. (Also see my post “Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship” if you ever find yourself in this type of situation.)

(Oh how sexist.)

Opinions Of Friends

Posted on August 26, 2013 by TiredOfDating

This blog is anonymous, though a few of my friends know about it. I’ve felt comfortable and free to speak my mind for the most part here, though it’s odd I haven’t felt the same opportunities to be as open with my friends. The reaction from of my male friends to my interest in dating women has been positive for the most part. I think it’s just the popular appeal to many straight men of two women together that leaves them so accepting. My female friends haven’t had the same reaction. I get a lot of “Oh.”, “Alright then…”, or “Interesting” from them. I know that these words translate to something else and they reek of discomfort and uncertainty. I can tell my best friend wants to be happy for me with whoever I meet. I know she wants to be nice and listen to my stories. I know her word selection is her trying to the best of her ability, but it’s been extremely disappointing because I can’t help but see through it. Why does it make them feel so uncomfortable? Do they think I will suddenly be attracted to them? Do they really think that after all the years of me not feeling anything romantic towards them that will suddenly change because I realize I’m able to feel that way towards other women? Do they really think that they can’t relate to me anymore, after years of spending time together and sharing stories? Are they jealous in some twisted way? Do they see someone female as a threat to our friendship? Do they feel like they suddenly don’t know me as well as they thought they did and are questioning more about me as a person? Do they think it’s a joke and aren’t taking me seriously for it? Are they trying not to feed into it because I’ve already expressed that even I, myself, think it’s just a phase? I’ve always been pretty sure that none of my friends were homophobic, but they’re seriously causing me to question their opinions on this. I hadn’t seen it as a big deal because I’m still interested in men as well. Why does it seem to be such huge news to them? Perhaps it’s just sort of come as a surprise, so they haven’t had time to make up their opinion about it. Though, why should they have to think about it so much? I feel like I’m being treated as if I’m some sort of novelty when they share my story with friends who aren’t as close to us. I don’t mind so much if others know this about me, but if it’s being talked about just because it’s “weird” or “funny” –I’d really rather not just be the center of some gossip. I’m disappointed in my friends because I feel like if I end up in something serious with someone female, all of my friends will end up pretty distant from me.

Your Opinion Here

Posted on August 19, 2013 by TiredOfDating

A lull in my dating life is causing my posts here to lack a little of their usual luster. Good news is that one of the 25 girls I sent messages to the other night finally sent an actual reply! Fingers crossed it’s not the last I hear from her. While I await messages, meeting new people, and think of things I wish to share with you all…Take my poll! I’m also accepting suggestions on (dating-related) topics you’d be interested in hearing my opinion on. (Though, I can’t guarantee I’ll end up writing about it or answering your questions, I will do my best to keep you all in mind.)

Where Does Love Go?

Posted on August 16, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I was in a four year relationship at the end of my teens. He was many of my firsts including my first serious relationship. We shared the typical memories couples share at that age. That funny time when… That time he was so sweet when… The time that we almost… Then there was that one time… The ups, the downs. The closeness. Every new experience shared. And the drama after the break-up. And then one day I woke up and decided I was done with every one of these memories and that part of my past. I hid away every drop of it. Everything and anything that had even the slightest resemblance to him I put in a box at the bottom of my closet. I convinced myself that we had never shared these days together. I trained myself to believe that I had never met him. At first it was difficult. Of course I knew we’d met, but after some practice I’d somehow convinced my brain that it had never happened. I’d force new thoughts into my mind whenever it would stray towards him. Eventually some sort of default setting took over where my conscious mind no longer experienced thoughts about him because every incoming thought would be immediately replaced with another. I had truly conditioned myself to believe he’d never been a part of my life. Over time it became easier and more natural. I’d really wiped my mind clean of every bit, right down to nearly every digit of his phone number. Think Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I’d erased him. I couldn’t remember a single moment we’d ever spent together.

Some years later, when I was over him, all I was left with was this vague idea of once dating him with a complete blur of every detail. I opened the box. For the first time in probably about 5 years, I opened the box at the bottom of my closet with every love letter, photograph, ticket stub, shirt, charm, and trinket that related to him. Something eerie happened. I still had no recollection of any of the relationship. Here there was proof that I could hold in my hands, but it might as well have been someone else’s past. Paragraphs that he’d written, that I knew I had read each night years ago and had once felt a strong connection to each word, now held no relevance. Pictures of us at places I couldn’t remember being at. A Valentines’ Day card I just stared at, blankly. I knew I’d felt immensely strong feelings at one point which tied to all of these things. I knew I had once deeply cared about this person. I knew I had tears shed for him and I knew I hadn’t just invented the whole ordeal. Yet, I didn’t feel a single thing. I picked up his shirt and held it to my face. They say scent is a strong trigger for memory. Nothing. I looked at pictures of myself next to him, smiling, happy, I felt nothing. I read his words “You’re my first love and you always will be” scribbled across the paper and I felt nothing. All I could think about was how strange it was something that had once had such a tremendous hold over me could now not exist at all. Something that had clearly once meant the world to him, which he’d expressed through countless little notes, was nothing more than bits of ink on paper now. I sat there between crumbling dried roses, a broken drumstick, a bracelet, photo albums, CDs, greeting cards, handwritten letters, and wondered what happens to love after it’s gone. Such a powerful emotion must hold so much energy. Energy doesn’t just disappear. Where had it gone? How was it that something which was once present so vividly, with such strength, could no longer exist at all? Why was I able to acknowledge a feeling once existed so easily, yet not be able to feel it in the least. After years of work to forget every detail, for the first time I missed my memories.

A few days later, I wanted to confirm it. After years of cutting off all contact, hiding my eyes from all photographs, even preventing his name from passing through my lips and ears, I dialed his number from an old address book I’d kept. “Hi, this is um…[MY NAME CENSORED] -We dated about five years ago?”…“Of course I remember who you are!” We met for a drink. And still, nothing. I felt no difference towards him than I might’ve any other acquaintance I’d met long ago. There was no anger. No spark. I was not hurt. I did not care for him any more than any other fellow human being. We in fact hardly had anything in common at all. Except an entire four years together, that had now somehow ceased to exist, even within the past. The love that had once lived and clearly been expressed between us had vanished entirely. And I still wondered what had happened to it and where it had gone. In a silly and corny kind of way, I sometimes look at the stars and wonder if any energy related to any of the things I’d ever felt had somehow floated up, out, and away, and was now nestled some place in-between the vast emptiness, planets, and stars. Yes, maybe that’s where the love we’d created had gone. Maybe that’s where my memories were preserved. Meshed in with every other bit of energy that had ever escaped every other creature.

Guidelines Of A Strictly Sexual Relationship

Posted on August 13, 2013 by TiredOfDating

As I wrote “If you’re dating someone wrong for you but the sex is great, stop dating and keep the sex” on my post “Keep It Simple” I thought I’d make a suggested list on keeping a relationship strictly sexual. (Provided someone one day ends up in this position, with this opportunity.) The idea is to make sure neither person winds up attached or feeling as if they’re tied down, so that both can still freely seek and pursue other relationships. I changed this from “Rules” to “Guidelines” because nearly all of these “rules” can be bent or broken (at least once in a while) depending on the specific situation and those involved. Those involved should be able to find a balance between them that works.

-Wear condoms.
(Safety first: Always avoid disease and unwanted pregnancy.)
-Avoid hanging out outside of the bedroom, in the same way you’d hang out with your other friends.
(You probably get along well, but you’re going to feel like you’re dating if there are too many non-sexual meet-ups.)
-Keep it to about once a week, though random late night calls are acceptable -but can be declined.
(If you see each other too often, you risk becoming attached. Too few times and each meeting may feel somewhat awkward.)
-Don’t spend the night.
(Just avoid getting too close and excessively doing anything you’d do in a relationship with another.)
-Get dressed and say goodnight when it’s over.
(If good conversation, cuddling with someone, and kissing goodnight is going to make you fall for them, don’t do it.)
-Limit conversations in-between meeting.
(It’s nice to check-in to be friendly once in a while, but you shouldn’t be talking every day.)
-Get what you want out of it.
(Don’t let the other person be the only one getting something out of the situation.)
-Talk about it and go over the guidelines.
(Make sure you’re both on the same page about the situation and have a mutual agreement. Communication is important for all relationships –even those that are sexual.)
-If you don’t want to be single, continue to search for new potential dates.
(Make sure you stay as active in your search for a relationship as you would outside of seeing this person. Don’t become reliant on your meet-ups.)
-Don’t start a strictly sexual relationship with someone you have romantic feelings for.
(It’s not worth the stress and getting crushed later on. If you start to develop feelings for the person, it’s time to end it.)
-Make the most of it.
(It’s a temporary situation for as long as it lasts, so enjoy it for what it is and don’t let what it isn’t get you down.)

Keep It Simple

Posted on August 5, 2013 by TiredOfDating

[I actually wrote this one week ago…]
In a relationship there are things that work for some that don’t for others. I think you should never try to turn something into something it isn’t. Drop what isn’t going to work, fix what can be improved, and just do what does work. If you’re dating someone wrong for you but the sex is great, stop dating and keep the sex. If you’re having an argument with your significant other about something insignificant, compromise. Too much of the time we’re living lives in which we try to make them into something they aren’t. We focus on details that throw us off track in the bigger picture. Sometimes our emotions screw with us and toss us in undesirable directions, but for all of the times in which we have control over, we should experience things for what they are, and keep them in their simplest forms. There is no concrete set of rules in which we can all follow when it comes to dating and in our relationships. They bend and vary as much as our personalities. What works for one couple drives another apart. What makes one person smile upon reading a dating website profile, makes another roll their eyes. Each couple on each date is as unique as the individual people experiencing them. Though, there is not chaos without formal structure or rules. There are agreed upon ways which end up expressed throughout the experience of dating. The problem which I’ve been running into –as most others seem to be as well- is the problem of finding someone who’s ways you can share. To find someone who will match up with you in the ways that work for you. Too much of the time we’re mismatched with each other, yet trying to make it work, and causing the creation of this blog (along with others’ similar ones.) I recently discovered a situation that seems to work well and although it’s temporary I plan on continuing it for the time being. I’m not down about what it isn’t and won’t be, and rather enjoying what it is and that it works. And now continuing to search for someone who I click with in nearly every aspect…

Relationships On FaceBook

Posted on July 29, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Those of who are in our 20’s/30’s, are now the youngest generation to have grown up without the internet. We’ve personally experienced the rapid growth in technology all around us, and have quickly accepted the internet becoming an everyday necessity. Some of us took a little longer to jump on the social network bandwagon, and a few still protest it –But the majority of those we know seem to be active participants. Though some of us are married or uninterested in dating, many of us are going through boyfriends and girlfriends left and right. –And so we find that the social norms of dating and social networking have some uncomfortable overlaps.

This post was inspired after I recently saw the following FaceBook status update on my newsfeed:
“I’m no longer in a relationship, and I don’t feel like telling y’all this individually, so I’m telling you like this. Not because I’m lazy or anything, or because I don’t want to talk to you (well, some of you I don’t want to talk to, but that’s because I hardly know you) but just because the part of being newly broken up where you have to tell your friends is really shitty. It becomes this Groundhog Day-esque experience where you’re having the same conversation over and over and over again, and what was actually a fairly painless thing gains a certain pain based on the fact that you relive it in your mind over and over as you tell people.
All you need to know is that we broke up, nobody was ‘at fault’, it wasn’t ugly, and there was no animosity. All that happened was that two people drifted in opposite directions. Such as life. Things change and evolve. That’s the way of the world.
I genuinely wish her the best, and she wishes me the same.”
[7/31/13 Edit: One day after I posted this, the same person made another status update:
“hey remember that shit I said 48 hours ago about my relationship ending amicably and whatnot? hahahhahaha oh how young and naive i was”
Followed by commenting on their own status…
“the next time you see me sink a half a year into something, if it ain’t a screenplay, punch me in the face. i’m fucking done with this shit”
And another of their comments on the status…
“Actually, fuck this. I’m inheriting the dark mindset that caused to hurt me several times in the past 48 hours. I take back what i said. I’m not done with relationships in general, I’m just done with a relationship with her”]

Dating, relationships, and break-ups have been altered tremendously in an extremely short period of time, but for the most part we seem to be accepting it. Though, should we be? Our relationships once used to be a much more private ordeal. We’d go on some double dates with our friends, or gossip about last night to our best friend, but beyond that it was in our control to keep everything else to ourselves. That was the norm. Today it’s quite normal for a virtual version of our relationships to be broadcast to everyone we choose to keep in touch with. But is this really normal? FaceBook doesn’t allow for much wiggle-room when it comes to keeping our relationships to ourselves. Though a few settings can be altered, for the most part, the social network nearly all of us frequent, announces our every dating move -from when we begin dating, to when we end it –be that a break-up or an engagement. We’re feeling pressure to marry, seeing everyone we ever went to school with from age 4 to 24+ accept their proposals -When not all that long ago we’d only get a sampling from the friends we stayed in touch with. –But we’re also witnessing the end of every relationship of everyone we know. As we all know, from real life and sitcoms break-ups aren’t always so clean-cut. (If you used to watch Friends, I don’t need to say any more than “We were on a break!”) They can be messy and unclear. Sometimes we get back together for better, sometimes for worse, and sometimes we overreact after a bad fight. In all of our moments of emotional outbursts, we used to be able to dust them under the rug, and go about our relationship as if it never happened. –Or, if we decided to end it, there wasn’t much to consider when it came to keeping your ex in your life or not. You’d vent to your best friend, and fill in the others you spoke to while in the relationship, in time, as they passed through your life.

Today, we have all of those same questions to ponder –And another- What happens to our relationship in the virtual world? The one almost everyone you know has been monitoring some version of on their computers. The one where you’d check in on your significant other’s daily actions, check-ins, and photographs. The part of your personal page which indicates your relationship status. When do we update these events to the world? We know it looks silly when our relationship status fluctuates more than once in a week, but how long is it appropriate to keep incorrect social information up on your social media page? What if you’re not ready to talk to your friends, let alone everyone you’re in contact with about the details of your recent relationship status change? Why do we have to stress over these questions when the end of a relationship should be stressful enough? Why do we have to stress over them at the beginning? We’ve never lived in a generation more heavily labeled when it comes to dating. Some won’t even consider your relationship to officially exist until you’ve updated the virtual version.

–And then of course there’s all that goes on while you’re in the relationship. If most of the people you know in relationships share something with their significant other publicly, it’s only natural to assume it’s a common behavior when things are going well in a relationship. But, should it really have that much value? Should we expect our significant other to “like” things that we post, just because other’s significant others “like” what they post? We’ve entered an entirely new generation of dating etiquette. We’re only just now making our imprint on the blank slate handed to us –Yet we’re all so clueless, who are we to decide what our social norms are to become? I personally miss the days when your ex was out of your life unless you dialed their number and they picked up their phone. You’d have to be a pretty extreme case to show up on their doorstep, and that type of stalking wasn’t really heard of for the majority. Today we’ve made stalking a common, acceptable, and sometimes encouraged practice. Of course, only the type that occurs behind a computer, with information authorized to the public. –And we do authorize a lot of our information to the public. There was never before any craving to fight when you wanted to see what your ex had been up to or what they looked like some time later. You can even attempt to alter the impression your ex holds of yourself. “If I post pictures of myself having fun, they will assume I’ve moved on.” With all of these answers to our previous partners just a click away, are we still experiencing healthy social interactions as we were before? Where will this bring us in time?

Of course advances in technology have had quite a positive impact. They’ve helped a lot of people reconnect, strengthen some social interactions beyond what they would’ve otherwise been, and allowed others to expand their options when it comes to meeting new people. But, are we getting in over our heads? Is it too much too fast? Are we readily accepting all of these changes too quickly? We get caught up in what the majority does, we follow our peers, we try to fit in, and in keeping up are we losing something? Are our relationships more stressful now that we’re working to sustain a second virtual version along with the real one? Does it not sometimes cause us to confuse our reality with the one our friends perceive us to be in? Are we passed the point of return? How healthy are our relationships now, really, compared to the time before FaceBook? Have we not increased our rate of unnecessary jealousy? Have we not over-thought every word printed in front of us and have our emotions tossed to and fro over a single comment made by another? Are we not comparing ourselves to those around us more than ever? Are we not living through the computer generated version of our lives more than just x amount of years ago? Why have we so quickly accepted that sharing this amount of our lives with so many other people is a normal behavior? Will it change us for better…or for worse?

Should The Guy Pay On A Date?

Posted on July 20, 2013 by TiredOfDating

We’ve all heard that when heterosexual couples go out on a date, the guy should pay. Though, I’m pretty sure this began before a lot of women’s rights acts. In this day and age it’s become more of a cliché –Yet still a common practice amongst many couples. Should the rule remain in our society today? Homosexual couples don’t seem to be any more confused than heterosexuals in the dating game, but I suppose it’s a habit we’ve yet been able to break. For the longest time I’ve always said that I couldn’t care less about how much money the guy I’m dating made. It mattered much more who they were as a person, and how we felt about each other. As long as we could go out once in a while and neither of us were struggling financially in a way that effected our relationship, I always felt their income shouldn’t be of a concern to me. I always said that I didn’t care if the guy treated me to dinner or not. For the most part, I still stand by this, but I’ve noticed I might care about all of this a little more than I thought. I’ve dated the unemployed and the six-figure income guys and the happiness of our relationship or reason for it’s end never varied much. (Although, some of those relationships were when I was a lot younger and probably in part while I was still living with my parents.) But, I recently dated a guy for a few months and I knew he didn’t have an incredibly high income or much extra money floating around to play with. He paid for my dinner and drinks the first few times we went out, and then we began to split the bill. I’d been an advocate of how fair this was and thought that I had no problem with this. But, after some time, I found myself complaining that he never paid for anything for me. This wasn’t even true because he still purchased some of my drinks, or occasionally covered larger portions of the bill –But I caught myself complaining to him anyway.

So what was it? Did I feel insulted? Was it that it’s somehow ingrained into me that the social norm on a date is being taken out by the guy, who covers all the costs? Was I just feeling like being cheap? And so, should we try to completely drop this rule? Is it possible to drop? Should we replace it with a new rule? I thought I was the one who wanted to do away with the rules and games of dating. It makes sense that whoever suggests the place/activity, should cover the cost of it –But will it ever be a common norm that the girl pays for the guy? Should the norm for everything be to always be split? Should the guy pay at the beginning and then everyone for themselves? Again, why should it be the guy, then? Should we base it off of who has a higher income? Yes, many studies show that men are still paid more than women on average –But of course this isn’t the case in every situation. Should we base it off of who has less bills to pay? Should a girl take it as an insult if a guy doesn’t want to pay for her? I guess it’s the type of thing that will continue to be a judgment call and unique to each relationship. If I can state I believe one thing, know it makes sense in my head, but still be bothered by not being treated once in a while, how is anyone else supposed to know how to go about it anyway?!

I suppose I’ll continue my trend of watching the waitress place the check on the table, reaching for my wallet, asking how much I owe as the guy turns it over, hope for the “I got it” reply, ask “are you sure?”, if confirmed, thank them, and if not pay my portion, while secretly being a little bit disappointed. It’s become such a routine, I’ve sometimes found myself actually asking my date, “Did you want me to do the fake wallet-grab to be polite or should I just ask if you just going to pay for it?” I think it’s coded into my genetic make-up at this point to initially assume the odds of the guy paying for me are pretty high.

(I didn’t create this, but it was fitting for this post.)

Slow

Posted on July 19, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I guess the dating scene has been going a little slow for me, lately. The best message I’ve received on the dating websites in a while was from a guy over ten years older than the oldest I’m comfortable dating. I’m not going for it. I also got some calls from the guy who I exchanged numbers with a couple of weeks ago, before I found out how many years I had on him. I didn’t pick up because I think the idea of being able to say “it was before your time” about too many things weird’s me out –But who knows, if things continue this slowly, I just might answer his next call. I know some people say age is only a number, but you know what, some people also say some really stupid things. Well, time to start scrolling through profiles again, this Friday night in.

(I like sleep, why should I be in such a rush to find the right guy anyway? It often leads to these…)

Tired Of Men, Time To Try Women?…

Posted on July 16, 2013 by TiredOfDating

You know it’s not going too well on a dating site when you spend an hour scrolling through lesbian’s profiles, and even bookmark a few -when you’re straight, and female. You know, just to know what other options are out there. Now, I’m not one of those attention-seeking girls who sets her profile to “bi” just to pique the interest of certain guys, or who makes out with her female friends at a bar to attract men. I’m really just reaching that point where I’m so tired of dating and so tired of the guys profiles on these sites, I’ve pondered the thought, “Maybe it’s not dating I’m tired of, maybe it’s men.” Could this be the problem? There was that one time I had a crush on a girl, anyway. There was something about her firm handshake and asking if I wanted a drink, but remaining a very pretty girl that confused me. There was even a time I found myself imagining that the guy I was dating wasn’t him, and that it was rather her –during a time you probably wouldn’t be thrilled to know it was someone else your date had had on their mind. I’ve started day dreaming “if only you could just change your sexual preference back and forth just like that…” You know, just for something new. Unfortunately, there’s no switch you can just flick, and suddenly find yourself attracted to someone else. But maybe I’ve always just restricted myself to only dating men, without considering other options. I wondered if it was just the little check box at the top of the site which indicated “straight” that was the only thing standing in the way of any of these girls sending me a message and I wondered what would happen if I switched it…Probably nothing, I’d still be straight and possibly on yet another mismatched date I’d have no interest in. Though, the three prettier girls’ profiles sit in the bookmarks tab of my browser and the curiosity remains…

(Okay, so obviously this isn’t always true…But you get the joke.)

Small World

Posted on July 15, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I don’t have any new dating website messages to share with you, so I’ll tell you a couple of true short stories…

When I was a teenager MySpace was popular. I only used it to speak to people I already knew, but one day I got a message from a random guy. We had a friend or two in common, so I decided to reply. I was on a break with my then boyfriend and so we chatted every night for a few weeks. A lot of the time we’d talk about his ex. He didn’t seem to be over her. Then one day I got another message from another random guy. I was hesitant to reply, but seeing that I was already speaking to someone I didn’t really know, it couldn’t hurt to start chatting with one more. We would also chat pretty often over the next few weeks. He had an ex he wasn’t quite over as well. I’d share stories about the guy I had been with up until our break and they’d tell me about their ex. It went on for a while until one day one of the guys decided to share their ex’s MySpace page with me. I noticed her a few things on her page. It was the girl the first guy had been describing to me. Turns out they had the same ex they weren’t over, each dated her for a couple of years (not at the same time), and each had stumbled across my page, liked my picture and decided to message me out of the blue. Neither had met the other before. I couldn’t believe the coincidence and when I shared the news with them they were pretty surprised as well. A few days later we decided to hang out as a group and you know the two guys seemed to bond over sharing the ex and actually became friends. Now wasn’t that a cute little story?

Here’s another one…When I joined my first dating site in the summer of 2009, I got a message from a guy about a week later who I wasn’t particularly attracted to, but seemed pretty interesting. We started chatting and before I knew it we became internet friends. He lived a couple of hours away, so we never got around to meeting…for four years. We continued to text and call each other, and remained in touch. There were periods of time we wouldn’t speak for a couple of months and then every once in a while we’d catch each other up on everything. Earlier this year I went on a couple of dates with a guy I’d met at a party. It didn’t really work out, but we were trying to keep up a friendship, so we decided to meet for dinner one night. My schedule had been all over the place that day. I don’t usually plan so much at once, but I was set on not cancelling on anyone and meeting him. So, we met in an area I hadn’t frequented and he took me to a restaurant I’d never heard of. We were waiting to be seated when out of nowhere a guy comes up and shakes my hand. He said it was nice to meet me. I nodded and smiled, but if that wasn’t confusing enough, the next thing he said was my name. It was the guy I’d been speaking to for four years who didn’t live anywhere near there. He recognized me from my pictures and I didn’t recognize him at all –He was in fact a lot more attractive than I’d believed him to be. He so nonchalantly said hello and went back over to have dinner with his sister. I stood there for a good 10 minutes shocked and confused. From miles away, to a city he didn’t visit more than a couple of times a year, he was at a restaurant neither of us had been to before, at the same time I was there, and recognized me. If that wasn’t enough the waitress seated us at a table right next to him and his sister. Also, I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of months at this time and was actually about to text him the night before to catch up, but got tied up with something. I’d love to tell you about the romance that later ensued –but it never happened. Completely friend-zoned at this point in time, I now just have another friend -who’s no longer just some guy I talk to on the phone…But aren’t coincidences awesome?

Flirting = Cheating?

Posted on July 12, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I’ve always kind of believed that there are people who have/would/might cheat on someone and those who haven’t/wouldn’t. I’ve never cheated on someone and don’t think I could. I’ve also never been cheated on as far as I know…But I have been in relationships where there was a lot of flirtation going on behind my back. Most people tell me that flirting doesn’t count as cheating and if I was in a relationship with someone who flirted with another girl, I wouldn’t tell my friends, “He cheated on me.” Though, isn’t that kind of the meaning of the word? A dictionary would say it is to “act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage.” If one hasn’t been faithful to their agreed upon exclusive and monogamous relationship, have they not cheated? If one has been dishonest about their commitment to the other, have they not cheated? Now I don’t at all consider sleeping with another person to be equal to flirting with another, but I still have always seen flirting outside of a relationship to be a very mild form of cheating –yet still cheating. To trick one into believing they’re the only one you have eyes for and then showing interest in another simply isn’t right. If both parties have agreed to the whole thing, alright, sure why not –But if it’s being done behind one’s back, it’s simply dishonest and therefore wrong…in my opinion, anyway.

I don’t think there is such a thing as “innocent” flirting. Of course one is worse, but even if you haven’t been with someone else physically, it’s sometimes a bigger deal to have been with someone else in an emotional way. If the few giggling moments you share with someone else over a comment made is something you would hide from your partner, you have some sort of guilt about it. You’re hiding a brief moment in which you weren’t acting like they were your one and only and weren’t being faithful to them and whatever your said commitment was. If you hide something to preserve your partner’s happiness, you should instead be looking for better ways ensure and enhance their happiness.

This comes up today because of a guy who has been flirting with me –as recently as a week ago- who just changed his FaceBook relationship status to “engaged.” The first thought that ran through my head was, “I really hope this is just one of those ‘only on FaceBook, not in real life’ things.” It was followed by, not the usual –“Someone else got engaged/married/pregnant yet again, am I really that late in all of this?!” thought- But instead I suddenly felt extremely bad for a girl I’d never met before. Believe me, it’s crossed my mind to speak up and fill her in –But I have no way of contacting her, ‘nor am sure if it’s really my place to further interfere. The guy always justified that there was nothing wrong with what he said unless he acted on it. We don’t hang out (though we met a couple of times through friends, years ago) so that he’ll never be tempted. But should someone who has to avoid seeing others to avoid cheating on someone really be getting married to that person? If you really believe flirting isn’t cheating, read through some of these messages from not all that long ago with a guy who’s now engaged and tell me that if you were in his fiancés shoes, you’d still feel that way…

[He first messaged me (after we met about 10 years ago) when I wasn’t happy about my last relationship ending and I had no clue he was in one about 6 months ago…]
Not A Single Guy: if it will make you feel better i will tell you about how i think you’re very hot
Myself: really?
thats nice
thank you
youre an attractive dude
Not A Single Guy: yeah totally, you’re very attractive
why thank you
[We talk about my last relationship and the break-up…]
Not A Single Guy: i am biased on this question by the way, i think a good therapist can be very helpful
because i am in training to be a therapist right now
[We continue the conversation…]
Not A Single Guy: i wish i was finished with my training already and in [LOCATION CENSORED] so i could be your therapist
Myself: ..no that’d be no good ’cause i find you attractive that’d be weird, can’t mix profession with that kinda thing
Not A Single Guy: yeah that’s true
i find you too attractive, we might end up hoooking up
[Says the guy with the girlfriend, I’d have never guessed…]
Myself: yeah, it could be interesting/fun
but probably complicated and worse in the long run
Not A Single Guy: even right now i am looking at all these really cute fb pitctures of you
Myself: aw haha
[The conversation continues…]
Not A Single Guy: don’t tell cuz i am not single
but thinking about hooking up with you turns me on a lot
Not A Single Guy: what do you like in sex?
[If this was a conversation with someone I didn’t know, I’d have stopped replying by now…]
Myself: well if youre not single you should’nt say those things
Not A Single Guy: i just struggle sometimes i can’t help but fantasize
and you are very hot after all
i will be here fantasizing either way, it’s just a matter whether i tell you about it or not i guess
Myself: do you tell your girlfriend that though?
Not A Single Guy: not exactly
i mean she knows i look at porn and stuff and doesn’t care
Myself: well porn doesnt count
Not A Single Guy: but i am not gonna tell her that i look at picture of you in a bathing suit and get turned on
Myself: i dont know, i mean i think flirting is a form of cheating,
not as bad as others, but it still counts
[I go on explaining my opinion on this…]
Not A Single Guy: how about for you? is flirting with me fun?
Myself: well im single
Not A Single Guy: cuz it’s fun for me
so if it’s fun for you let’s keep flirting, i like it
and it’s not as bad as real cheating
and maybe it’s better for you too than going to a bar or whatever
[He says it’s “not as bad” which means he knows it’s still bad, though right?…I changed the subject after that. It stayed that way for a while, then turned into a long sexual conversation. Guess who turned it in that direction?…]

[The next day when we talk he brings up sex again. It’s now a way he tries to turn the conversation every time we talk. One day as he decides to describe what he would like to do with me I reply…]
Myself: can you send these conversations to your girlfriend? i’d feel more comfortable with you saying these things then.
Not A Single Guy: hehe ok ok
just being silly ;P
[Since when did “silly” become explicit sexual descriptions?…We go on discussing a new guy I’ve just met and if I should express my thoughts on not wanting to be in a relationship with him…]
Not A Single Guy: well i know for myself i prefer when someone says something to me rather than just disappear
Myself: youre the one that doesnt think flirting is cheating!
[The conversation continues…]
Not A Single Guy: did you tell anyone about it?
Myself: that I talked to you?
Not A Single Guy: yeah
and we flirted
[Someone feeling guilty?…I explain that hadn’t really mentioned it to anyone but planned on telling my best friend.]
Not A Single Guy: yeah? i would prefer if you didn’t.
Myself: oh, why?
Not A Single Guy: just in general i would prefer if you don’t tell people i was flirting with you
since, you know, i am seeing someone
Myself: then why do something you feel you need to hide
Not A Single Guy: i am working on it… i have been talking to my therapist about it
[We continue discussing me possibly telling my best friend about all of this…]
Not A Single Guy: you know, what if you just tell 1 person
and that person just tells one person
and then that person just tells one person…
and then everyone in [CITY CENSORED] thinks i am a jerk
[So, he knows others would see him as a jerk for this? …I continue to explain that I’m not close with any of the friends we have in common…]
Not A Single Guy: remind me not to tell you anything anymore
Myself: if its that big of a deal i could not say anything,
i just am arguing how i dont see that it is
in this situation
[I hope sharing all of this on an anonymous but public blog doesn’t count as telling anyone about it…]
Not A Single Guy: it wouldn’t feel good to me
there were other things i was thinking but i never said them to you because i figured you didn’t want me to
Myself: what do you mean
Not A Single Guy: i don’t say anymore when i am having thoughts abt you because i got the idea you don’t like it
Myself: i don’t know it just kind of makes me feel bad
Not A Single Guy: yeah it’s ok so i just keep my fantasies to myself now
anyway how’s other stuff?
[We talk some more on another topic and end the conversation…]

[Some days later we’re talking again when he tells me about the fantasies he has had about me…]
Myself: and you feel no guilt ever?
Not A Single Guy: Hmm… That’s a complicated question
But I don’t judge myself for having those fantasies
Myself: no for sharing them
with someone who’s not your girlfriend
about someone else
Not A Single Guy: Sometimes that’s what my mind wants to think about… And it feels good to think about, right?
I don’t think it’s that bad if we keep it to just talking
Myself: so it feels good and not wrong or bad?
Not A Single Guy: Yeah it feels good
Does it feel good for you?
Myself: no, it makes me feel bad for your girlfriend and it makes me feel like im doing something wrong in an uncomfortable and unappealing way. it makes me feel guilty for being one of the reasons she’s being lied to in a way. and it makes me sad because i think more guys must be like this that im going to end up dating, and because you’re probably nice and stuff to your girlfriend and she has no idea.
im surprised i feel that and you feel none of it though
it’d definitely be worse if you ever acted upon the things you think about, but that doesnt make this not bad either.
Not A Single Guy: I do feel some of that but i don’t like to share that so much
Myself: lol
well i mean thats fine, you dont need to tell me about it,
Not A Single Guy: I discuss it with my therapist
Myself: but i mean i think that you should listen to all of that stuff a little more
Not A Single Guy: Fair enough
Ok I won’t talk abt it anymore but can I just tell you one more thing
Nvm nvm
Myself: =/
Not A Single Guy: Anyway
Myself: have you cheated on her with anyone like physically?
Not A Single Guy: No
Myself: not what you consider cheating maybe, but what anyone else might?
Not A Single Guy: No
I know what cheating means
Myself: do you really? lol
Not A Single Guy: I am not laughing out loud
[Really? Because after all you said, I should be under the impression you take cheating so seriously?]
Myself: alright
Not A Single Guy: Anyway I’m sorry I shared that with you
I never had those fantasies, I just made that up, and I don’t think about anyone else besides my girl.
[Is it better to believe this is a lie or that he makes up thinking about me in conversations with me?…]
Myself: no, it’s your girlfriend i wish you’d apologize to, not me.
Not A Single Guy: I am not sorry to you, I mean I regret it
[He changed the subject to school work…]

[Days later I sent him a message…]
Myself: you’re weird.
Not A Single Guy: Why?
Myself: Because you either pretend to be sex obsessed and message people often in that way or you are and yet you have a girlfriend.
Not A Single Guy: :(
please don’t judge me
I am just doing my best. I know I am not perfect
Myself: I didn’t say you had to be perfect..I’m not either..I’m weird for other reasons..But you’re weird

[Some days later we have a conversation about a guy I’ve gone on a couple of dates with…]
Not A Single Guy: i like your profile pic by the way, it’s cute
Myself: thanks.
[It’s a picture of myself with my new kitten.]
she’s sleeping on me right now
its pretty fucking cute
Not A Single Guy: haha i meant you
the kitty is cute too tho
Myself: i know, but shes in it too and shes really cute
Not A Single Guy: true
hehe
[…And then the conversation turned sexual again.]
Myself: but still, i think you’re pretty creepy/weird and would like to hang out in person.
[Yeah, I left out the part of the conversation that explains why I want to hang out with him because I find him creepy/weird. It’s mostly a curiosity of how someone changes when you haven’t seen them in 10 years…]
Not A Single Guy: well maybe when i am down there at some ppoint
like i said, it’s not very often
plus i would be really tempted to rip your clothes off, [XXX CENSORED]
which i probably hsould not do
Myself: yeah but you said youd never cheat on your girlfriend so i believe that u wouldnt and therefore we could still hang out
[Somehow we reached a point in our conversations where I can just pretend he didn’t just say that and continue talking…]
Not A Single Guy: thats true
but part of not cheating is not putting myself in too tempting of situations
and you know that i’d be very tempted to [XXX CENSORED]
and [XXX CENSORED]
Myself: so if someone you found attractive was coming onto you, you think you’d cheat?
like if you were in that situation with no one else around or something
Not A Single Guy: no probably not but it still is better to avoid that situation if i can
Myself: okay
Not A Single Guy: like, i don’t know
if you and me were alone together
maybe you’re wearing some sexy spandex and a low cut top
i’d start staring at your [XXX CENSORED] and getting [XXX CENSORED]
then you’d come sit on my lap, lol
Myself: well i wouldnt be trying to hook up with you if we hung out. i dont do that if i know the guy is seeing someone.
[The conversation continued and ended…]

[Some days later one of those “hi, what’s up?, nothing, you?, nothing” conversations started…]
Not A Single Guy: what are you doing now?
Myself: watched a clip someone posted on fb,
gonna go to sumble upon.com
eat some cookies i baked
Not A Single Guy: hott
Myself: not really
[He turns the conversation to sexual topics again…]
Myself: i bet i could have said anything and you’d have said “hot” you just messaged me so you could try to turn the conversation to sex and see what i’d say
Not A Single Guy: well i wasn’t planning that but yeah i was thinking sexual thoughts about you already regardless of what you said
Not A Single Guy: yeah i was just thinking [XXX CENSORED]
and it reminded me of this fantasy i had about you
Myself: as you told me, you don’t actually have fantasies about me, and you always think abotu your girlfriend.
so whats going on today?
[Conversation continues and ends…]

[Then about two weeks ago we had a conversation about the last guy I’d been dating and randomly in the middle of it…]
Not A Single Guy: Can I ask you some random sex questions?
Never mind it’s not a good idea
[The conversation changed direction for some time…He asked if I wanted to try talking on a webcam and I declined…At some point in the conversation something I wore to a certain event come up, so I showed him a picture…]
Not A Single Guy: What are some of the more revealing pictures of you that have been posted on Facebook
Myself: non existent
Not A Single Guy: What abt like a low cut top?
[This last message was sent less than two weeks before FaceBook announced he got engaged. I really hope it’s one of those FaceBook-only engagements or his finance frequently reads through his messages because now I just feel bad for her.]

Note On The Conversation Posted: I think it was that we hadn’t known each other well or seen each other in years possibly that made him feel like it was okay to say the things he said. It’s like I wasn’t part of reality to him if he just kept typing away behind his computer screen -and it seemed like any other “innocent” porn he could’ve been looking at. Though, I think there should be a difference between someone you’ve hung out with and see on your FaceBook and someone you only know from pornography. I should also mention that the reason our conversations continued was because of the amount of chatting about regular topics that occurred. I left it out of this post, but I thought I’d mention that I didn’t just write him off as a creep and ignore him after that kind of talk because of the pages of conversation in which I felt like he was just like any other friend.

(Update 7/15/2013: Looks like it is indeed a real engagement & not a FaceBook joke, with a “Thank you, everyone!” to the 89 “Congratulations” comments and likes (none of which were from me.) I’m curious as to how my next conversation with this guy will go. Guess I’ll keep you posted when it happens. Oh and a fun little fact -He met the girl he’s engaged to on one of the dating websites I frequent, 2 or 3 years ago.)

(Someone else made this pretty poorly, but it was fitting for this post…)

Dating Games

Posted on July 10, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Sometimes I wonder why there are still people who “enjoy” the rules of dating. There are people who follow a strict set of rules when dating and actually expect others to obediently play this game as well. “Wait x number of days before calling after a first date”, “Kiss after x number date”, “Don’t talk about any ex’s”, “Don’t say anything too personal on a first date” –And so on and so on. Maybe this is why I keep hearing how “real” I am compared to other dates. I’m often told that it’s refreshing I’m so open. Aren’t the rest of you “real” too?! Why isn’t everyone else just being themselves? Why can’t they just go with the flow? Why do they have to follow some strict dating regiment, rather than just being the beautifully flawed human beings they are? Who are they trying to fool -A potential partner, just at first? Are their dates really hoping to see someone who will only appeal to them at the beginning? Are they getting more out of their closed-off, limited information, “perfect” first impression dates? Isn’t it all kind of a waste of time to act in any other way than what would come naturally to you in any other situation? Is a first date just some sort of formality that they don’t really count as part of getting to know each other?

Most people I know meet someone they like, develop some sort of crush on them, date them, and over time kind of settle into things and the feeling fades. I kind of work in the opposite way where I meet someone who seems like they may have potential for me to like them, I date them, and after a few months I eventually develop some sort of crush on them. This is a problem because usually at the point I start to have feelings for someone, they’ve already grown tired of me and are about to end the relationship. This requires a search for not only someone with potential for me, but also who’s patient enough to stick with me, though I can’t guarantee I’ll ever like them. They’re rare –But they do exist! From what I’ve found, they’re usually the better kind of dates too. They’re the loyal types who will believe in you.

The first three to five dates or so are always tough for me. I’m never nervous about how I come off or how the date is going when I’m on it, as I mentioned I’ve always been myself for better or for worse. A kind of “this is me, I have nothing to hide, I have flaws, but if you put up with them you’ll get to see the awesome side of me too” approach. -But there’s a constant fear of the guy making some sort of move –especially if it’s going well, as the odds of it happening are usually a little higher. A little voice saying, “please don’t try to kiss me” will be going off in my head every time they’re close to me -and I know I’m not part of the majority in this if it’s going well, but I need some extra time at this stage. I also have to hope they’re the kind of guy who’s cool with me expressing my thoughts and feelings on this. I’ve never had trouble explaining precisely how I feel, but I’ve had trouble finding guys who appreciate this. I take some extra time to grow comfortable around someone new -and I need comfort to really enjoy a date. Each date generally means some more progress should be made and you move forward. I guess you could say I like to take things slow –But so slow I like it to kind of pause around the second date for a while. I start dreading the next date knowing the guy will be expecting things to move along, and I’m hoping to kind of dock them where they are for a bit.

My preference in dating seems to be an extremely gradual build up to everything. A move too early and at it kind of puts a damper on the whole thing. It’s even more nerve racking when I have a good feeling about the guy. It could all be so easily ruined oh so soon. Of course there is a balance. If too much time goes by that awkward friend-zone line could be passed. And the hardest part is knowing most girls aren’t like me at all. Most guys know they’ve blown it if the girl expected a kiss goodnight and didn’t get it. Most guys are probably expecting me to be like most girls and figure I want to be treated in the same way. How is a guy (or a girl) to know what’s part of a game, what’s too soon, too late, or just right with each and every girl (or guy)? If only most girls and most guys would stray from these dating games we could all go into our dates totally with a clean slate. No assumptions. No expectations. Just totally clueless as we all honestly are anyway. Then maybe we would all be a lot more clear in what we wanted and avoid all of this uneasy confusion. In the meantime, before my public service announcement on dating games gets any global reach, I suppose I’ll stick to vocalizing what I want on dates -and maybe even getting myself to make a first move when I want it to be made.

Open-Minded Opinions

Posted on July 10, 2013 by TiredOfDating

This is a conversation –or rather a rant I went off on- with someone from a dating website that I had about a year ago…

Random Guy: how can you say you are looking for someone open minded and in the next sentence say they can’t have views differing from yours ?
Myself: Never did I say “I’m looking for someone who can’t have different views from mine.” I chose my words how I did and I stick by them. It’s not my fault if people would like to interpret them differently. I love when people say “you said you’re open-minded, but you said you don’t like *whatever thing*” -as if people really believe being open minded is the same thing as not having an opinion. When you’re open-minded you try things out. You try different foods. Some of them you like, some you don’t. You date different people. Some of them you like, some of them you don’t. You keep an open mind to find out what you like and not to assume you don’t like something before trying it. You don’t keep an open mind because you don’t ever want to develop an opinion or your own tastes. I have no problem with people whose views differ from mine, however through my open-minded experiences I found what works for me when it comes to being in a relationship with someone. Everyone is entitled to be attracted to or not attracted to someone else for some reason or another. If physical appearance can be one of those reasons, views can be of an equal or greater importance. That does not make someone close-minded. It’s unrelated. Someone who says they hate apples and has never tried one is close-minded. Someone who bites into an apple and says they hate apples is open-minded. Expressing their view of the hatred of apples does not make them close-minded after trying one.
Random Guy: No one said you can’t form your own opinions but saying that you are open minded (which to me would mean that you are open to other peoples opinions and try to see their points of view)and at the same time say that a very larger and varied group of people you will not want to see just because of what party they might prefer and without knowing anything else about seems a little hypocritical. What if someone agrees with you on 49% of issues but decides to vote [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] because they agree with them on slightly more issues or issues they care about more, is that really a reason not to want to associate with them ?
Myself: I’m not open minded from other people’s opinions and trying to see their point of view? How about I dated someone with completely opposite religious views of mine? And guess what I did in that relationship? I was fucking open-minded. And little by little guess what, I fell in love anyway. We did not have the same views, but because I am open-minded we made it work. For a year. And it was the best relationship I was ever in. It eventually ended because of how he felt about our differences in those beliefs. And do you know what I got out of dating people with other views than mine, guess what I learned, when it comes to certain topics/certain issues I do not have a good relationship for this or that reason when we don’t share certain views. That has nothing to do with being open-minded. I’ve dated a [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED] guy. I liked him too. There are just certain things that we clash with and I find it not possible to have the relationship I want with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, when it comes to certain things that are important to me. How is that at all not having an open mind?! Where are you coming up with 49%?! Where did I say I wouldn’t associate with someone like that?! This is a damn dating profile where you find someone you want to be in a relationship with. Just because I talk about the type of relationship I want to be in, with the type of person I’d (way down the line) like to marry, it has nothing to do with me not associating with other types of people or not being friends with them. You’re putting words in my mouth, false statements, making up %’s -And you wonder why I don’t like [POLITICAL PARTY CENSORED]?! (The last sentence was a joke.) I am open-minded and I have an opinion and I know certain aspects in people, and certain views they hold, that cause me to have a good relationship with them or an okay/bad relationship with them. And I have dated people who believe completely opposite things as me. I’m the person who bites into the apple before deciding they don’t like it. Don’t accuse me of being someone who goes around saying they don’t like apples without trying them. –And being open minded is not continuing to eat apples when you don’t like them –That’s just being stupid. I’m sorry my profile misleads you that way, but you’re reading it the way you want to, and not actually reading what it says. You’re throwing in sentences that aren’t there.

Approached By More Strangers (Part 2)

Posted on July 9, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I mentioned that yesterday I was approached by two guys while waiting for a date. Here’s the rest of the story…

After a little more waiting I noticed the first guy was still around the area. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to my date to exchange numbers with someone else, but what if this date didn’t work out? What if I didn’t see him again after that night? What if I’d like this other guy more? Okay, so he was attractive and maybe looked a little more adventurous and fun than my date seemed to be. Maybe it was the pretty blue eyes, the tattoos, and skateboard that called to the inner teen in me. And maybe I’ve been on a more adventurous and fun streak than the settle down with the right kind of guy route this last month or so. I’ve been starting to realize I’m no longer quite in the mood to find the completely “right” guy. I write here about the wrong ones and my disappointment in serious dating, but maybe I don’t exactly want something so serious anymore? I was all set to settle down when my last real relationship ended, and although that was disappointing, maybe it’s not what I want with my next relationship. The “right” guy can be fun, and a fun guy isn’t necessarily the “wrong” guy, but there’s a different tone in a relationship when you’re with someone just because it’s fun. The last guy I dated wasn’t right for me. We both knew that. But maybe I didn’t want it to end, not because I’d be single and have to search for a new date –But because it was fun? Maybe I do just want to be with someone fun right now. –So, I walked back over to the first guy…

Myself: So, who are you waiting for?
Random Guy1: No one.
Myself: Well, why don’t you give me your number in case this date doesn’t work out. It’s only a second date anyway.
Random Guy1: Sure. [PHONE NUMBER CENSORED]
Myself: [I saved the number in my phone.]
Random Guy1: I’m [FIRST NAME CENSORED]
Myself: [MY NAME CENSORED]
Random Guy1: I used to work for them! [He pointed to the brand name on my shoes.]
Myself: Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to go wait over there.
Random Guy1: Are you sure he’s coming?
Myself: Yes, I think he is.
Random Guy1: Alright, well if he doesn’t, call me.
Myself: Okay.

I went on my date with intellectual-conversation-guy and the I-want-to-date-this-guy vibe just wasn’t there. We wrapped it up early, I chipped in for dinner and headed home. I don’t have anything negative to report other than I wasn’t excited about the prospect of him in my love life. I’m also not positive, but I think the guy I’d exchanged numbers with was in the same restaurant as us, eating alone. It was a little creepy because I wasn’t sure if he’d followed me, it was a coincidence, or it wasn’t him at all. I texted the random guy from earlier after my date, anyway. Turns out I have a few more years on him than I’d assumed/hoped. I guess that’s what stirred my inner-teenage-drive? Not sure it’s a great idea to pursue a guy who may be legal, but who can’t legally buy you a drink. …Or maybe this is just where I get some early practice at being a cougar in the future? That’s the problem with looking younger than you are –Guys either assume you’re 14 and ignore you, or else 14 is actually a lot closer to their age than yours. I can’t wait until this is the good thing they’ve been telling me about once I hit 30 or 40.

Approached By More Strangers (Part 1)

Posted on July 8, 2013 by TiredOfDating

So, tonight I was waiting out in public again -this time I was a little early for a second date with intellectual-conversation-guy. I was approached by two different guys in my 10 minute wait…

Random Guy1: Are you waiting for someone?
Myself: Yeah. Aren’t most people standing around over here?
Random Guy1: [He shrugged] So is it a date, who you’re waiting for?
Myself: Yeah, a second date.
Random Guy1: Oh, so what are you guys going to do?
Myself: Dinner.
Random Guy1: I see, well have a nice night then. I hope it goes well.
Myself: Thanks.
[I guess he was hoping I was waiting around for just a friend…]

Random Guy2: High five! [He held up his hand.]
Myself: Why? [I gave him a high five.]
Random Guy2: Because they’re awesome and you look like someone who I’d really like to high five.
Myself: Alright then?
Random Guy2: Yeah!
Myself: Okay?
Random Guy2: So, are you waiting for someone you’re meeting here?
Myself: A date.
Random Guy2: Oh, so why do you look a little uneasy or sort of nervous?
Myself: Oh, well it’s a second date. I don’t really know him yet.
Random Guy2: Ohh, I see. Well, good luck with that and you should give him a high five when you see him.
Myself: Okay, thanks.
[Well, that’s one way to approach someone new…]

Who knew dating sites and bars were this unnecessary when all of this time I could just stand around a public place and wait for guys to approach me?…

(Find Part 2 Of This Story In The Next Post…)

Asked Out & Rejected By The Same Stranger

Posted on July 6, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Today I was out in public meeting up with an old friend. I pulled out my phone to locate him when a stranger, probably around my age range, and generally attractive (though, not my type) approached me…

Random Guy: “Did you know it’s illegal to text in [OUR LOCATION CENSORED]?”
Myself: “Well, I’m not texting. I’m about to call my friend because I’m meeting him here and I don’t see him.”
Random Guy: “Oh, well wait don’t call yet, I have to ask you something!”
[I call my friend and locate him about 10 seconds later. He awkwardly stands and waits while I finish the conversation with the stranger. He’s the type of friend that would be cool with this. Why the random guy didn’t feel uncomfortable by my friend’s presence is a mystery to me. He did introduce himself to my friend, at least…]
Random Guy: “If a guy came up to you and told you that he thought you were really pretty, what would you say?”
Myself: “I would say ‘thank you’ –I think that’s something most people would go with.”
Random Guy: “Yeah, that is a good answer. You know what a better answer would be? ‘Wow, that compliment meant so much to me and I found it so incredibly touching that I really owe you and I want to go out on a date with you.’”
Myself: “Do you get that answer often? Is that what girls tell you?”
Random Guy: “Well, I used to go up to them and ask if they would kiss me.”
Myself: “Yeah, most of them probably wouldn’t go for that. You’d need to find the right type who would.”
Random Guy: “A couple of them would kiss me. Most of the time it didn’t work out well. So, how about we exchange numbers?”
Myself: “But I don’t know you!”
Random Guy: “Yeah but how else will we get to know each other? We could go out and talk and get to know each other.”
Myself: “Um, well wouldn’t I just be one of like hundreds of people you’ve done this with? I’d go out with you, but you’d be going out with lots of other girls who agreed to this too?”
Random Guy: “I don’t know, but you should let me put my number in your phone.”
[Nights of loneliness ran through my mind and I had a brief moment of “aw, what the hell…”]
Myself: “Alright, what’s your number?”
Random Guy: “That’s a huge case on your phone.”
Myself: “No, it has a keyboard attached.”
Random Guy: “Oh. Okay, but you have to actually text me, though –This isn’t high school.”
Myself: “Okay, fine! I’ll text you, the random guy in my phone. -But right now I’m going to spend some time with my friend.”
Random Guy: “Nah, you know what. I can’t. I don’t date 14 year olds.”
Myself: “I’m [MY EXACT AGE CENSORED]!”
[He walked away in the middle of my revealing my age –which is in my 20’s. I shrugged it off and grabbed some dinner with my friend.]

Tonight I also met/had my first date with intellectual-conversation-guy. His profile and messages actually gave a pretty good representation of himself! If my posts here start lacking quality, you know why.
PS- It made me a little nervous to see my page views jump from 300 to over 2,500 overnight but I’m glad you’re all enjoying this and I hope to keep it up for you =)

The Dating Cycle

Posted on July 4, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Dating is exhausting. It’s an endless cycle one needs to repeat unless they’d rather remain single. Sure, I guess there are rare instances where it works out and stops –people do marry, and some don’t even get divorced…But then there’s that other chunk of us who scroll through our FaceBook newsfeeds day after day and wonder how it’s possible another person we know has gotten married, engaged, or pregnant each and every day when we haven’t even added anyone new in the longest time. Most of us witnessing this phenomenon are in our 20’s and 30’s, and have probably wondered about hitting our 40’s and see it all changing to “so and so’s relationship status has changed to divorced” day after day. Those of us dating over the last less-than-10 years are really the first to experience this social media craze in which our relationships are now broadcast more than ever. It’s a new norm we’re settling into and feeling the pressure of “keeping up” with those around us even more. Early into your 20’s is when you can still remember all too well, the general reaction being “Oh no!” over “Congratulations” upon finding out about someone’s pregnancy…But after some time it settles in that you’re an adult now. Only, sometimes dating doesn’t feel so adult. People play games, there seem to be unwritten rules to these games, and then we find many who just end up acting childish.

It’s the cycle that tires me. -The one in which you meet someone new, you think they may have some potential of being the type of person you’ll develop feelings for, and so you spend time with the person again and again. You talk and talk. You ask each other questions. You explain yourself to them, and learn about every bit of them that you can. You share and experience with them, all until you’ve developed some sort of positive connection. Money is spent. Thoughts are spent. Time is spent. You make sure you don’t check in too much, but still call just enough. Though, “just enough” is a different amount for everyone. You slowly work on getting used to someone new, feeling comfortable around them, understanding them, and hopefully they develop an understanding of you as well. You put your best impression out there while remaining yourself and the not-so-great rest of you is eventually exposed, as well as the other’s. You might even feel “love” (however you may define it) at some point beyond feeling “like.” And then when you’ve completed exhausted all of your energy doing this and feeling comfortable and accomplished in all you’ve gotten through, one of you will crush the other. One of you will end the relationship. And if the rejection, and acknowledgment of no longer being able to speak to or see someone you’ve come so accustomed to being with so often isn’t devastating enough, the fact that you will now need to repeat this entire process from the beginning with someone new will be. Even if you are one of those people that can eventually look back at something and remember the good, appreciate the experience, learn, and enjoy for the sake of experiencing, it still takes some time for that to settle in.

Now all of that is “best” case scenario, I must remind you that before you even get to “you meet someone who you think might have potential” you meet a lot of people who don’t. You weed through them on the internet, or in real life. You go to parties, to bars, to shows, to social gatherings of every type. You meet, and meet until you find someone who just “might” and even then they might not end up being a great match for you. There’s also often rejection in asking someone out, which is an even more personal type than the kind you might get on a job interview…Remind me again why those moments you shared where you were laughing and close outweigh the downsides of dating? Or is it that people get to a point where either the loneliness or in-the-moment good feeling temporarily blinds us from what dating is really like? Don’t forget the relationship quarrels as well! When my last relationship ended I found the fact that I’d have to start the cycle of dating from the beginning all over again, more upsetting than the fact that this person would no longer be a big part of my life. Maybe it’s just harder on introverts. Whether you’ve associated yourself with being an introvert, extrovert, or neither, I recommend reading “Quiet, The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking.” (I’m sure it’s on amazon.com or something.) Introverts like social interaction, but are drained by too much of it. I know that for me personally, the amount of social interaction one must go through to find a date has always been pretty draining. Enough dating can make one think, “is it really so bad to settle?” But I got a text from intellectual-conversation-guy which means a first in-person meeting is in the works…And so, I move into the next stage of the cycle…again.

Slow Motion

Posted on June 28, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Recently, I noticed this floating around the internet, “When in panic mode, your eyes take in visual info at a higher rate, which is why everything seems to be moving in slow motion.” This may or may not be an entirely scientific fact, and you’re welcome to Google your own explanations, but regardless most should be able to relate to the feeling of life in slow motion. I can think of a few moments in my life where my surroundings felt as if I could see every detail of what was immediately in front of me yet it took forever to experience -such as sitting on the back of a bucking horse for the first time, a trash can being knocked over, down a believed-to-be abandoned street, and being chased by a sketchy stranger. I’ve learned it can also be felt upon receiving unexpected and unsettling news just the same, and have experienced it throughout every break up in which I wasn’t the one doing the dumping. To continue with the theme of my blog and tagline, above: “The reasons I’m tired of dating…” I thought I’d share a piece of something I’d once written after someone had broken up with me. I’m mostly sharing this, in hopes that another person getting into a relationship understands the possibility of their impact on the other…

“-But the feeling where everything around you disappears for a moment and you’re so focused on the person in front of you and the words being said, your mind completely forgets where you are and every other thought that had been in your mind, in that moment. It’s kind of like when something scares you and for half a second you have a moment of complete fear that something is about to end your life, and time moves at a completely different pace than it was before. It’s a feeling I will always be able to pin point. I know it so well. Everything just freezes for a moment and you just want it to stop but you’re completely powerless. And you’re faced with your biggest insecurities, fears, self doubt, and weaknesses. -And how can you even protest all the ones that you know are true but never wanted to admit to another?”

Crab Guy

Posted on June 25, 2013 by TiredOfDating

I’m sorry I took a few days off from making posts here. I was busy meeting new people in real life and also having an actual intellectual conversation with someone on a dating site for a change. I’ve been pretty distracted. Hopefully this recent dating site dude will provide quite a story if we meet or I’m going to be out of material on here for a while!

I should clarify that this other guy I’m about to quote is actually pretty cool. I met him a couple of days ago in a completely random situation and if his friends ever decide to utilize my contact information I’ll be in touch with them again…

Random Guy: *holds out plastic crab figurine* “Do you want my crab?”
Myself: “I’m not sure the best pick up line you should be using on girls is asking if they want your crabs.”
Random Guy: “I know, I’m really not very good with lines. That sounded pretty bad. This one time a girl on [DATING WEBSITE CENSORED] said she needed a place to stay while her apartment was being fumigated and I said that she could stay at my place even though we hadn’t met before.”
Myself: “That’s not a line…”
Random Guy: “I know, that’s what I mean. I’m really bad with lines.”

Introductory Post & Disclaimer

Posted on June 17, 2013 by TiredOfDating

Hello Readers!

Like many people, I’m tired of dating. I’ve created this blog to vent my frustrations and share some anecdotes of my experiences in the world of dating. I hope to make light of some of the interactions I have in my dating experiences and experiments. My goal is to feel united with others involved in the same struggles as myself and perhaps offer them the same type of comfort/closure. We’ll see where it goes from there!

Let me please preface this by stating that I admit I am by far not the perfect date
and have just as many flaws as the next person. I plan on remaining anonymous
and ask that those who know who I am respect my anonymity as well. I also promise
that I will never expose anyone’s real name/username in my entries or provide
information which may lead to their exposure. Though, I do plan on making fun
of situations and conversations, let me be clear that it is not my intention to
cause any emotional stress or harm to those I write about or quote. I respect
those individuals I speak of as people, and by no means do I feel overall superior
to them. I truly wish them all the best of luck in their own dating endeavors and hope
that if any of them were to stumble across this they would not be deterred from
any future relationships. I sincerely apologize in advance for anyone who I may
upset in these entries.

Please refrain from negative comments and know that I do not regularly go trolling the internet for my amusement at the expense of others. Also, please note that I was never the first to begin any of the conversations I share from my online dating experiences. Any time in which I may come off as mean, please keep in mind that I’m a good person who’s just extremely frustrated.